Journalling more ... MC said how hurt I am by H. MC confirmed that H can be critical, dismissive, cold, mean. I cried when he validated my hurt. But there is a new layer of hurt, which rr22 was talking about. The hurt of being left. The hurt of feeling like H thinks I'm so awful he's better off away.
Besides the usual hurtful stuff that brought us to a broken M, how do you people deal with this pain? Tonight I did well with my 180s while recognizing how hard it is to stick to them when hurting.
H borrowed my car tonight to go to a game (nerdy d&d role playing type stuff) because of his broken window from the break-in. When he came back to get his car, S and I were almost asleep (we sleep in same room when H is not here). H came in and said his usual critique, but in a kind tone so I let it go "Why are you two still awake? It's past his bedtime. You're overdue for an oilchange." Ok, he wasn't mean so the hurt was minimal from that.
But the hurt is that he is all hugs and kisses for S (for which I am grateful!!!!) while ignoring me. It also hurts every time he leaves and doesn't stay as if he is so happy to. I keep wondering when is the day that he will want to stay just to be with us - or me?
I usually don't even realize how hurt I am when he comes and goes. My 180 was I didn't jump up to talk to him, to engage him, to hug him, etc. I just lay with my eyes closed and when he mentioned wanting to talk to me I said I'd rather do it tomorrow because I'm tired. I stayed quiet while he left.
I'm proud I was non-pursuing and yet how do you all do it when it's so hurtful that they are just fine being gone? How do you deal with the rejection?
I'm trying to PMA - "hey this is just the situation for now and it's possible he'll return someday." It's possible too that he has mixed feelings about being gone even if he doesn't express them. I'll never know if he wants to come back on his own unless I can be more independent like this etc - but how can I deal with the coldness? It's so sad. How can I be at peace with this and not so in pain?
