thanks, OTM...i get what you're saying. and i have said i don't want him to change but his response is that he thinks i WANT to believe that but i really don't. so frustrating when someone else tries to tell you how you feel. how would he know what i'm capable of??
anyway, i'm reading men are from mars, women are from venus right now, and i have to say, i'm really tempted to ask him to look through it. it outlines and explains SO MANY of the issues that have him feeling so defeated (like his need to pull away and my need for us to get closer), and at least for me it's made me feel like i'm not a freak for feeling so up and down since so many other women go through the same "wave" cycle. i know a book isn't going to change our marriage but if i could at least get him to see that our problems aren't beyond resolving and that so many other people experience the SAME THING we do...all i need is to crack that door open just a little bit, you know??
has anyone else been as enlightened by that book as me? of course i'm reading DR and other books (how to improve your marriage without talking about it is a great one, too)...but this one has really resonated with me.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
dear TTA, I just wanted to say I think you are incredibly strong and doing so well in this very scary situation. I am right there with you and feel your pain - we are not alone. I too may meet H later this wk or next, and dealig w the same papers issue. Just remember your worth and what he is doing right now. Sound like you have a good support system?
I read Mars and Venus starting over on the plane home to CA last month right after I got papers from H. It mad me cry at first but then later stronger...there is a lot of truth to this and lessons sometimes we learn too late, I feel.
I've given my H several books and he hasnt bothered to read one. What kind of man is it that bolts when the going gets rough? One person posted above that yes, he/they are taking the easy way out...you and I both deserve men that are willing to work through the tough stuff to make your M stronger.
I will say a special prayer for you tonite. When/if you do see H tomorrow, just know that all of us DB's are right there with you...just envision us on your shoulder!
reading your post gave me the biggest smile of my day! i do know that i deserve someone who will really weather the storms with me - hell, everyone deserves that! - and it really does make you question the person you married when they say that they aren't even willing to open a book. he's the one who wants to call it quits, and I'M the one reading the books, talking to a coach, and doing what i can to make this work. what kind of sense does that make? i hope the lessons i gleaned from mars and venus aren't too late for me, but at the very least i know i'll at least have that knowledge with me in the future and sadly...he'll end up making the same mistakes.
i have a wonderful support system of friends, family, complete strangers on the internet, and my (our) dog...it does make all the difference in the world.
thanks for the prayers and well wishes. i'll take all of those i can get. i have a friend in malaysia praying for me!
hugs back to you!
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
having lunch with my H today. feeling nervous, anxious to see him, hopeful, hopeless and optimistic. in other words, i have a serious case of butterflies.
read more of mars & venus last night...it's odd, i honestly feel like had i read this book 6 months ago, i wouldn't be in the situation that i'm in now. i know he loves me very much and i love him...but he feels worn down and tired of trying to make me happy. i totally get that after reading mars & venus (and completing the "worst things a woman can do to a man" checklist in the book how to improve your marriage without talking about it!) and for once i understand how i have, over the last 5 years, made him feel like i do not accept him for who he is. now that i have this tool and this understanding of male/female relationships, i just need the change to implement it in our M.
that's the only reason my H wants to separate...because he's tired of having the same conversation and having to reassure me of his love and me crowding him all the time. which this book has assured me is a totally normal human cycle of emotions and can be dealt with - and HAS to be dealt with - in order to have a healthy and happy realtionship with your S. i can't say we've been resentful and angry at each other for years. i can't say we yell and throw things and say angry, hateful words. usually when we argue, we sit down and calmly discuss what's on our minds. i can't say he had an A or i had an A and that we just can't move past it. in my eyes, we have a very normal, human relationship, outside of the fact that 90% of the time we are speaking different love languages. that seems like a terrible reason to end a marriage, especially now that i can clearly see the problem and have the proper tools and the desire to work to fix them!
granted, it's not all on my end. he needs to own up to some things that have gotten us here, too. but it's never been fair of me to expect HIM to change without making any changes MYSELF.
i am praying hard today and hanging on to hope. i DID wear that dress i know he loves on me, but since i've been such an emotional wreck the last few weeks, it doesn't quite hug my curves the way it used to.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
why i even call my mother is beyond me. i know she is just looking out for me and doesn't want to see me hurting, but the things she says to me...she mailed my H a letter that he had written to her when we reconciled back in 2008 after almost splitting with a note attached saying "i guess you didn't mean any of this." i think i will be intercepting that one in the mail.
i'm not a parent so i don't know what it's like to watch your children suffer a broken heart, but i can imagine it's not easy. but it makes it so much harder for me when every time i talk to her, it's he needs to do this, he needs to do that, don't give your ring back, make him help you pay for the debts he's put on ya'lls credit card. maybe i should make HER read DB.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
my mother got be so upset i forgot i wanted to post a teeny tiny baby step.
yesterday my H's email began with my full name (which he's never really called me by, since usually it's just babe). today's email began with my nickname.
he emailed yesterday with a long explanation about how he felt and why he was taking the actions he was taking. i waited about 5 hours to reply and kept it short. he responded about 5 minutes after i hit send.
positive thoughts, positive thoughts.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
