I made an appt today to get a physical - came home from work with a headache and laid down to let the ibuprophen work, and slept 2.5 hours! I can't do this anymore...
On another note....
In the place between being awake and asleep, x is still there. A lot.
Once, he told me that he wasn't the one hurting me, anymore.
In the dream, I told him he was. He hurts me everyday that he is gone, everyday that he has turned away from the vows he made, everyday that he has left all of us to live in this broken family. He hurts me, and he hurts his children. I'm not going to die from these hurts (even though I thought for a long time that I would). The kids won't, either. But they are there, and they are things that we deal with on a daily basis. Chronic wounds...you learn to live with it, but it never completely heals.
I want to ask him, Was it all worth it? Are you so ecstatically happy that it warrants what life I am left with, what life the children are left with, your parents, family and friends? How do you knowingly hurt your children like this - I will never, ever understand this.
And why the continued animosity, the undercurrent of lashing out? Are you still trying to convince me that you are an a$$hole? Do you really see me as some evil b1tch that you are lucky to be away from/unlucky to have even infrequent dealings with?
So many have said that time will do this for me, make the pain stop.......I really don't think it will at this point. Is it as sharp, as all-consumming as it once was? No, I don't think anyone could survive that level for very long. So it becomes dull, an undercurrent. It is more than three years since the bomb. Just about 2.5 years since he moved out and didn't look back. Just about 1.5 years since the divorce was final.
I grieve....this is not the way things should be. This was so unnecessary. And I don't know how to turn off love.
I want to talk to him. I miss the man I used to know.
