I think our marriage is on the mend.

[june72]

I have moments of really negative chatter in my head, negative thoughts. Memories of when I considered my hubby treating me really badly. It's been less and less. I just need to look at his actions now and not live in the past.

I had thought the marriage was very, very done. I was ready to D only when I had some money and the kids were a little bit older. He knows all this. I was at first the WAW, I could see his sadness and upset over my wanting to leave, talking about separation and D, but did not care. I mean you can only call someone names and ignore their needs and be mean to them for so long. He lost weight, he could not sleep- I just did not care for some reason. My only goal was to get the hell away from him. I also had alternative thoughts of having an affair to get my needs met since I felt neglected and rejected for so long. He knows this too. Sex had been one sided and he felt there was never "time" for my needs, although I would make a huge fuss- crying, yelling, etc. Then the eventual sex ban but I always caved b/c I felt like only a mean wife would do that. He always thought I was too fat even when I was not overweight, he would get angry about it.

When I was thinking about walking- THEN, he agreed to marriage counseling. But it wasn't about improving us- it was about all that was wrong about me. What I needed to improve on. Not once did we even touch upon my wants and needs and things that had to change for me. As soon as we walked in to the MC- I could tell she seemed to side with the man. She was single, no kids, worked part time. She had not true idea of what being a wife was like. Worse, she started out insurance paperwork and never finished it for months so I could not move on to a new MC like I had wanted.

I did not play the victim I was determined to give it a go no matter what. I was starting to feel super anxious and sick b4 appointments but I kept up with it.

I am not innocent folks. I was the queen nagger, I would yell and get angry quickly. I would bring up the past. I would not see his side only my side of issues and always thought if only he would change. Not thinking that I should change too. I really, really had thoughts that maybe an affair in a few years was the way to go. So as to not hurt the kids. I mean my hubby- I was starting to think there was no hope. Since my hubby spent pretty much no quality time with me, was not meeting any of my needs and was acting like I was the ugliest person on the planet. I was the resident "dumbass, moron, loser, fat cow", etc. Oops, this about my failings not his. I really knew how to "turn a screw" to say. I could find way to say really hurtfull things or ignore all the nice deeds he had done for the day and focus in on his one failing. In short, I was turning in to my mother, lol. I was following the example I had seen growing up. If you want your hubby to do something- nag him to death. If he hurts your feelings- let him know a 100 times. I was also depressed with life's circumstances- my health issues (now past), my son's health, my older son always seemed to be sick, my lay-off, etc.)

Not appealing behavior in the slighted.

So we both had very bad areas to work on.


Anyhow, MC focused all on me and why did I blow up once a month at hubby. (Deadline time, worked from home, child always sick at that time,add my period and hurt from the months rejections from him) I would really let him know how I hated him etc. Why could I not get my younger son to bed earlier. (My huge failing in life is to get the kids to sleep- I have always sucked at it, getting better though)


He quit marraige counseling feeling that I was not changing enough, or at all for him. He was done, eight months of MC and he stated he was done. He hated me so very much. If I was in his group of friends he would avoid ever seeing me. His hatred of me was super intense and he couldn't stand me period. I did not get the "I love you but don't love you speech". I got you are the worst person on the planet speech. The only reason he was in the house is b/c he loved his children so much and would never want to leave them. So there would have to be a cop car and papers stating he has to be removed from the house.

I was hurt like hell. Tables turned, I did not want to end this. I had trouble sleeping, I was feeling very anxious and nervous. I had an epiphany though. C'est la vie. I will try to work from the marriage but if it ends it ends. I had a time line in mind. I would give it this amount of time and then file myself. I was told about a "million", ok not a million but endless times- it's done, and I hate you. Other mean things- at first they hurt me and I really started to become more immune to it.

Within a month, I saw little small signs. I didn't cling to those signs but I saw that he was totally over me. I think most people on the planet would have walked at the point I was at.