Let him go Britt, you can't hold on to someone who doesn't want to be there. You can still love him, but let him be. When people can't love each other the way they require that love, those people either need to work on it together and let themselves have freedom from each other as one last loving act towards each other.
And start investing in yourself, I hear the voice of someone who doesn't believe in their own value, feels very small, very little self-worth, someone sad, heartbroken, depressed and trying to hold gallons of rushing water in the palm of your hand and you're not successful at that and it's hurting you deeply because everything you've done hasn't proven successful.
He doesn't know what he has.
He won't know what he has until it's gone.
And then at that point he will realize your value and then at that point you will be the one to choose if you want them back if you still want them back.
I'm not saying to do it now but at one point, you need some social interaction (dating) with men who will give you some attention, pump up self-esteem and make you feel good to be a woman, make you feel desirable and wanted and make you feel better about yourself. But I don't want you to base your self-esteem on that, I want you to be able to validate yourself internally instead of external validation but we all have to start somewhere.
If he doesn't value you or the relationship he has with you then let go of him, it is his loss, not yours, you tried and you can hold your head up high knowing that you did try.
But then again, he went away this weekend to play hockey. Text me when he got there. Called me the following morning for ten minutes. Text me the following morning. And then text me on the way home. Got home late, climbed into bed. I was sleeping but no kiss hello, no cuddle, nothing. Sorry but when a H and W have been apart for three days, would it not be normal to climb into bed and wrap your arms around your W? We woke up this morning and no hug, no kiss, nothing. I don't think he loves me.
The question is...do I want to live witha man that doesn't love me forever, or be lonely and single. Which is worse?
Britt,
Only you can decide which is worse for YOU. From my observation spot, however, you seem horribly sad and miserable, and that makes US sad. This clearly isn't working for you.
I have learned that we teach people -- over time -- how to treat us. Your husband has learned that he can do this, and -- for the most part -- you will be okay with it. Only you can decide when that is no longer "okay," and decide to stand up for yourself.
Hey Britt, I really feel your pain. I have been with my H since I was 14 and dont know any other life. I am also really scared, but I know that I will be okay.
Life is about choices, that is why the Lord gave us freewill. I choose to be okay. I choose to be loved again one day and I choose to be the best mom I can be.
As Rox suggested as a last act of love to my H, I have let my H go. I have allowed him to file for D even though this is something that I really dont want. It will be his loss and he will realise this one day, just as it will be your H.
Just take one day at a time - you will be okay.
Me 37 years young!! S11 S7 T22 M14 D final 13.05.2010 Today is the first day of the rest of my life!!! First post: D Day has arrived
But then again, he went away this weekend to play hockey. Text me when he got there. Called me the following morning for ten minutes. Text me the following morning. And then text me on the way home. Got home late, climbed into bed. I was sleeping but no kiss hello, no cuddle, nothing. Sorry but when a H and W have been apart for three days, would it not be normal to climb into bed and wrap your arms around your W? We woke up this morning and no hug, no kiss, nothing. I don't think he loves me.
The question is...do I want to live witha man that doesn't love me forever, or be lonely and single. Which is worse?
Britt,
Only you can decide which is worse for YOU. From my observation spot, however, you seem horribly sad and miserable, and that makes US sad. This clearly isn't working for you.
I have learned that we teach people -- over time -- how to treat us. Your husband has learned that he can do this, and -- for the most part -- you will be okay with it. Only you can decide when that is no longer "okay," and decide to stand up for yourself.
Hugs,
Puppy
Puppy am I allowed to give you 4 whistles? People should read this, put it on a post it and glue it on to their forehead so that they read it everytime they look in a mirror.
Britt, you've no doubt read the stories from alot of men on this site dealing with WAW's, how those women treat those men and yet these men still want to be with their wives, call it a challenge, call it wanting what you don't have, call it whatever you like but start employing that mentality because it works.
I feel sorry for you, britt. Not in a condescending way, but in an genuinely empathetic way.
I don't know anything about your life or your upbringing, and only know what of your situation you have told us. But it must be horrible to be so scared of being alone -- so scared that that you would rather spend the rest of your marriage playing second fiddle to someone else's needs.
