Sydney, I'm new to this board and this is my first time posting. I just wanted to let you know that this is where detaching comes in. Your H is a different person than he was. You can go dark and detach from this person. Anything he says or does, do not take it personally. For your own sanity do not try to defend yourself or talk "sense" into him, it won't work. GAL and working on yourself prepares you for two eventualities. Either it paves the way for your H's return or you will be able to go on and be happy in the life that you choose.
I understand the intense pain and anger that you feel. By doing the above it gets better. I know there is so much you want to vent to him and get off your chest. Save your breath and vent somewhere other than to him. It just makes him more confused and angry and you even more resentful of his treatment of you.
At some time, probably quite a while from now your H will get through his tunnel and the fog will clear. Knowledge is power and the more you research MLC the better understanding you will have of what your H is going through. I've gotten to the point where I feel sorry for what my H is going through and he's living with the OW. I can't imagine the firestorm in his head. The depression and guilt is taking a toll on his health. Watching this is heartbreaking, but I know that there isn't anything I can do about it, but accept it.
From what I understand MLC is a journey that must go on to completion. To try and stop it or reason with a MLCer just prolongs the process and drags it out. Detach, let go, and let it play out. Take your own journey in the meantime and find out what YOU want. I know that you think that your H has all the power in this because he has called the shots to this point. Take your power back. I have found out that the things that my H said to me that I had the strongest reaction to are the things that I felt guilty about. Those are the things that I have worked on in myself, but the one thing you have to understand in all of this is that IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT he is going through this.
Seeking answers gave you good advice for someone brand new to this board. Listen to her. Your main rule right now should be shut your mouth open your ears and eyes. If you need to scream,vent or text come here and do it here first. Ask us what we think. Wait for 24-48 hours before responding. That will give you time to compose yourself and have the right answer.
I do not think you should tell your H that you want him to go to an attorney unless you want to proceed with the D then by all means tell him. Do not tell him anything.
I have to go to work now I will check back in later.
Sydney, I'm new to this board and this is my first time posting. I just wanted to let you know that this is where detaching comes in. Your H is a different person than he was. You can go dark and detach from this person. Anything he says or does, do not take it personally. For your own sanity do not try to defend yourself or talk "sense" into him, it won't work. GAL and working on yourself prepares you for two eventualities. Either it paves the way for your H's return or you will be able to go on and be happy in the life that you choose.
I understand the intense pain and anger that you feel. By doing the above it gets better. I know there is so much you want to vent to him and get off your chest. Save your breath and vent somewhere other than to him. It just makes him more confused and angry and you even more resentful of his treatment of you.
At some time, probably quite a while from now your H will get through his tunnel and the fog will clear. Knowledge is power and the more you research MLC the better understanding you will have of what your H is going through. I've gotten to the point where I feel sorry for what my H is going through and he's living with the OW. I can't imagine the firestorm in his head. The depression and guilt is taking a toll on his health. Watching this is heartbreaking, but I know that there isn't anything I can do about it, but accept it.
From what I understand MLC is a journey that must go on to completion. To try and stop it or reason with a MLCer just prolongs the process and drags it out. Detach, let go, and let it play out. Take your own journey in the meantime and find out what YOU want. I know that you think that your H has all the power in this because he has called the shots to this point. Take your power back. I have found out that the things that my H said to me that I had the strongest reaction to are the things that I felt guilty about. Those are the things that I have worked on in myself, but the one thing you have to understand in all of this is that IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT he is going through this.
Why are you still talking to him? Do you expect something different to come out of his mouth? Detach, go dark, whatever it is called- You come here and say "he is mean to me!" but then run right back in for another dose. I don't get it.
It is good that you come here to vent. There is great advice coming from the people here. I am not saying that you should stop contacting this forum. But do yourself a favor and get a plan.
Once again I could use some input! Friday night my H came to get my daughter. He was in a foul mood and would hardly talk. He just kept mumbling that he is in a bad place and then said he was depressed but didn't want to talk about it. I told him that no matter what happened to us that I loved him and I was worried about him.
Sunday he called to talk to me which he never does. I answered the phone and he was crying. He just kept saying he was miserable and nothing is making him happy. "REALLLLYYY I hadn't noticed" is what I wanted to say with sarcasim oozing from each letter but instead I told him that I knew he was depressed and that even our D had been commenting on how unhappy Daddy is. I told him that actually all of his friends knew he was in a bad place and were worried.
He then goes on about how he doesn't do anything anymore and he is sick of trying to do anything. He said he has never been able to please anyone and no one has ever loved him unconditionally (actually he did say he realized the only people that had unconditionally loved him were MY parents which is true). He started going into me and all that I had done wrong in our marriage. At first I started defending myself but then tried to remember what I had learned and backed off. I told him I had made mistakes and I didn't know if we could ever make it but that right now that wasn't important because I was worried about him.
He did say that me backing away from him was the best thing I could have ever done. He was blaming me for all his unhappiness but he is realizing that he is in a bad place and it wasn't me causing all of his pain. He said everything he is doing to make himself happy is not working!
Okay, sounds like textbook MLC. Luckily because of all I have read on these forums I knew that when he came to get my D that same day (yesterday) he was probably going to be upset with himself for ever calling me. Well sure enough he picked her up and wouldn't hardly talk to me or look at me. Same thing when he brought her home.
This is so frustrating. So if I understand what I have learned I should still stay friendly but aloof. I have a feeling he is going to try to push my buttons again and I have to act like I don't care?! Is that right? You guys have been right so far so please help me out. I know each MLC can be different but it does seem like certain things are universal with them! I did feel like at one point when we passed each other he wanted me to hug him but I just kept walking?! Not sure if that was the right thing to do or not!
His phone call was pathetic and my heart was breaking for him. I know so much and it is sad to see him floundering yet he has to be the one to want to get help! But I must admit I was extremely frustrated when he acted mad at me when he saw me and for saying I was the cause of every problem in our marriage with him taking no fault!!! They are truly a mess!!!!
Sorry I didn't reply to your post sooner! As I mentioned in an earlier post I had to have a medical procedure and I have been out of it for a week now!
Your comments were a great reminder of what I need to do. As much as I know I need to detach it has been a hard process for me. One minute he was okay and literally it feels like over night he became a different person. I have felt confused, angry, rejected and isolated because no one seems to understand.
I am now working with a counselor who is teaching me how to detach. It is a painful process but something I know I need to do.
Thanks again for sharing with me with such kindness and understanding!
No sooner had I wrote that last post when I received an email from my H. He has been telling me he was going to write me a letter since the day he left. Well he finally wrote it and sent it to me today. Oh my word I am so hurt. He spewed out every little thing he felt I had done wrong without any regard to his part. But that was not what hurt the most. I expected that. He put in there things that were intimate pains I had in my life and turned it into something to use against me. How could he!!!!!!
I so badly want to respond with something as hurtful as i can. I won't but only because you guys are saying not to. As far as I am concerned this was premeditated hate! It is one thing to write something in the moment when you are hurt but this was well thought out! What in the world would ever make him think I deserved his harsh words. I would love to tell him off'
God help us all that have to deal with these people! Just when I think he can't do anything else to cause me pain he finds something new to do!
