to all walk away spouses

[Fallen Knight]

Why did you leave and if you came back how much time did it take?

If any how long did the affair last and if it didn't last long--what happened?

What was it like knowing right from wrong and still causing that much pain?

What did you and your spouse do to get things on the right track?

Just trying to understand not trying to get anyone mad.
Of course there are exceptions to all of this--physcal abouse is not acceptable in any form if that is why you left then i do understand

[dbs]

Well-I'm not a WAW, but since you and I seem to be the only ones not getting any responses, and since my wife has done it 3 times and I have some experience with it, I'll take a shot at it.

The first time was 15 years ago and my wife quickly got into a PA. It was many years later she would talk about it with me even though we got back together about 4 months later.

At the time she was oblivious to anything around her but HER happiness. Her religious convictions, the pain she was causing, even her kids were neglected to get her "high" with the OM.

I had not met her needs emotionally, and he did. He was very skilled at "pretending" he was interested in her, when she eventually found out he was only really interested in one thing. She thought she was "in love". At that time she came back to be a mother, but has never really wanted to be a wife. She has left twice since then and moved first to another town, and this time just a few blocks away. Her big dissapointment seems to be in not having a "best friend".

For the first 10 years she was probably right. Although we are both deeply religious, and neither smoke or drink, and I thought I was a pretty good husband, I found out that in her eyes I was sorely lacking. I have spent the last 12 years trying to get better, or trying to improve in the areas she feels I'm not good at.

We are at the point that she now has appeared to give up on the marriage, and does'nt care if I communicate or not, show love or empathy or not. Seems to have lost interest or committment in being a wife.

In your case the reality is she may never come back. I know it's like a dream that only happens to other people. She could not possibly violate her vows and your trust this way. You find it hard to believe that this person you thought you knew could do anything like this. In my case I saw it in person a few times. Don't go there!!!!

If anyone would have told me how I would have reacted beforehand I would have disagreed. I felt it was my fault. I cried and apoligized as she made fun of me. I went into a deep depression the first and second times and lost 25 lbs (the ONLY good thing at the time).

Here are a few things you MUST learn and not forget. 1.ANYONE violating their marraige vows with another, it is their choice and not your fault! You may have faults and weaknesses like everyone else, but it hardly justifies someone to commit adultery-ever.
2. You can admit you have shortcomings that need worked on, and work on them! You do not make it better by being a crying boob who women have no respect for. Man up and admit your mistakes, but trying to point out theirs does you no favors. They are not ready to listen to any of it. They are in a fog that may take months to lift.
3. Take care of you. It is much easier said then done, but go do fun things with family and friends (no girls). I know you may not even feel like living anymore, but after 6 months my brother took me fishing, laughed at every CW tune on the xm radio that applied to my sitch (all of them did) and I finally laughed with him. At that point I started to live again. I did'nt know if my wife would ever come back, but I knew I'd be ok either way. This is a breakthrough point!
4. Pray. Involve your spiritual side. He knows your pain and will help if you let him.

It's a hard road for sure. I'm back on it, after being at the brink of a D. On round 3 I am much more able to cope. I don't like it, I don't understand it, but I also know I can only control and change me. Her agency and yours to make decisions, and how you decide to react to this decision of hers are important. How you deal with this most trumatic of all of lifes experiences will show what you are made of. It's ok to be angry, but don't be spiteful. Showing her you accept some responsibility for the marriage is ok, but don't grovel. Be respectful, but you don't KA.

Find a clergy, trusted friend, or get on here as often as you need to vent. That is important. There is no magic fix. There may be no fix. It could get better in a few weeks, months or never, but your attitude can and will, along with your coping skills. Read more info on this site, as others know much more than I do.

Many of us have been down your path. We feel your pain, and wish we could help you. The sun will come up tomorrow. Be patient with yourself and the situation as best you can. You are not alone!!!!!!

[TrentC]

Just FYI, there is a whole subforum for walk-away spouses:

Walk-Away-Spouse

You may have better luck getting your questions answered there.

[Fallen Knight]

thanks for the reply so far and for the record i did post in walk-away-spouse but sandi thought i might get more of a response here.
after a year and a half of trying and waiting, working on myself, taking care of myself and kids still doing that, i am talking to a lawyer in the morning.
My wife at this time is still content with nothing happening between us, living on her own, and going to her place to drink to relax. She has stated over and over that she hates me for what i have done to her over the years but will not talk about anything or point out anything that stands out.
We have been going on married 22 years. Unfortunly I counld list some things that she has done against me even before the affair took place. Most of it is the drinking-that does get out of control from time to time.
It's been one sided trying with no other side wanting to try.
I have prayed,detached myself from her,tried not to care but it's hard not to after 22 years. I didn't put her down,hit her, cheat on her,or anything of the sort.
I still get along with her family and they think she in the wrong.

