so, warning: I'm not doing a good job of GAL or DBing... for what it is worth. I know that. and perhaps that is at least a start.
Hi Jack- thanks for checking on me.
And Virginia... its funny. You really have a real bead on my inner psyche.. it seems like things rattle around in my brain for a while and then I read your posts and its like you have been reading my thoughts... wierd.
I really like your 3 by 3 thing. I am going to put some more thought into that. Actually I'm going to see how many boxes I can check every day for a while. Surgery residents are taught to make boxes and then check them off, so I'm hardwired that way. It will be a great thing for me to work on those 8 things. Thank you for that.
The weekend was really really tough. I went up, got boys, drove back here. Had bad talk with W on phone that night. She came down the next day and tension was high.
What was just killing me all weekend was this: here we were, a family, hanging out on the weekend, playing wii, watching football, all of that. but it wasn't real. and it was only a reminder of how I worked so hard all these years for them, for THAT-- and now that dream is all but gone. Yes, I was doing it for me too... but really for the team, moreso.
What is hard is the rollercoaster. The conversations where she opens up and makes me think she is wanting to reconnect... but its not real.
so last night I told her I can't do these types of weekends any more where we pretend to be a family... one of us sleeping with one kid or the other. I cannot focus on having a nice time with the boys because here is the woman who I was looking forward to spending the rest of my life with and we are functioning as brother and sister, essentially and its killing me that I cannot touch her, kiss her... hell I get jealous of my 6 year old son because he is always giving her back rubs and loving on her (we joked that we should call him Oeddie... as in short for Oedipus)
what is so hard for me is I feel like I never got a real chance to really enjoy being married to her. That statment, I realize, is a big part of the problem. I put her on hold, thinking, when I'm done, then we will be able to really be husband and wife... obviously that plan didn't work out all that well. we had no money and I was in the hospital for 9 years. now I have a salary, time, and ME to give to her and it seems to be too little too late. tough not to think of the death of the dream... yes I know we all have dreams die but this fall has been fairly precipitous and from up on high. SPLAT.
she stayed in town today so boys could go to the dentist here. Left and I have to say I was so happy to see her go. Just too hard having her around. Very sorry to see the boys go but again I was relieved for her to go.
So enough of the pity party. I did an operation this morning that went pretty well. I called a friend from college who lives in Jackson Hole and I'm thinking of heading out there in two weeks for a week of skiing and sanity gathering. It was really great to talk to a real friend like that...
W called me 8 times tonight when I was in the hospital. I'm not sure what that represents-- this often happens when she leaves me for the weekend. Then called to say that she really appreciated how peaceful I was today. I'd call it more or less just cooked, shattered and broken... I guess that you can be peaceful like that.
V you are totally right. I can go about my business and not go for the D. Right now W wanted for us to meet with the MC next week... I'm not sure if that is because she wants to see if there is anyone on gods green earth besides me that thinks it would be important to try and figure out a way for us to get back to each other... for the big picture and those precious 6 year old boys... or just to get the Passport stamp of approval that says, "yea. you are right. its toast". not sure.
but I do think it will be a good mental excercise for me to see if I can start to get myself back a little bit here over the next two weeks.
found the model airplane field this weekend w the boys but nobody was out there.