And you have no control over the future. What if he finds someone else who will make him happier and leaves for good? What if he gets hit by a bus, or killed in the line of duty?
I would strongly urge you to talk to your IC about these feelings of loneliness, and some of the co-dependancy issues we've touched on before.
Don't do it for your husband, or for us. Do it because you deserve to be happy.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Britt, you've no doubt read the stories from alot of men on this site dealing with WAW's, how those women treat those men and yet these men still want to be with their wives, call it a challenge, call it wanting what you don't have, call it whatever you like but start employing that mentality because it works.
This is true. When you seemed to be happy and making a life for yourself, your husband was responding to it. Heck, the flowers were an amazing bit of timing on someone's part!
To me, this means that there is still interest on his part, but this current mood of clingy dependancy is starting to push him away again.
If you don't want to be alone, work on being someone people will want to be around.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
So.. the inevitable has happened. My H has had a revolution. Its quite amazing. He had a panic attack and the blood rushing to his head did serious damage or should I say "good"? Two weeks ago, my H came home from work early after calling in the police therapist and having a long two hour session with him. He said we "needed to talk"
By this time I was soooo done. I told him earlier that day that this isn't the life I want. I don't want an H that doesn't love me. I don't want an H that comes and goes as he pleases. I don't want an H that gives absolutely no time to his family. I don't deserve any of that. I finally stuck up for myself. Let the fear go. It was so refreshing to finally do what I want. And say what I want. It felt good to be so liberated, and free. No more eggshells, I couldn't deal anymore. It was bringing me down one step at a time. So I did it. And it changed our life.
We sat down to have "the talk" and he broke down (which has yet to happen in 4 and a half months). He told me that at work today it all of a sudden hit him. That this time he could really lose me. When he left it was on "his" terms. If he wanted to come home he could. He knew I would be there with open arms. So sure, he came home and there I was.
He said this time was different, this time he felt like HE was losing ME. And it scared him to death. It made him realize that that is not what he wants. He wants me and the kids and this family. With help from the therapist he realized that subconsiously he was "pushing the envelope" with me the past few weeks. He was almost waiting for me to fail. Waiting for my changes to fall through and not be "real" changes. He wasn't doing this on purpose, but at the same time..he was. Its hard to explain, but the therapist said he has seen this many times. WAS leaves, only to come back expecting failure. Expecting the the LBS has "faked" the changes that need to be made in order to bring their spouse home again. So when those changes are real, it scares the WAS. Which is what happened to my H.
He realized he treated me like crap that last two months, apologized over and over. He WANTS to go to counseling together as a couple. And on his own as well. He owned up to having his own issues that need to be dealt with. He said he needs the help of a therapist to help him get through this and get us in a good place. He finally admitted that he needs help and can't do this on his own. AMEN to that one!
So we have a meeting this friday and the journey begins. I'm more happy than ever. I will take all the help we can get if in 20 years I can look back with him and say, "yes, we had a good 4 month rough spot, but with some help we got our marriage on track and look at us now!"
He told me he loves me and never stopped. As do I.
The last few weeks since this happened have been amazing. He has been the man I married. He spends time with us as a family. He gives me the affection he once did and lost. It feels like our first year of marriage all over again. He is virtually never on his blackberry anymore. Which is amazing. He focuses on me all the time. No more texting each other. We "talk" now. I owe it to myself to give this a try. I did not go through 4 months of hell to throw it all away. So we'll see how it goes...
Just wanted to catch everyone who stood by me through this. Too many to name. I appreciate every single one of you. I know I've been MIA the last few weeks, but I've been busy with my "new" marriage. I will now be going over to the "piecing" thread as I feel I'm there now.
Thanks everybody again. Keep on keepin' on...
Britt
M: 31 H: 29 Married: 6 yrs Children : 7yr old, 5yr old, 2yr old
Separated: Sept. '09 Moved Back In for wrong reasons: Nov. 30, 09 Recomitted to our Marriage: Jan. 25, 10 Threatening to leave again: July,14
