WAH in MLC with PA

[DiamondGirl]

Great.. so now I'm sitting at work and weepy... The thought of going to court and having to see him and stand up for myself and my children is terrifying and heartbreaking to me... Terrifying because I know I won't be able to do it without bawling my head off! Heartbreaking because I still love the alien and can't stand my family being torn apart like this!

How did things that were so right years ago end up so wrong??

I can't afford a lawyer or to lose the subsidy. And I don't want to have to go into court and put on record the batsh*tcrazy stunt he's pulled through this by going AWOL at work and towards everyone...

WHY does unconditional love have to hurt so freakin much???

[DiamondGirl]

Ok... so I can definitely attest to the "impossible to drink water and cry at the same time" advice... I think I'm going to have to bring a case if this does end up going to court...

I don't want to end up with WAH having joint custody because I really don't trust his state of mind right now... He's all for emotional decisions and selfishness...

But heck, I don't even know what in the custody draft he objects to... he's incommunicado.. and my subsidy meeting is next Monday.. grrr

I have the feeling this is going to be a looooonnnnggg week...

[DiamondGirl]

What kind of DB goals can you set when a WAH is in MLC?

I'd like to avoid knee-jerk emotional reactions like I had in the last few posts...

But if you have to wait until they are out of Replay and not spewing MLC script, what do you set as a goal?

I'm a little confused as I know MLC DB is a little different from the regular DB...

[cat04]

DG,

The spiraling stops slowly. There is just no easy fix. Detatchment is good for it, but it takes time to get there. You really have to be patient with yourself in this area.

Yes knee-jerk reactions are hard to stop. It takes a ton of practice and a ton of restraint.
But you can do it.

Goals are something that you set for yourself. I would love to say for yourself right now and you M later. But ultimately, they are goals for you that could eventually play a role in your M.

So what are your goals? What would you like for you?

Keeping a roof and food for the kids and yourself is one. If you you have to go to court to do that (which it does sound like you do) then that is how you must go about it.

Having no idea what they MLCer is going to do is part of their script. They keep you on edge, maybe intentionally, but I think more because they don’t know what they are going to do from one minute to the next a lot of the time.

It is frustrating. It is scary. It is hard to deal with every day. As you get stronger and begin to realize that you can have a good life and stability for the kids (which you will realize as you simply do this), you will find that you are not so thrown when they do some of the things that they do.

[DiamondGirl]

What should my goals be with regards to interacting with WAH? I'm not sure how to talk with him.. because at some point I'll have to..

I get that I need to validate his feelings but do I call a spade a spade? When he goes off on how everything is my fault (according to SIL he still is) do I point out to him that having to work on custody docs is a result of his choices? Or do I just keep my mouth shut...

This is the area I'm not sure how to proceed on... When he's accusing me of things that I'm not responsible for, or that he's brought on himself, do I stand my ground or not? I don't want to make a misstep here..

Do I put off looking for "small signs" until he comes back to earth (if he ever does)?

Should I accept any requests to meet with him (though I don't think I can not be emotional right now)?

How does dealing with the MLCer differ from the DR process? Does Acting As if only apply once they are human again?

Just needing some clarification on the steps...(Sorry if I'm sounding clueless but I'm trying to wrap my head around the process to cement it in for the "rough days")

Thanks,

[trustingfaith]

This is the area I'm not sure how to proceed on... When he's accusing me of things that I'm not responsible for, or that he's brought on himself, do I stand my ground or not? I don't want to make a misstep here..

Try to just "validate" by saying something along the lines of "I'm sorry you feel that way." Leave it as short and sweet as you can.

Do I put off looking for "small signs" until he comes back to earth (if he ever does)?

Try to avoid this if you can - that is not detachment. Believe me, I know first hand. It is easy to get caught up in analyzing every little action or word and it serves no purpose other than keeping you wrapped up in the drama.

Now. Should I accept any requests to meet with him (though I don't think I can not be emotional right now)?

Not if you don't want to/can't. Make plans and GAL so you are not always available if he does ask. If you don't have specific plans and he asks, you can always say you have plans (even if it is just sitting at home reading a book) and leave it at that. He doesn't need to know your every move.

How does dealing with the MLCer differ from the DR process? Does Acting As if only apply once they are human again?

Now! Start acting "as if" you will be okay with out him and start taking care of you and living for you and eventually you will feel "as if" as well! Use this time to work on you and do things for you. Try not to worry about what he is doing and let him spin.

[DiamondGirl]

Thank you so much Trustingfaith for your response. It helped to have it in black and white (or pixellated rather)!

[DiamondGirl]

Update on the custody docs issue...

I sent an email to WAH stating that without his feedback/revisions I could not resolve the custody paperwork thing and asked him (again) if he preferred mediation instead of dealing with me directly.

I then called the person I'm meeting for subsidy review and told her that WAH is being uncooperative... She told me that an alternative that they occasionally offer for those in my sitch is for me to get a signed and notarized affidavit that I am the primary caregiver and outlining the visitation schedule and that I am getting no $$ from WAH and that will temporarily allow the subsidy to continue until Fall. A relief to me since I really didn't want to take him to court and be the one to spill the beans on his craziness...

I'm not telling him about the reprieve though since right after I talked to her I got an email from him stating he'd send his revisions to me tonight. I'm not holding my breath, but it would be interesting to see what his view of custody should be considering he barely spends the minimum with them now...

I know a big issue with him is that he wants the freedom to take the kids wherever he wants (even out of country) without my consent being required...

Stay tuned for more drama (I'm sure)...

[DiamondGirl]

WAH just sent me another email saying that I would "never have sole custody of his kids".. Gee.. I thought I was there for at least SOME of the pregnancy and birth... but I guess I missed the 9 months that he was carrying them alone... LOL

[DiamondGirl]

Need some advice please...

I'm not looking for legal advice, but more from a MLC DB perspective..

Now that I've been given a reprieve (of sorts) on a possible immediate custody court battle, I've started to think a little clearer about it...

I believe everything happens for a reason so I started to wonder what the reason for the "scare" was. It could be a reality flash for WAH, or more importantly, it could have been a "sign" to me that I need to get custody nailed down to prevent a future problem...?

Perhaps it indicates the path I must follow next...?

I think WAH would lose the court case because of his recent crazy acts (AWOL with no contact info to name one), angry behaviors and no-shows at appts, so they would likely give me sole custody w/access. (I'm seeing a lawyer on Monday for feedback about that) The loss would really upset him...

My question is this:

When the alien returns to earth do they see the acts that LBS had to take as protecting their family? Or do they see things like custody processes and separation agreements as us letting go at the time or consequences of their actions?

Could the action be part of WAH downward path to bottom? (I know it's subjective but I'm just looking for informed opinions)

Also, I've read on here that whatever we fear the most is likely the direction we need to take...

Any/all comments welcome on this as it is new territory...