Hopeless feelings

[Gnosis]

I have kept my emotions under control since last nights discovery of the A. H and OW still have no idea that I know. I’m still devastated; however I do feel a sense of calm now that I have no doubts. I felt like I was going crazy with wondering if H was having an affair or not.

MB, you are in an emotional state. You do NOTHING while you are like this. This is when mistakes happen.

After H went home he texted me “Are you home”, I didn’t reply. Then he tried to call me, again I didn’t answer. Then he called our daughter and asked where I was. Of course I told my daughter I was going to a make-up party.

Good. Don't answer or speak to him for the next 48 hours until you are cool, calm and collected again.

I’m not sure how to expose my findings with H. I will see him tonight, and have been thinking about how to bring it up.

I don't know your sitch, I saw dburt's request for assistance for you. I'm not an expert in affair busting... the one thing I do know is this:

YOU HAVE ONLY ONE CHANCE when exposing, so DO IT RIGHT.

Avoid all contact with your H for the next 48 hours. I don't care what you need to do... take the kids and get out of the house if you have to. Go to friends, family or someone. You need a plan on how to take care of this.

Another thing I can tell you is this: Your H may try to deny everything... even with all the evidence... CHEATERS LIE.

I know I can’t control the whole conversation, but I do have some ideas of what I want to say.

You're right there... so this is why you need the "time out." To gather your thoughts, get advice here and plan your entire approach.

I plan on saying something like this. “So what did you do last night?” He’ll lie of course, my response will be, “You didn’t go work-out at the recreation center”, this is where I seen them in the parking lot. Not sure what his response will be, but I plan on saying “It looked like you were getting a good work-out in your truck with her”.

Bad idea. I don't have the right words for you, but all of the above are the wrong ones.

Then sometime during this conversation I plan on telling him to tell the OW she has 48 hours to confess to her husband or I’m telling him.

DON'T DO THIS! Your goal is to BUST the affair... not give them time to prepare their "backstory" and lies. Puppy will tell you to speak to OW's H first and I agree with him. This will be a two-pronged approach. Affairs thrive in secret. When exposed they usually die. This may not happen. The betrayed H has less of a chance to turn his W around than you do. So tread carefully here.

I desperately need advice on if what I want to say is ok. Please anyone 2x4’s or anything else.

Then please take my advice and disappear from your H's presence for the next 48 hours until you calm down and are better prepared for this.

[Young at Heart]

Need advice,

I have kept my emotions under control since last nights discovery of the A. H and OW still have no idea that I know. I’m still devastated;....

....I’m not sure how to expose my findings with H. I will see him tonight, and have been thinking about how to bring it up. I know I can’t control the whole conversation, but I do have some ideas of what I want to say. I plan on saying something like this. “So what did you do last night?” He’ll lie of course, my response will be, “You didn’t go work-out at the recreation center”, this is where I seen them in the parking lot. Not sure what his response will be, but I plan on saying “It looked like you were getting a good work-out in your truck with her”. Then sometime during this conversation I plan on telling him to tell the OW she has 48 hours to confess to her husband or I’m telling him.

I desperately need advice on if what I want to say is ok. Please anyone 2x4’s or anything else.

I haven't fully read your thread of posts, but I wanted to share a few words with you based on the little that I have read.

I have no experience with a spouse and an affair, so I can't really offer any survingin an affair based advice, but my heart goes out to you. I am also a man and so my perspectives on life may be different from yours in some ways.

You are rightfully feeling betrayed and angry. However, one thing that I have learned in life is that acting while in a state of anger often brings me greater pain in the long run. That is the basis of my experience based advice to you that echo's some of the others comments.

My advice is to find a place where you can be alone, even if it is only in your car and there do some primal scream therapy. Let your anger out, scream, cry.... do whatever it takes to release some of the rightful rage you have within you. Then after you have let your emotions out, do some calming therapy and some positive self-affirmations.

If I were you, I would run out to a Barnes and Nobel bookstore and get a CD/DVD audio book on stress relief or on self-image improvement. I would particularly look for one on how to be emotionally happy. (I purchased three of them last Friday in the self-help section of the audio books area and they have brought me a greater sense of happiness and well-being.) Then I would buy the audio book(s) and get in my car and drive to a "different park" or my garage. I would turn the car off and scream my lungs out, cry and then put the CD into the car radio/CD player and repeat the affirmations and listen to the soothing words.

Exercise in the form of a long walk or a long gym workout would also be a good thing to do, today and tomorrow and the day after tomorrow, etc. Real vigorous exercise is a great way to deal with stress and you have real stress that is bottled up.

Then once you are calm I would go to meet your H. If you are not calm and feel the need to confront him tonight, I would cancel the meeting by saying that all of a sudden you don't feel well enought to meet him (which is probably true.) If you go and meet with your H and find yourself getting read to confront him, I would say I was suddenly feeling ill and needed to immediately leave before you do your confrontation. If he asks why just tell him that you are going to be sick and if you stay much longer you will embarris yourself. Again, in my 60+ years of experience (and I would bet your years of experience also) are that verbal confrontation with others while one is extremely angry often leads to words you will later regret and actions that do more harm than good.

