It's the end of the world as we know it, & I feel-

[sandycay]

2X4

Maybe because "she" was not available?

[mishka422]

OMG BBJ - I swear that Dan and Gabe are one and the same man!!!! Gabe pulls the same crap on me about once every 3 months now. Waaaa Waaaaa Waaaaa, my life sucks, everything sucks, I'd rather die....blah blah blah.....Horsesh!t!!!

Have a great counseling session. I'm looking forward to hear what she has to say and what further guidance she gives you.

[BobbiJo]

This is one of THE most moving scenes I have EVER seen dealing with infidelity...I identify so much with Lucky, the male lead, who found out his ex-wife/now fiancee has been cheating on him.

It starts at 4:25 and lasts about 3 1/2 minutes. It brings me to tears every time I watch it (saw the entire episode tonight, I record this show daily). The most amazing part for me is starting around 6 minutes till the end.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZGPfB0h1sOY

This man is so angry with her...obv hurt but so angry...

Once in awhile I realize how angry I am. I don't put it out there though. For some stupid reason I allow myself to feel sadness, depression, grief, anxiety, every other freaking emotion.

But once I start to feel anger, I shut it down? Wtf...I almost wonder if I truly let myself get as angry at Dan as I am inside, I don't know how I would stop myself once I got started.Maybe that is what I am afraid of?

I have been 'nice' for so long, but these emotions are right there under the surface. Which is probably why I spend hours of my day at work getting nothing done. I do work out and that helps blow off some pent up energy. But still I wind up back at square one...

OK truth be told I am light years from where I was two years ago when I first joined here. I have grown in a lot of ways, and I am proud of those changes. But still something has kept me from being able to let it go and move on. I am starting to think it is the fact that I have never really let that anger come out to play...

There is a scene today where Elizabeth (female lead) begs him not to tell everyone, "for the sake of the kids". He tells her to never ever try and use those kids against him again. That she really just wants to protect herself, but a consequence of her own actions is that she may have to look at her children now and know they cannot stand the sight of her...

I could go on and on, but obv this touched a nerve in me.Thanks for listening...

[BobbiJo]

OK now I have wound myself up...

Some excerpts from last nights' textathon:

Re. not wanting to trust anyone or be in a relationship ever again:

I'm reluctant to allow anything I do to be affected by someone that is close to me. I can't handle being hurt again or wasting time any more than you can.

Re. the fact that he only works the sh!tty job to have money for cows, and now that we are getting a D he won't be able to afford cows but WILL have to keep doing the job he hates...


Hell now I go to work stare at my computer and try to figure out how to get thru the day without going nuts. The whole purpose for the high pressure job has gotten screwed up.

I don't think you (me) ever really understood that and I guess I am so mad over that still that I can't get past it.

I'm just really screwed up and majorly depressed and I hate every day to the extent that I can't sometimes find the will and energy to get out of bed.

It sucks I have never been here before and don't know how to leave just caught in a trap and can't get out.

It's a hell of a place to be I wouldn't wish on my biggest enemy. It is making me way old way fast.

I don't think you understand and I didn't either just how much I resented you and hated your lack of support.

There was much much more but that is the highlights.

You know what? Rereading that today I realized, I don't think he has really ever owned what he has done to ME. It has all been his reaction to the hurt he says he has felt about me not supporting him??? No apologies for the utter hell he put me through, for me driving through Wichita with a 7 week old baby in the backseat at midnight chasing him in a car with his mistress. (Why did I bother??)

For pleading with me to trust him again and give him another chance, only to betray me again 5 years later? He will never ever know the pain of pacing in that St. Louis hotel from midnight till seven a.m. getting the courage to knock on his door and see him with his girlfriend. Too see the toys they brought with them sitting in the corner...

OK I don't know where I am going with this I know none of you want to hear it!!

I just don't know why I am always trying to figure out how to help him feel better when he has done NOTHING to make amends for the hurt and pain he has caused me.

