H is apartment hunting today

[trytryagain]

having lunch with my H today. feeling nervous, anxious to see him, hopeful, hopeless and optimistic. in other words, i have a serious case of butterflies.

read more of mars & venus last night...it's odd, i honestly feel like had i read this book 6 months ago, i wouldn't be in the situation that i'm in now. i know he loves me very much and i love him...but he feels worn down and tired of trying to make me happy. i totally get that after reading mars & venus (and completing the "worst things a woman can do to a man" checklist in the book how to improve your marriage without talking about it!) and for once i understand how i have, over the last 5 years, made him feel like i do not accept him for who he is. now that i have this tool and this understanding of male/female relationships, i just need the change to implement it in our M.

that's the only reason my H wants to separate...because he's tired of having the same conversation and having to reassure me of his love and me crowding him all the time. which this book has assured me is a totally normal human cycle of emotions and can be dealt with - and HAS to be dealt with - in order to have a healthy and happy realtionship with your S. i can't say we've been resentful and angry at each other for years. i can't say we yell and throw things and say angry, hateful words. usually when we argue, we sit down and calmly discuss what's on our minds. i can't say he had an A or i had an A and that we just can't move past it. in my eyes, we have a very normal, human relationship, outside of the fact that 90% of the time we are speaking different love languages. that seems like a terrible reason to end a marriage, especially now that i can clearly see the problem and have the proper tools and the desire to work to fix them!

granted, it's not all on my end. he needs to own up to some things that have gotten us here, too. but it's never been fair of me to expect HIM to change without making any changes MYSELF.

i am praying hard today and hanging on to hope. i DID wear that dress i know he loves on me, but since i've been such an emotional wreck the last few weeks, it doesn't quite hug my curves the way it used to.