You have more than just yourself to think about, you need to also act in a way that does not increase the harm to your son and daughter.

Good luck to you and I am sorry that you have been betrayed. The advice of others on this thread is good.

I feel from reading your lastest post that at this point you want someone to tell you what you want to hear (which is to go out an confront the SOB), as opposed to what you should do.

Again, good luck to you. Work on greaving, getting a life, and protecting you and your children.

[Gnosis]

Here is the link to all of Puppy Dogs Tails posts.

Go back about 2 pages...

[mb28]

Thank you everyone for the advice. I'm not feeling angry right now, which is weird. I think it is because deep down I knew this was happening for awhile, I just didn’t have any proof, which caused doubts. I felt like I was going crazy before last night, but after the initial shock wore off, I have a sense of calm right now. Not knowing was consuming my life, so some how now that I know, it’s released a lot of my anger and emotions.

The encounter tonight with my H is not a planned one. I have school tonight till 10:00, so he will be at my house with the kids. They will be fast asleep when I get home tonight and usually on Tuesday’s it’s a “Hi”, “Bye” conversation with my H with him leaving as soon as I get home.

I know that usually we should use the 48 hour rule, but it will be close to 35 hours from my discovery. I really do need to expose the A; however I do want to do it correctly. This is where I need everyone’s help. Should I really tell the OW’s H first? My thinking behind giving my H the warning of having OW tell her own H was to make them sweat and worry about what’s going to happen. I’m not sure if that is the right thing to do or not.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Need advice,

I have kept my emotions under control since last nights discovery of the A. H and OW still have no idea that I know. I’m still devastated; however I do feel a sense of calm now that I have no doubts. I felt like I was going crazy with wondering if H was having an affair or not.

After H went home he texted me “Are you home”, I didn’t reply. Then he tried to call me, again I didn’t answer. Then he called our daughter and asked where I was. Of course I told my daughter I was going to a make-up party.

I’m not sure how to expose my findings with H. I will see him tonight, and have been thinking about how to bring it up. I know I can’t control the whole conversation, but I do have some ideas of what I want to say. I plan on saying something like this. “So what did you do last night?” He’ll lie of course, my response will be, “You didn’t go work-out at the recreation center”, this is where I seen them in the parking lot. Not sure what his response will be, but I plan on saying “It looked like you were getting a good work-out in your truck with her”. Then sometime during this conversation I plan on telling him to tell the OW she has 48 hours to confess to her husband or I’m telling him.

I desperately need advice on if what I want to say is ok. Please anyone 2x4’s or anything else.

MB28,

I'm so sorry you had to find this out. At least you now know the truth.

I'm buried at work at the moment, but if you'll go back and read what I posted to Dane, about a month ago when he first found out, you'll find some step-by-step instructions in there as to what to do.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Here's the link:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1890841&page=5

His discovery starts about page 5 of his thread.

Hope that helps. MB, please listen carefully: unlike your DBing efforts past, and also again going forward, this moment (affair discovery, and how you react to it immediately following), YOU ONLY GET ONE CHANCE AT. Doing it correctly doesn't guarantee you'll end the affair and get your spouse back, but do it INcorrectly, and everything will be 500% more difficult going forward.

Puppy

[dburt]

STOP MB,

You asked for advice, now you do not want to follow it. We have all said, "DO NOT TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND TONIGHT" But you came back and said, no, I am going to do it, what do you all think I should say?

GET A PLAN FIRST BEFORE YOU PLAN ON SPEAKING. DOES THAT MAKE SENSE!!!!!?????!!!!!

Now, what is the plan?


Burt

[Puppy Dog Tails]

STOP MB,

You asked for advice, now you do not want to follow it. We have all said, "DO NOT TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND TONIGHT" But you came back and said, no, I am going to do it, what do you all think I should say?

And THAT (along with being very busy at work lately, plus a computer crash), is why I don't post nearly as much on here anymore. I got tired of dropping everything I was doing, skipping my lunch, even allowing people to contact me in the alt or even thru my work e-mail, and then they wouldn't follow the advice anyway.

Now, I just refer them back to Dane's sitch. Hopefully, they'll follow it.

Puppy

[Young at Heart]

.....I really do need to expose the A;

.....however I do want to do it correctly. This is where I need everyone’s help. Should I really tell the OW’s H first?

....My thinking behind giving my H the warning of having OW tell her own H was to make them sweat and worry about what’s going to happen.

.....I’m not sure if that is the right thing to do or not.

Words are important and have a lasting impact. Re-read what you have posted and think about what you are saying and what people are telling you.

....I really do need to expose the A;

Why and what will you loose if you don't expose things tonight?

....My thinking behind giving my H the warning of having OW tell her own H was to make them sweat and worry about what’s going to happen.

So in your own words you want a degree of revenge. There is an old saying and that is that "...revenge is a meal best served cold." What is getting revenge tonight going to do that will help your son or daughter have a better tomorrow? Think about that question before you have an extended discussion with her husband tonight.

Good luck.

[working at it]

PDT,

I dont want to highjack this thread but I've heard others use the term "alt" or "in the alt" and woulld like to know what that means. Is there some alternative way of posting here or directly communicating with other forum members, and if so, how to you access it?