Thanks Lotus. I firmly believe this is currently about our individual issues more than our relationship. It is scary but worth the risk for us to focus on ourselves rather than diverting to our relationship, DYKWIM? If/When we are two relatively whole sound minded people, I will look into Retrovaille for sure.
Coach, I think I knew when I went to see him with the kids that that would be our last bout of family life together. It was wonderful. But, it was blatantly confusing to my kids and for us...sometimes the limbo implodes itself. I think coming up to the anniversary of our separation and recognizing how little had changed/been dealt with really hit me. And, I also really faced the truth for me which is that I will not be married to a man who has a girlfriend. I cannot date while married. I do not want to share my life with a quarter of a person. It became clear that he was willing to go on like this indefinitely. He told me outright that would be his ideal...and, once it was spoken that he was in love with her, something snapped. And it is not that I believe it, it is just that if he is there emotionally then he needs to go physically. I realize though, that my setting a boundary forced him to make a choice but he hasn't changed. He has no clue what is reasonable to share and expose me to. He is still very much about him in a way that I think is pathological. He is doing and saying a lot of the right things and is going to start therapy. I hope it works. I hope he grows up and finds some self-control and some stability in his life. Ideally it will be together but it is not something I hold tightly to.
Also, it looks like he's hit a bottom and breaking up with his girlfriend and having to make a decision has plunged him into depression and anxiety...I know that on the other side of that can be progress because I've lived it, I hope that works out for him.
I suppose the main factor in my evolution has been committing to a creative outlet for myself. I am inspired. This has really altered my energy and the whole situation. So, I think turning on your own life is the best thing one can do.
If divorce is the path we go down, it will suck. I know that, but now that I've already been dead...I KNOW I'll get through it.
