one of the things she used to accuse me of was being selfish - doesn't this make me come off as selfish in her eyes?
It all feels like the opposite of what you "should" be doing, but the point is to do what works....not what feels right or not. You can't trust emotions! So many LBH's react to their emotions and you can't think properly when the emotions are in control......especially fear.
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i mean i totally understand the "why" but i fear "what" she may be thinking while watching me "fix" myself.
The fear must go or it will ruin the "fixing" you are trying so hard to do. She knows you so well and she will sense your fear. It is very unattractive to her. What "is" attractive to women is a man who is very confident in himself. I don't mean acting like a selfish jackass, but a strong, honorable, healthy self-confident man.
It is very hard for the H not to "fix" his hurting W. I don't think that she is just feeling guilt, but she is confused and hurt b/c you are becoming what she wanted you to be long before now. Now that she feels it's too late, you go into this routine of becoming a brand new person and it's throwing her for a loop. Yes, she crys over "what about her" b/c it's part of her pain and confusion.
If she asks you similar questions to those you've posted, then the only thing I would suggest saying is that you've decided that you will enjoy your life from now on.....and you will begin doing that by being the best you know how to be.
If that sounds selfish...then so be it, but I don't know how she could argue with that. Don't adopt her problems for your own. You have to work on you, and she has to work on her. The two of you will need to work on the MR. But first, she has to get to the place she is "willing".
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
If she asks you similar questions to those you've posted, then the only thing I would suggest saying is that you've decided that you will enjoy your life from now on.....and you will begin doing that by being the best you know how to be.
wow - i must be learning about myself, i woke up this morning and before i got out of bed (yes i slept in same bed last night - the "no more mr. nice guy" thing, i wanted to sleep in my nice comfortable bed to actually get sleep, first night in about a week), she tried to push me off the bed in a joking manner - which i giggled about, then she set the trap - "what your not going to be a dick like you normally would?"
my response - i have been too unhappy with the way i have approached things over the past few years and and will be leading a more positive life from now on - also told her that it was too bad that it took her wanting to walk that made me realize this, but i can't change the past and can only focus on how i want to live my life going forward.
also i must thank everyone who replies or even reads my sit, thank you. these post i have made on here are what helps me keep my sanity and going down the best path for myself.
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
my response - i have been too unhappy with the way i have approached things over the past few years and and will be leading a more positive life from now on - also told her that it was too bad that it took her wanting to walk that made me realize this, but i can't change the past and can only focus on how i want to live my life going forward.
I really like your reply -- it's DBing in a nutshell -- and it's awesome that you had the presence of mind to communicate this to her.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
again, sadly these are thing i wish i would have known or done in the past to keep from getting to this point.
Maya Angelou:
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I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
weekend started out interestingly, as i went to bed on Friday (she was already asleep) she woke up, went down stairs then came back to bed. next thing i know she has he arms wrapped around me and he head burried in my shoulder and starts to cry. told me she just wants to be happy, told her i can't change her or the past but can only work on myself being a better person. she continued to hold me for some them then we fell asleep.
next morning she wants to go out shopping, and when she leaves she walks to me and hugs me (which is something she would never do in the past) - smile and tell her to have fun.
so sounds like things are heading in the right dirrection, unfortunatley i think i may have slid back as i later in the day (probably more out of habit) leaned over and gave her a hug - got the roll of the eyes and the "leave me alone look".
will try not to "slip" again - in the mean time i am still running and reading, even been more patient with my kids over things that used to anger me.
i do notice that my W seems to get more upset when the kids are all crazy and loud (i can't be there every time to try and take control and quite the situation)- any thoughts on how to help her lower her stress - still refuses to see any kind of doctors or counciling.
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
gman, she will go back and forth with her state of mind. She likes what she sees with you, but wants to guard herself into falling back into something that made her so miserable in the first place.
Continue the path, took my wife about 4 or 5 months before she announced that "we're good". I have seen this process take less time and I have seen it take much more time on these boards so don't go by my situation. Just wanted to tell you it takes time for the W to figure out the changes being made are truly changes that are being made permanently.
Re: Stress, do not try to fix it. If she asks you to calm the kids down, of course do it for the sanity of the house. But it also let's her know that if you are not around her anymore that she will have no one to take control of a situation that she is not good at controlling herself. Was in my sitch as well.
gman, she will go back and forth with her state of mind. She likes what she sees with you, but wants to guard herself into falling back into something that made her so miserable in the first place.
Burt
Will keep the course - i personally don't want to fall back to that miserable place myself either, but only i can keep me from going there i guess.
Thanks Burt
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
I think the majority of women know when they aren't acting like themselves when their hormones are out of whack and at times even when they are struggling in their WAW fog. I said at times, mind you.
The sad thing with so many of us is that we continue to live in that state until it becomes the norm. Once it becomes normal for us...then we aren't as quick to change it.
So, if she shows signs of regretting her behavior, I'd say that she still recognizes that it's not right.....so that's good. I don't know how to get her to see a doctor. I wished I did. The truth is that the H is usually not the one a WAW will listen to about seeing a doctor about hormone problems.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
