Where in the world did that come from !!!

[blownaway65]

Just picked up the kids school text books for this year. Shelled out a heap of cash and realized that there is a $70 book we forgot for S16 for History.

He asked me to get it and I suggested he ask W to buy it for him as I was a bit skint ATM.

He texted her this morning (me knowing fullwell she is already in <bigtown> with OM) asking her if she could go over to <bigtown> early and get the book for him.

So she will wake up in OM's bed to a text from her son asking her to please do something for her.

Probably won't make a scrap of differnece though unless she manages to see thru the fog that she isn't there for her kids, but I can have a small amount of hope can't I.

[sandi2]

So she will wake up in OM's bed to a text from her son asking her to please do something for her.

Probably won't make a scrap of differnece though unless she manages to see thru the fog that she isn't there for her kids, but I can have a small amount of hope can't I.

Yes, you can have hope, but I think that hope is lost if it is placed in "her". Your hope has to be in God (if you are a Believer) and in yourself as a man. I know it is talked about over & over again, but when it's the truth there isn't much use of saying anything else. That truth is that she has to be attracted to you and that comes from respecting you as a man & her H. Nothing else (housework, parenting skills, etc.) will be as affective as that. Your job will be to become the man she once respected and loved enough to marry. It is a lot harder to gain the respect back...once it is lost, but it is not impossible.....and I can testify to that personally.

[blownaway65]

Couldn't resist this.

WS's brother (who she lives with) works at the same place I do, except I'm in Admin and he's a process worker (Big Food Manufacturer).

When W came to get her stuff from the house after I set my boundary BIL came with her to help. Haven't seen either of them since.

Anyway I heard his motorbike coming in to work today and just had to walk across the road to the Factory as he was parking. As soon as he saw me he almost ran to get into the place and away from me, never said a word.

I just calmly walked in, suitably attired in my business gear, and sporting my new fancy specs that I've only had for a week (which might I say make me look rather special). He was watching me the whole time and trying to hide it. No doubt this 'discovery' on his part will make it's way back to WW fairly quickly.

This is a complete 180 for me. I'm one of those people who hate Doctors, Dentists or anything like that. For me to go get my eyes tested and actually BUY let alone WEAR the glasses is a huge turnaround. And as often happens in those situations, once you do it you wonder why the hell you didn't do it years ago.

Proud of myself I am.

[rockedworld]

And you should be!

[blownaway65]

So W is texting D17 at 2 and 3 am asking if they want to come over and see her.

She's done this before and I called her on it. I guess while the kids have mobiles she is free to text whenever she wants but it does annoy me in that I'm the one who makes the daily decisions about what the kids do not her.

I don't want to come off as being controlling, but should I be telling W in no uncertain terms that if she wants to have anything to do with the kids, it has to come through me ?

[blownaway65]

Sandi, are you around, or anyone else feel free to chime in.

A while ago you wondered if there was anything that could be done to 'shock WAW out of this mess'. I'm wondering if maybe there is.

Each time W has asked the kids to come over they have said no. Last night each of the kids got the 'want to come over' text again to which they replied No. I have told them about the A and their resolve is stronger than ever.

When I confronted W last week and told her I knew about the A I also said that WE wouldn't be her friends while it continued. She replied mistakenly that I don't speak for the kids. Her impression is that the kids are cool with things.

I'm thinking that this may be a real shock to her system (and bear in mind it has to fit in 160 char TM):

"Do you not get that noone wants to see you while you are committing adultery. It's you journey for you alone. Stop contacting the kids, they have no interest in you ATM"

So my questions are:

1. Will it Shock
2. Should I send it - am I making things worse
3. If so When - As in when I know she's with OM or not
4. Do I get a 2x4 for just being stupid

[sandi2]

Do I get a 2x4 for just being stupid

No, not at all. I want to make sure I'm following you correctly, though. You told her that the kids didn't want to have anything to do with her while she's having A, and she's saying that they are cool with it....right?

I think you are seeing what I was saying about the shock value to a WAW, however, my advice is not to say anything about how the kids feel toward her, at this point. Not that you need to place your D17 in the middle of her parents, but I think your W would have to actually hear from D17 that she doesn't like what her mother is doing. I have forgotten the other's age, but if they know about it and tell her they don't like it and then don't hang out with her.....that will be the shock. But you telling her how the kids feel will not work b/c she thinks you are speaking instead of them. It would be much more effective if she got it just from D17.

