Can I save my marriage?

[TrentC]

I think my big problem right now is being alone. I know I've have been there before. But thinking of my life alone is so scary. My stomach hurts when I think of coming home to an empty house. As unhappy as I am right now with my MIA husband. And the 'roomate' that I have, I still have that person to talk to everynight, and that person to sleep with everynight.

I know what it's like to be scared of losing your marriage. But do you want to be married to someone who has decided not to love you?

Scared out of my mind to be alone. Especiallly with two young children. When we originally separated it was sooo hard.

I can't even imagine. But what do you think your kids will learn about marriage, with a mother and father who aren't in love with each other?

I am not the type of person to enjoy being alone. Some people like it, I am the opposite. I need to be around people all the time. I get very lonely, very quickly.

Why is that, I wonder? This would be a fantastic question for your IC...

I can't imagine not having my H to do those fun family things with anymore.

But is it really "fun family stuff" if you're not a family?

Don't get me wrong, people stay together "for the kids" all of the time. But you deserve better, and your kids deserve better. They deserve to see their mother happy, with someone who will love all of them, all of the time.

My friend is married to a woman with a child from another marriage, and they have one of their own as well. And let me tell you, you can't tell that my friend and his stepson aren't related. Hell, I had to stop and remind myself that the proper term is "stepson"!

The fact is, people who get divorced can find happiness in other relationships. But you are aware of a whole boatload of your own issues, and those are things that you should be working on now. If not to restore your relationship with your H, then to make the next relationship even better.

Sorry but when a H and W have been apart for three days, would it not be normal to climb into bed and wrap your arms around your W?

But your relationship is not normal; you are not a happy family right now. You need to stop judging things by arbitrary standards.

We woke up this morning and no hug, no kiss, nothing. I don't think he loves me.

You're busy convincing yourself that your husband is not and can never be in love with you again, and that you will never be able to find anyone else to be happy with, so you're willing to condemn yourself to a joyless marriage?

What good is this line of thinking doing for you? I hate it when I find myself getting worked up about the pace of things in my relationship. Why would you do this to yourself intentionally?

The question is...do I want to live witha man that doesn't love me forever, or be lonely and single. Which is worse?

Well, if he's truly not in love with you anymore, then it seems like you're just setting yourself up for disappointment down the road. Because at some point he will find someone to be in love with, and then he will leave you for good. And then where will you be?

As for being alone and lonely, there are people out there who would be willing to marry a single mom. They may even have kids of their own. But if you can't figure out how to address the issues that you yourself recognize, how will you ever be happy anywhere? With your husband, by yourself, or by someone else?

You can't depend on someone else to make you happy. It's not fair to ask anyone else to be your constant companion; you've even said that it's something that your husband doesn't like about you. So why not take a big step for yourself (and hopefully a big one for your R) and figure out how to change that?