Looking for Advice

[gutwrenching]

This sitch could get moving real quick. I heard that I am one of 5 being considered for job and that it will be discussed today--decision possible--or decide to do interviews. I have also not ruled out if told the job is mine to saying no thanks or having the cahones to ask for a later reporting date which is just not heard of in the military with positions like these...but I haven't decided. Situation is so delicate right now.

I talked to W briefly on phone to discuss this. I sent her a short e-mail, stating here's where the situation is at, I've had some more thoughts on the matter, don't want to do it on e-mail or TM, can talk about later tonight. She replied to the e-mail and I couldn't tell what the tone was--might have been sarcastic(thus why we should communicate less on email/TM, we need to see or at leat hear the non-verbals and such). Then about 10 minutes later she called me. I didn't try to pretend I didn't know it was her, that is not the place we are at right now.

We talked about when she would move (our boss said he would let her leave sooner than June if we wanted too...but the issues are D8 in school and selling house). I did mention that although stressful moving in school year, might be less traumatic than D to our kids. I am really trying to focus my thinking on what is best for the girls. I am thinking a kid can survive the trauma of losing her friends/school in 2nd grade more than a D by her parents. W then said what about selling the house, no way we sell the house that quick. I just said look I'm just talking out loud about the kids right now; I'm not saying I have the answers, I'm just trying to think through it. And, no matter what, this move is going to be a financial hit to us (I'll spare you all the details, not relevant, but trust me, we are going to feel it in the wallet).

I said we can talk more later if you like, we just don't need to do it over e-mail that is all I was trying to convey. I also said there were other things we could talk about tonight. She pressed me for what. So I said what about counselling, you brought it up last night. After a long pause and sigh, I got an "I don't know"

Finally we agreed that we can do all this later. I told W we both need more sleep. She said what if I leave work early today. I guess I chuckled a little or made some kind of noise because she said I'm serious, I want to try to leave early today.

I said nothing, because I don't believe it will happen. I belive she wants too but don't think she has the willpower right now to let go. She is still hiding from things by burying herself in work. Our boss told her today she needs to let go of things and take care of personal situation...he sees it too...everyone does. I've never seen her like this. Must be the fog.

Right now, I get the impression she is thinking about trying, but isn't there yet. For the first time since the bomb was dropped, I think she is actually thinking about whether or not she can try. Before now, it was all talk, just give me space, I need to think about things, when in reality she was probably only thinking about OM. A couple of times I had even asked her if she had thought about things and she told me no both times. I haven't asked her in a long time, realized that is pursuing and also learned to read the actions better.

The crisis of the shortened timeline has caused a slight change...maybe some of the stuff I have done has helped too, who knows, its all at once. The fog isn't as penetrating and the pain in her face/body is more evident. That is what I am basing this assessment on, what I see and what I feel more so than what I hear. When I walk down in the basement on her (stopped letting her take that as her territory), I see a different person. She isn't nervous, she isn't consumed with the internet, she is different, she is troubled, she is more drained.

I don't know whether to push or back off at this point.

I did say that we needed to take some time for ourselves, something we didn't really do this weekend and have done very little of lately. She said like what, I said something mindless, like set aside some time to just sit and watch TV together and not stress about anything. She seemed to agree that would be good (but I know that means she has to let go of work for that time also which is hard for her these days though she did work less last night at the house than she has in weeks). I know my wife, escaping reality by watching TV has always been good for her emotional health in the past when things get stressful.

I'm worried that I am on a fine line between pursuing and just pushing because of the gravity of the situation and not giving enough space.

I am in a sitch that isn't fitting any of the models or norms. Opinions welcome at this point.

There is one positive of all this...it has helped me immensely to stop obsessing about the OM. These developments have really drove home how little he means in the bigger picture. I hope to be able to continue that after we get thru this crisis.