[dbs]

Bud-I am about in the same place after 33 years and 3 different WAW episodes.

There just comes a time it's not healthy anymore, for either party. She is nice, she visits regularly (alot less regularly lately) we have been intimate on a regular basis until the last few weeks, but as far as emotional support, or being there as the sign up sheet spelled out on our marriage (at least I thought it was a 24/7/35 committment) it's not there.

I've come to the conclusion that although with her mental state she maybe just can't do it, or won't make much of an effort to try, I think God knows I've been DB'ing for 12 years and I have no doubt at this point there would just be another WA episode, and I cannot-WILLNOT go through anymore of those.

I do believe that if you've worked your buns off for years, and there is no try from the other side, it's time. I just have to grow a pair and set the boundary and be willing to follow it myself.

Good luck to you!

[sandi2]

Just FYI, there is a whole subforum for walk-away spouses:

I think that forum is so far down on the page that it's forgotten about. I'm not sure, but I think I was about the only one who posted to him, and I didn't want him to get so discouraged he'd leave.

[dbs]

Yeah-When you post on here looking for help and get no replies, it's another affirmation that you just could be the worthless no good for nuthin piece of crapolla you've been told about.

You almost have to go back and reply to yourself a few times so folks notice and then start givin some help.

Frustrating at times for sure!

[Bworl]

Knight,

Your wife has many issues.

I understand that you love her. We all love our spouses.

This woman lives like a teenager. She loses her job due to criminal acts, drinks, gets dwi, gets thrown in jail, has her car impounded, has affair(s).

In your love for her, you enable her to do these things by wanting her back, allowing her back, and never holding her accountable for her actions.

There is a phrase called toxic love and I think you've got some of that going on.

Women respond to strength and confidence. Women reject men who, in their weakness, allow them to do whatever they want to do without consequences.

You need to do some serious thinking in my opinion. I suggest that, for a time at least, your wife may need to be allowed to be cast adrift. To be let go. And by let go, I mean let her do her thing and do NOT rescue her when she leads her life into another car wreck.


Before your marriage can be rebuilt, she has numerous personal issues that have to be confronted. Did she always have a problem with alcohol? Did this used to be something you did together? Or is her strange behavior new in the last couple years? You simply cannot repair marital problems when you have the added difficulties of an addiction bringing more crap into the situation.


Do some thinking.

And no need for you to change forums. You're fine right here.


Blessings,

Bill

[Fallen Knight]

Thanks for the feedback so far, She was raised up around her family drinking and i think she started in her teenage years.
As for her behavior it has really been these last few years that i have noticed more drinking. When we started dating we did go to a few parties where we drank but it was ever now and then.

I still think she is going through a MLC but not sure. I did go see a lawyer and I think I'll do the paper work myself. It's cheaper as I do not have alot of money at any given time.

I have done alot of thinking-the divorce still isn't something i want to happen but me in a holding pattern is not good and not fair to me or our kids.
I have detached myself to the point that I don't want to see her, hear from her, still hard not to care but she's on her own and may never realize what a good deal she threw away.
What happens now she will have to deal with someday and who knows:
I am still going to take care of myself, the kids, the grandkids, do all of the things i need to do.

It's like noticing a cold front moving in and watching a storm approach knowing what will happen and being right in the middle.
I'm in the storm and have been for quite sometime,

Until next time:

[Gardener]

dbs,

Yeah-When you post on here looking for help and get no replies, it's another affirmation that you just could be the worthless no good for nuthin piece of crapolla you've been told about.
You almost have to go back and reply to yourself a few times so folks notice and then start givin some help.
Frustrating at times for sure!

I certainly remember my first post. After reading and lurking, I finally summed up the courage to take the plunge and really bare myself and put myself out there and...nothing. Seconds feel like minutes, minutes like hours.

But I know now after being here a few months it's often a case of so many threads, so little time. But remembering my first foray into these waters I try - as often as possible - to respond to a newbie even if it's just a quick, "welcome & hang in there" or some other boiler plate response - for now.

I will say this though (as I've said many many times before): Look at the Newcomers' Thread list and you'll see that "Views" almost always outnumber replies by a better than 10:1 ratio. There are many people out there who don't or can't respond to any sitch but who read commiserate empathize and pray.
We're never really alone, here.