if you read Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson, I really feel you have all the tools required to take care of your situation. If you have questions about something written in the book, you can post it here but in essense, the title of the book is your answer.
You want to love her, go ahead, no one is saying you can't but if you allow her to treat you poorly, to disrespect you, to abuse power & control in your relationship, what would make her stop? Loving her isn't an excuse to allow her to treat you badly or to abuse you or take advantage of your love.
Unfortunately you need to grow a backbone and that won't be done by drinking milk.
Letting her go is the first step to getting her back if that's even possible. You pretty much give her the green light to do what she does to you by accepting that behavior and not standing up for yourself. There is a huge imbalance of power and that needs to be fixed.
Sorry bro, I don't make the rules, I just know how they work now.
And this "panic" that you fear, what is it? Fear of loss, afraid to stand up to her, quantify it, what exactly are you afraid of? Paralysis, afraid that she will leave as soon as her ducks are in order? (she has pet ducks?) Listen Rob668, she is gone already, what you see is a shell of the former person, the person she is now is not the same but you are holding on to this image, hoping it will return, and I would say "NO! That's not good enough!" and you will need to change, evolve into something else, something better, something much more masculine if you want your life to turn around - this scared weak wussy man thing doesn't just translate evidently in your posts on this site, i'm sure it's pretty clear in your day to day body language when you deal with her and ohh how the ladies love a scared wussy weak guy, it's super attractive, it makes them hot..... NOT!
"....I'm still being the nice guy till there's a plan in place."
Stop being the F!@#$%*! NICE GUY!!! What's with you? Why do you want to be a nice guy? Nice guys aren't honest, you aren't honest, get angry, be honest with your feelings, "You are treating me like crap and I can't let you do that anymore! Shape up or out the door you go right now!"
"...I feel that i'm in a race to do something Before she does. "
And there is another point of failure for you.... you're not in a race, in fact, you sound like a guy who has to react to every action your W makes. No, stop this. You're in control now, you do things because you want to do them, not because you have to react to her and save your marriage.
Rob if I was able to remotely control you, I would, I would put the words in your mouth, I would control your actions, guide you, move you, show you how to respond to your wife and how she acts and how to turn things around for you but I can't. All I can say is that your fear is controlling you and you'll get nothing accomplished this way until you embrace the suck and realize that you will still be alive tomorrow and the day after that regardless of what happens.
oh Rob.... you're making me sad when I read your posts.
Sorry i'm disappointing you, really! i'm doing my reading homework, really trying to implement. I'm slow, yes!! i keep asking all to stay with me ,PLEASE! Don't be afraid to explain it again and again, i won't be hurt. I guess i need handholding. Pretty sad for a grown man, but true. Please stay with me...will post later. I'm getting closer to the endzone. THANKYOU!!!
you're about as close to the endzone as the attendants in the parking lot, seriously bro you're not even in the game.
It's not disappointment I feel, it's sadness, you don't get it, even after all of the explaining and it's not that I get tired of explaining it, I've done that several hundred times on this site. I'm sad because you won't engage the man inside you, you're scared, small, ineffectual and weak and those are the things that are holding you back from your goals and you're 48 but you sound 30 or 40 years younger than that - I'm beginning to think you have issues from your childhood which you've never addressed and are holding you back.
a sense of humor helps a bit. I'm re-reading my thread for nuggets as Gnosis suggested. I'm gonna write down some boundaries. I've done the the GAL stuff several times as per recommended coming home late. Maybe that isn't the strategy at this time. Also gonna scroll thru Dobson again for nuggets. AND Please keep sending nuggets my way. I CAN"T tell you how much i appreciate all of you taking an interest in my situation!
a sense of humor helps a bit. I'm re-reading my thread for nuggets as Gnosis suggested. I'm gonna write down some boundaries. I've done the the GAL stuff several times as per recommended coming home late. Maybe that isn't the strategy at this time. Also gonna scroll thru Dobson again for nuggets. AND Please keep sending nuggets my way. I CAN"T tell you how much i appreciate all of you taking an interest in my situation!
You've done the "GAL stuff"... ummm NO, you haven't when you refer to it like that. It's not stuff. It you getting a real life, learning about yourself again, doing stuff that makes you happy, getting involved in life outside of your home and your wife, doing what makes you happy and then you get used to treating yourself in this manner with dignity and respect. When you say it the way you did, it's a task on your shopping list:
- stayed out till 11:29pm, check!
And it doesn't work that way.
Really get a life.
You know what you need, you need to go out on dates with different women and experience a little external validation to pump up your ego and boost your confidence.
you are correct..i mean't i went out a few times solo so the wife could notice a change BUT also for me. Not with any women but a movie, a friends house, a chair massage. I go to bookstores, ride my motorcycle , have dinner with a friend. But nothing with different women. It's tough to "date" when you are married, even if the marriage is in trouble.
I Am still here. Just been very fatigued lately . Taking an AD med but only several days. Hopefully it will kick in soon. The crappy weather sure doesn't help. I am following the threads as much as possible and reading and praying. Thanks!
