Are regrets when you end a separation normal?

[june72]

OMT- It sounds like you are a tad impatient. Marriages do not improve over night. They just don't. For your kids sake you really have to give this marriage a really hard try. Have your read "His needs, Her needs"?

Five kids is very stressful. Are you done with kids or open to more? I ask b/c I think a good way to bond with your wife is through doing activities together, sharing time. Very hard to do with lots of children.

If you really, really think about it, just b/c the marriage seems horrible now does not predict that it will be that way in the future. You can not assume that a D would lead to any greater happiness either but just more complications.

I have come from a situation where I could not be more miserable and was hoping to "escape" the marriage, to then trying to work on the marriage to not hurt the kids with a D, to an in house separation that lasted over a year that my hubby initiated. We are now reconciled.

I can say with absolute certainty that my hubby and I HATED each other. That if I talked about point A he heard point B and vice versa. I can say that I was determined to end the marriage at one point and then he was determined at another point. I guess what I am trying to say is that no matter how negative the CURRENT circumstances are- that does not mean that the future circumstances will also be unhappy.

I also must say that you may have to "give" a one sided effort for a while. I know that I DBed and did not see results for quite a while. I did it and was determined that regardless of the result I knew that I put my best effort forward. And that in the future I would be a peace with how ever the marriage would go. Are you doing this? It took quite a while for changes to appear on his end but they did ( I mean I would not allow him to walk all over me but I did work on treating him really nice, I would call him out on his BS and I did have lots of backslides lots). I made big changes and after a long time so did he.

He has stated that the only reason that our marriage is intact now is because of the effort I put into it. I held my ground and stood for the marriage but also stood for my happiness and myself (if that makes any sense).

I would say the very first thing is to learn how to "fight" differently. Try staying very calm and validating her feelings, let her talk for a long time and ask her questions. Do not get defensive, hostile or try to justify or reason with her. Let her vent, tel her you empathize with her, if you disagree with her tell her "sorry you feel this way". As her what she would like to resolve an issue. If her solution will not work state I am sorry, is there another way? I want to please you....

Do randoms acts of love- hugs, kisses, sweet words, walk into your home with a smile on her face, bring her some of her favorite candies b/c you "thought if would make her happy". Make efforts to show that you enjoy time with her.

It is very hard for a person to stay angry or hate you when you are doing nice actions towards them. Some of it may seem fake at first but after a while it will feel the norm.


Try that approach for a while and see how it goes. A word of caution- if things seem to improve- expect backslides on both of your ends- it;s not a smooth transition to happiness- it's a bumpy ride.

I think you can easily turn this around. I really do. I think you need to get a more positive thought pattern about the marriage also though