Gyps- This is EXACTLY what I needed tonight - THANK YOU!!!
And, for anyone who might be sharing a moment with me, here is the article that I read that made me feel better, hole and all.
Quote:
Are You Not Getting Over It? January 22, 2010 by Susan J. Elliott Someone asked me to rerun this. So here it is. When I was doing my internship for my masters program, I interned at a residential alcohol and drug treatment program during graduate school, we all took the residents to a local AA meeting. One Friday night I was standing in the hallway before the meeting with two guys who were really hard core drug addicts who had been court ordered into the center for a year. They weren’t happy and they didn’t particularly like meetings. Standing near us in the hallway was one of the “old-timers” of the meeting. His young “sponsee” was moaning about the fact that it was Friday night and instead of being out with his friends he was sitting around in an AA meeting. The two guys I was with mumbled to each other, “I hear that.”
The old-timer took $5.00 out of his pocket and gave it to the kid. “Here,” he said, “Go out and buy yourself a drink on me.” The kid looked startled. His AA sponsor was GIVING HIM MONEY TO DRINK? What? The sponsor said, “You’re obviously not ready. If you can’t handle sitting in a meeting on a Friday night in a program that will save your young, stupid life, you’re not ready. The door swings both ways. If you’re lucky, you’ll make it back.”
The kid returned the money and sat down and took his seat. The two guys with me were wide-eyed and they too sat down without protest (which was different than how they normally approached the meeting.)
Since then I’ve sometimes said to someone, “So maybe you ARE the one person in the world who can’t quit your ex. Call (him/her) up and have a good conversation. Perhaps you’ll get (him/her) back. Perhaps you’ll get closure. Perhaps you will finally be happy with this person.”
Many times the person will look at me like I just told him to light themselves on fire. You know why? Because I just did.
Sometimes people want to moan that they are not getting over it and will never get over it and this isn’t working and I’ll never be happy again.
No? Well go back to what you were doing. Because if you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you always got. So go. Have at it. Here’s your $5.00, you’re not done.
But if you are serious about getting over your ex and changing your life and being treated better in the future, that option is here too. Don’t fear that you are the one person who won’t get over it or the one person in the universe who can’t move on. If you do the work you HAVE to move on. Even if you feel you’re not.
In the past year and 4 months, I have grieved the love of my life’s terminal illness and death. Some days I thought, “I’m never going to get through this.” or “I’m never going to get over this.” hits me. So yeah I know. But I ALSO know that’s not true. It hurts and it’s hard but I won’t stay stuck. I’ve gotten over abusive relationships, divorce from a major jerk, rejection by my birth mother (twice!), a dysfunctional foster/adoptive family and countless relationships with bananaheads. And after all that I found my way into the relationship of a wonderful, tender, loving man who supported me and was by my side loving me for 13 years and then he was taken away. Because of my past work, I know that I will always love him, and always miss him, but I can and will heal and go on and enjoy the good things in my life (of which there are many).
It’s not that people don’t get stuck in grieving. We all know that they do and we all know that friend who is stuck and can’t get off the dime. But if you are doing what you’re supposed to be doing, that won’t be you.
Part of going through the grief is doing the Relationship Inventory in the Getting Past Your Breakup book and looking at, really looking at, what you had and what you’ve lost. But if you’ve done all that and you’re back to thinking obsessively about the ex, chances are you’re only thinking about the good things and your brain is convincing you that this is the only one for you.
It’s time to take charge of that brain. Of redirecting it. Of not letting it wallow. Just because you “did” the Relationship Inventory doesn’t mean you’re necessarily done with it. Did you REALLY do it or did you just go through the motions? Did you not learn anything? What did you learn? Why aren’t you focused on that?
If you want to sit there and day dream about your ex then have it. You’re not done. This is your $5.00. Go off and moon over the ex. You’re not done. When you’re done you will redirect that brain. Until then, here’s your $5.00. If you want to text, email or call your ex, have at it. You’re not done. Here is your $5.00.
If you want to think about the past and your ex and how wonderful it was once upon a time, you will have no time to think about the benefits of losing this person who did not love you right, who was not good for you. Here’s your $5.00. You are not done.
If you’re not building your new life and developing a relationship with yourself and a chance to find someone who does love you, here’s your $5.00, you’re not done.