WOW, my counselor is going to need way more than an hour to help me!

[Trixi]

(((((BBJ)))))
Bobbi- I watch your story unfold almost religiously. I think it's because you so honestly say things that I feel; thoughts that I think; and because, I too, can't seem to let go of my H.

As soon as he said he wasn't sure he wanted a D, I was right back in limbo.

I LOVED what your counselor told you last week. I think she will help you access that anger. (I wish I could find a good one where I live.)

You're not alone.

[BobbiJo]

Thank you, so much. I don't wish these feelings on anybody, but at the same time it is comforting to know I am understood. Nobody in my 'real life' has experienced what I have, or if they have, they sure haven't told me about it!

[smith18]

Yep, you are wound up. And it is because of King Pity Party.

Maybe you should discuss some ideas with the counselor on how to get him to stop laying his misery on you. I know that when my W tried the "pity me" stuff that I immediately called her on it and layed it out very clear that she, and she alone, was responsible for her misery and path she chose to take.

Do his mentors/friends Nathan (and Tom?) know you guys are getting divorced? It may be time to get them to tell Dan to layoff on messing with your head.

[BobbiJo]

Not sure what Nathan or Tom know, but I appreciate you remembering their names! Nathan is our Nathan's namesake.

Dan has told Doug, one of his cattle partners, who he went to Denver with a couple weeks ago, that we are separated. He said he actually cried in front of him and told him his inner turmoil stuff. Even admitted the cheating. And Doug is pretty pro-marriage, has been married 25+ years himself. Tom has been married 25+ years. And Nathan has been married for 13 years...

Funny...Nathan was with Dan and Doug in Denver. Apparently someone asked Dan if he was Nathan's father (their birthdays are 7 days apart, actually, same year!!). That's how Dan realized this whole thing has aged him...

Actually those married 'mentors' haven't helped, yet. Dan has heard them over the years talk/bitch about their wives, the stuff some guys think they are supposed to do when they are with other guys. I am sure nothing major, none of them have had addictions, infidelity, etc that I know of.

Anyway Dan said when he got back from Denver, that both of our parents are poster children for shitty marriages. And hearing Doug and Nathan talk he can tell they "put up with" a lot from their wives.

Add in my oldest sister who is a total bitch to her husband (who btw has some explosive rage disorder after coming home from the war so he once threatened to rip the leg off a table and beat my sister with it ). Add in Dan's middle sister who is on the verge of D with her own husband (thanks in large part to the total crap SIL learned from MIL about marriage and MIL's meddling)...he pretty much says he doesn't see a happy marriage anywhere which gives him little hope.

[BobbiJo]

Oh, Kerry, one other thing:

Dan has an uncle, his mom's only sibling. Uncle Bob LOVES me. He has told me on more than one occasion that I am his favorite niece, and he has 2 biological nieces--Dan's sisters! Uncle Bob's parents, Dans grandparents, have also told me that I am their fave granddaughter out of Dan's side...they have said that they don't know where MIL came from b/c she is nothing like them...

Anyway Uncle Bob texted then called me after I didn't show up at Thanksgiving. Apparently Dan had to fess up re. my non-appearance. However all he told Bob was that we were 'having a rough patch'...

I told Uncle Bob that in fact Dan had moved out 11 months ago and lived with his parents. Uncle Bob affectionately refers to his sister (MIL) as the Old B!tch...he could not believe Dan was living there! I made it clear that the decision to give up on our M rested squarely on Dan's shoulders.

Uncle Bob said once his parents were gone (they are in their 80s) he probably wouldn't socialize much at all with MIL adn Dan's family...but he still wanted to get together with me! That he loved me and supported me, and so did Grandma and Grandpa.

If more people knew the true situation, I think they would probably feel the same way...

[Lotus]

I can think of a two word answer to all his whining and complaining. You are right to be angry BBJ. Why do you hold your tongue? Why don't you call him on his chit?