Re. not wanting to trust anyone or be in a relationship ever again:
I'm reluctant to allow anything I do to be affected by someone that is close to me. I can't handle being hurt again or wasting time any more than you can.
Re. the fact that he only works the sh!tty job to have money for cows, and now that we are getting a D he won't be able to afford cows but WILL have to keep doing the job he hates...
Hell now I go to work stare at my computer and try to figure out how to get thru the day without going nuts. The whole purpose for the high pressure job has gotten screwed up.
I don't think you (me) ever really understood that and I guess I am so mad over that still that I can't get past it.
I'm just really screwed up and majorly depressed and I hate every day to the extent that I can't sometimes find the will and energy to get out of bed.
It sucks I have never been here before and don't know how to leave just caught in a trap and can't get out.
It's a hell of a place to be I wouldn't wish on my biggest enemy. It is making me way old way fast.
I don't think you understand and I didn't either just how much I resented you and hated your lack of support.
There was much much more but that is the highlights.
You know what? Rereading that today I realized, I don't think he has really ever owned what he has done to ME. It has all been his reaction to the hurt he says he has felt about me not supporting him??? No apologies for the utter hell he put me through, for me driving through Wichita with a 7 week old baby in the backseat at midnight chasing him in a car with his mistress. (Why did I bother??)
For pleading with me to trust him again and give him another chance, only to betray me again 5 years later? He will never ever know the pain of pacing in that St. Louis hotel from midnight till seven a.m. getting the courage to knock on his door and see him with his girlfriend. Too see the toys they brought with them sitting in the corner...
OK I don't know where I am going with this I know none of you want to hear it!!
I just don't know why I am always trying to figure out how to help him feel better when he has done NOTHING to make amends for the hurt and pain he has caused me.
WOW, my counselor is going to need way more than an hour to help me!