If I were you and my D17 was getting TM's from anyone at 2:00 am, I would have to put a halt to that. How can she rest and go to school if she's getting TM's all night? Your W is showing how immature she's being (trying to act like a teenager) and she's certainly not thinking of the D17's welfare. What was she going to do, have a party at that time of morning? Kids don't think it's "cool" when it's their parent acting like that.

If your D17 usually gets TM's throughout the night and there has not been a boundary about her cell phone, then it may be very hard to set. Did your D17 tell you about the TM after she woke up this morning or did she wake you up right then? Anyway, if there is no set rules about the her cell phone, she may have to decide to tell her mom that she can't be waking up in the middle of the night to take calls and that it is upsetting and she can't stay focused with school. Just a thought.

Your WAW is going to have to face the cold hard facts that the grass is not greener where she's trying to live right now. If her kids lets her know that they want no part of staying with her and that they want her to act like a grow-up mom instead of a teenager, that will hit her hard in the face....if she's convinced it is their own feelings and didn't come from you.

I have read some of your posts to newcomers and you give good advice. That shows that you do understand the concept behind the DBing. That says a lot!

[blownaway65]

My previous post was a "This is what I want to say to her" post, I haven't said or sent anything yet, just being quiet for now.

So where we are is this: I told W last week I knew about A and that I was willing to work on M if she stopped A cold turkey. If not, would not be her friend and her stuff goes from the house - which some of it did and I got rid of the rest (she doesn't know that yet though).

The 3 kids know about A and are not happy about it, but it seems not phased enough to say anything to her about it. I know I shouldn't get the kids involved, but I agree with you, especially about D17 telling her what she feels. That would shock the pants off her more than the Sons.

As for the late nite texting, that was a red herring, W actually texted D17 at 5pm, D17 didn't read it till 3am (they're on holidays and have become nocturnal) and when she replied W re replied straight away. Interesting that W is awake at 3am though. Coincidentally I was awake then and on the .Alt, where W was signed on too.

The grass not being greener part, W is paying 1/5th of her salary to me in Child Support, paying for a rented house and having to travel lots of miles to be with OM and back to BIL's to keep up appearances. Financially she must be hurting but obviously not enough.

Emotionally she is pretty much unaware of how the kids feel about her whole wierdness, and she knows there is every chance we will have to sell the house we lovingly built ourselves for just the value of the land.

The grass is certainly not greener for her with where she is now, but really hard to see her making any changes short term at least unless something almost catastrophic happened.


As for giving advice, I guess when you read about as many of the sad and sorry things we all talk about here, the things that work become pretty self evident as do the things that don't. I really appreciate you saying that

Thanks.

[blownaway65]

One thing that is not good for my sitch.

W has organised for D17 to get a part time job 2 days a week after school at the Dental Surgery she works at. D17 is doing Year 12 this year (last year of High School for all you USofA folks) and we ALL know, W included, that she has to get really top marks to be accepted into a University (she wants to be a Midwife). That won't guarantee her a place though without the money to make it happen. W is not seeing that far ahead and say's "It will all work out", I'm sure that the job is just to get her and D17 cozy.

Now I don't want to stop D17 from taking the job, she desperately needs the cash she will get, but it's something I will have to keep an eye on as far as if her school work falls behind even a tiny bit, I will be pulling her from the job no questions asked and no consultation with W - or only after the event anyway.

[sandi2]

As long as your WAW has money to contact OM, then financial matters don't rank as high as they once did. If she had to choose today if she had money to be with OM or her D17 go to university, guess what would come in second place? So sad.

The children may be in a bit of denial about everything that she is doing. That would be hard to accept about one's mom. I'm sure it would be natural to push it to the back of one's mind and keep believing that she will be home tomorrow and everything will be back the way it should.

If D17 goes to work at the same place her mom is employed, then she may get a fist hand look at how her mother is trying to behave like a teenager and it won't set well with D.

Like I said, the WAW has to "suffer" from some kind of loss (either regarding some R, home, job, etc.) or she has to suffer shock (exposing the A, seeing her H stand up to her, etc.) You have a tough job ahead of you, but I think you are the man to do it!