If you’re so busy thinking about what you’ve lost and you’ve romanticized that person and what you had or you’re not being honest about it, it’s not going to help the getting over it. Here’s your $5.00. You’re not done.
If you’re holding on..if you’ve gone through the review and the deep grief and you’re still allowing your daydreams to lead you around by the nose…you need to take charge of it…to start to move away from that…it takes work. It takes snapping it off… If you’re allowing yourself to go there day after day without taking charge of it, here’s your $5.00. You’re not done.
If you are splitting your ex and only remembering the good times and telling yourself “I’ll never find anyone like that again…” here’s your $5.00, you’re not done.
If you’re sitting around feeling sorry for yourself and how wronged you were and how life is unfair and terrible to poor widdle old you, here’s your $5.00, you’re not done.
If you’re not realizing that the “good times” you’re picturing in your head wasn’t real, then you’re not done. As I’ve said before, you need to stop dreaming and start figuring out if this person was a life partner. Someone who would be there for the bad times as well as the good times. Dreamy and sexy and romantic is fun and nice and good but when you get the frantic midnight calls from the kids or the bills are due and you have no money or you just need to know you’re both there to weather the “terrible dailyness” of life that can and does occur, well it just didn’t cut it. Because if it had, it would still be there. But the dreaminess…oh the dreaminess…want to dream? Here’s your $5.00…you’re not done.
If you want to stay stuck and be the one person who can’t get over it, then have it. Have it your way.
But if you want to get over it, it takes choice. It takes determination. It takes a decision to go through it and move on.
Some people just don’t want to get over it and don’t want to get honest about that.
What is TOUGH to get over is the loss of the hopes and the dreams, the family and the white picket fence, but you STILL can get over that.
What feels like “I can’t get over this.” today is just the difficulty you are feeling…it doesn’t mean you can’t….it means you’re still in the thick of things.
the goal is to get over it as well as you’re going to….to do the work and feel the sadness and anger and all of the feelings…to get as far in the healing process as you can get and then LIVE YOUR LIFE to the BEST of your ability.
I’ve counseled people who have lost a child, and people who have had their lives wiped out by fire or flood or lost multiple relatives in accidents or had someone they love commit suicide. Or, even worse, a child goes missing and the case is never solved. Those are tough, tough losses and the grief is immense and intense. It takes a long time to climb up those hills and yet, they do the work and some day they manage to turn the page. They don’t forget their loss or their loved one. They don’t forget the good times but rather get to a place where it makes them smile instead of cry. That is integration. Integration of the loss into the fabric of your being and know that it has made you stronger. The stories of hope and determination and perservence and the indominable human spirit are OUT THERE. Look around and see it. There are some very bad losses in life and losing a bananahead is not at the top of it.
This is not to downplay your loss or your grief. EVERY SINGLE LOSS no matter how big or small must be grieved and must be worked through. But a breakup is not something that is going to upend you. Put it in perspective. Do your grief and move on. Stop saying you can’t. People overcome all kinds of things in this world and in this life. You can get over this breakup. Truly you can.
Remember, acceptance at the end of the grief process is NOT happiness…it’s acknowledging the loss and acknowledging that you have changed but deciding to go on anyway.
Acceptance means you’re not laying down, you’re not becoming a martyr…but it hurts and it’s hard…Acceptance is the place where you come to when you’ve done the work and know that you have changed. You might always be sad on some level…there might always be a hole, something missing, on some level…but you’re going to go on and be as happy as you can be even with that hole in your soul.
Your heart needs to go on.
You can’t sit around waiting for the feeling to take hold…waiting to be inspired to move on…you need to CHOOSE to move on and DECIDE to move on. You need to know you will be sad again, it may not ever completely heal, but you’re going to do your best to live your best life.
When the sadness comes, you sit with it, you honor it and your loss and then you continue moving on again.
You CAN get over it…there are many losses you never completely heal from but there are others that you do heal from…in both cases you do your work and put one foot in front of the other and be the best person you can be and live life to the best of your ability.
Many people channel their sense of loss into worthy and noble causes, rising up to meet the challenge of life and loss. If you work through a loss, truly work through it, you HAVE to change for the positive. You do. You can do it.
It IS possible to grow strong in broken places. Do your work, trust the process and you can do it.
