25, I did actually speak at length (interviewed) 2 L's and a mediator last fall. One was ridiculously expensive and had the 'go get em' mentality, the other i jived with a lot more.. so i do have these 2 contacts and one that I thought about using. The issues is, we have ZERO shared assets (everything is separate), no house no kids, both make very good salaries so i don't know what i'd even win. Yes i shelled out some money for his tuition but not gobs, and everything i've made income-wise during our M is in my name. So my fear is more of a tit-for-tat type thing... one of my best friends' dads is a divorce L (in CA, and I live in MA still) and he suggested best to walk away without H coming after me for anything. But it's really the principle and bitter factor that i've worked so hard for so long and he goes to harvard and now makes $$ and my earning will plateau and plus, i'm at the stage where i don't want to work 80 hrs a wk...I want to have a H and a family and be more of the 'mom' role...I guess. But i do feel like he gets off scott free...
I was just having an angry moment in my hotel room before I read your email...it was more empowering...like who is this a-hole, he left me when i wasn;t working, actually (I quit my job to be home w him more), and HE asked me to pay him back for health insurance and necessities...meanwhile he's spending thousands traveling and boondogle trips (when he never paid for vacations in our M...I always did!) What kind of man is that?? And he says I emasculated him! I talked to an old friend this weekend who has known both of us since we were together and she said he clearly blames you for his own not-feeling-like-a-man, or whatever...
I moved in w him years ago, I had no job, i always paid my share and then some, and he leaves me after I've funded part of his tuition, spends $ irresponsibly and friviously, then calls me a selfish bit--. Argh. Sorry, an angry moment came.
But I still love this man and I understand some very hurtful below the belt comments I made to him over the years. I understand why he never felt adequate...but as my old college friends said 'he never felt good enough'... and maybe we got set into these dynamics and ways.
Sad stuff...but yes I should stand up to him. I just dont want to spend x in legal fees to get x plus pennies back...it's not a huge amount in the scheme of things. But i would love to go back to school and not work so hard right now.. (yes i could be major lifestyle change).
And talk about boundardies...we emailed this weekend about getting dinner one night this week, and i told him when i was free and then Radio Silence...he has done this many times. Do I text him tomorrow about what night works for him? I do want to talk to him b/c frankly i we've gotta talk about doing our taxes and i might very well be able to get tuition $ back outside of having to go to lawyers (last yr he told me that he would pay me back, he's not that much of a shmuck).
I want to seem strong and stand-up to him rightfully so, but I also want to be friendly and loving...is that weird? I want to act out of love still, not fear. I'm tired of always feeling like I'm the bad guy.
How should I proceed in getting together w him? I move back to CA - all the way across county - on March 10. we have very limited contact together until then.
And part of this self-blame and wanting hin desperately again lately is I know..driven out of fear. I am 33 and will I find love again and have children which I so want. Will I let go of this bitterness and heal? And will - based on any last posts - there be any chance of reconcil w H? I think it's very unlikely...but what if anything can i do to increase the odds, or move on.
You guys are wonderful. We are going through a shared pain and I do hope we all become stronger for it. Peace and Hugs, hhh
