Everything you posted was gold, you're finally being real with yourself, there's alot of power in that, you get to make decisions concerning you now, you're not just reacting to your W, you're responding based on the situation and based on what you want, and there is a difference between reacting & responding and you're doing the latter, you've realized alot of personal growth, even at such a high price it's definitely a good thing.
Is this not the goal for all of us regardless how our sitches turn out in the end?
I took the time to do my mind dump and dissect our 12 years together. I went into deep introspection of how and who I was: - before we met - the good times - the bad times - during the marriage and now And from there, who I will be in the future.
From there I reflected further on myself. I asked myself the following questions and let them stew...
- What do I really want? - Was I really happy during my M or was I compromising all the time? - Where did I lose my perception of self? - How did I lose sight of who I am to become who I'm not?
From there I came up with a list of my wants in a partner. This is a partial list:
- A woman who WANTS to be with me - Who supports my dreams and will give me the freedom to pursue them. - Who does not mock my efforts or ridicule them - Who realizes what she's got and doesn't compare me to others - Who confides in me and values my opinion - Who understands how much I value privacy - Who doesn't measure success with material possessions
Gno, your questions above are great. It seems you are on the right path to getting yourself back and I hope your vacation was relaxing for you. Time, as cliche as it is, truly is the greatest healer of all. I wish you so much peace and happiness.
UPDATE: The next question that comes up is "Do I love her?" Yes, I do, and now it's my turn to add, "but I'm not in love with her." It's a strange feeling. I still have my ups and downs and question and second guess myself frequently. This is to be expected. Sadly our minds and feelings can't be switched on or off at will. I know that these mood-swings will haunt me. Time is the only erosion force that will smooth out the jagged pieces of my life. Knowing it doesn't reduce the pain of experiencing it, I wish it did.
So there you have it... the update.
Yes, Gno, we are in a very similar place. I appreciate all your words of wisdom on my string. I really do.
I hope you know how much you, and all the others have helped me grow while experiencing this.
M43 W43 D11 S7 M18 T20 WAW is back & trying (no she was lying) Close to callin' it busted but.... watching Whatever the outcome - It was a choice.
I just went through 11 pages and thought - there's probably much more that you didn't even say!
I guess the D papers make things much more concrete. I've read so much, and it seems that you have too, to know that there is only so far you can spin before a 180 gets you back to 360 (otherwise known as 0!)
Good luck with whatever direction you end off going. Do you think that you or she might change your mind before the final D date? If so, maybe begin with a peace offering that is against what is often encouragedd - give her a book that speaks to your needs that haven't been met. If she reads it and can connect with it, maybe she'll be able to show something of you that you've been missing. (I've been suggesting "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It" - it part because it addresses a lot of things that my wife did to ps me off...)
I just went through 11 pages and thought - there's probably much more that you didn't even say!
Yes there is.
Originally Posted By: onthemountaintop
Do you think that you or she might change your mind before the final D date?
Yes, that is a possibility.
Originally Posted By: onthemountaintop
If so, maybe begin with a peace offering that is against what is often encouragedd - give her a book that speaks to your needs that haven't been met. If she reads it and can connect with it, maybe she'll be able to show something of you that you've been missing.
No. I don't believe in 4th hand communication. A book is good, but only when BOTH parties are sincerely committed to the path of reconciliation. I don't believe in letting a book do all your talking for you.
Gno, you wife WAS probably all you decribed as "ideal". You were probably her ideal of a H. That's why you married, no? Dont forget that.
Thanks, I won't and haven't.
Originally Posted By: Kalni
I really hope you are ok with this and as strong as you sound.
Thank you once again K.
Originally Posted By: Kalni
Posted this to luvless by accident!!! Duh!!
LOL. Don't worry.
I'm glad that you and H have gone to MC. Your MC sounds great and seems to know what she is doing. Soften your heart a little sister. That your H is trying is very important. I know you are carrying a lot of hurt and resentment (and justifiably so) but please try let a little of it go. Remember the saying that it takes two to tango? Well... it kind of applies here too. The road has two directions and to meet both of you must be walking towards each other. If one is chasing the other the two of you will never meet halfway. Does that make sense?
(I'll post this in your thread too... in case you miss it in my quiet corner of the world)
Gno, I am checking on you, no need to repost this on my thread but thanks anyway...
I dont forget and that plays a big role to what I am trying to do. BUT -talking about me and probably you could relate as well- the time that has passed, didnt only bring hurt, it also brought CHANGE. I am no longer the same person he left. I think he slowly realises that. Thanks K
I'm sorry for the pain. You have made great lists.