Why can't I just do it!?

[Trixi]

Thanks for asking BBJ.

There is nothing new.

Well, nothing new in regards to the situation itself. He is still not smoking, so that's good.
Right now I am on a hardcore eating protocol which means I am not serving wine with dinner,so he isn't drinking around me either. (ie, he said he is curbing the drinking and quitting smoking to get his head clear.)

New for me- I have lost a total of 29.8 pounds since Nov 3- only 45 of those days being on the very low calorie portion of the diet. I have started doing french manicures on my nails and wearing jewelry more often. (Ironic that I don't since I make jewelry. LOL) I am starting to feel much better about myself physically and when I am done, if my H is too dumb to commit, at least I am ready for the dating market. I should be done by end of Feb.

The other night I tried an experiment. I had re-read "Give him back his balls" and changed my language a bit to be more in my feelings. I tried to stay out of my head and just 'be' and really experience what I was feeling at the moment. It had been a good day, so I was pretty chipper. The wording I used would have feeling messages. "I feel _blank_. _elaborate_" I swear, this made H put his chin in his hands and just watch me, entranced. (The theory behind the book is that women have taken the lead too much in relationships and then the men start to treat us like a fellow man instead of cherish us for the wonderful woman we are.)

BUT- that really doesn't matter. And why I read a book on finding my femininity again is almost beyond me.
..
the other night we went to a movie and on the way there I mentioned my friend who is shooting herself in the foot. He asks "how so?" I say "because she really loves her x. Can't believe that she isn't dating anyone {ie, she can't move on}. Her X is making all sorts of indications that he wants to reconcile, but she is too afraid to take the chance." He looks at me and says "huh. I wonder who that sounds like?"(meaning him, of course.) Laughing, I agreed and said "she knows she loves him; she knows she wants to be with him; she needs to just take the chance before her whole life passes her by."

Watching Tough Love on Sunday, I noticed that in a VERY short amount of time, the guys and gals were talking about being together in the future. But here I am, living apart from my HUSBAND for 2.5 *years* and I don't even know if I could plan for Valentine's day. Ridiculous!

On some days, I feel good and confident and like no matter what, I will be better. On other days, I feel like cold, dark, slimy hands are reaching up from the pit of despair and taking my ankles as they try to pull me in.

I know people in my life a frustrated with me. I am frustrated with me. UGH UGH UGH