Hard weekend. H was MIA with no explanation, as I said before. His computers broke down (his livelihood), his phone broke, he almost got in a car crash and his car got broken into. He has been trying hard to keep his cool, but lost it tonight. We had a spat and I told him he should go home. He was yelling and I was asking him to tell me why he was upset. It was going notwhere. He left and I took S to neighbors.
H called back immediately and talked to me. This is progress. Said he just couldn't keep it together with all the bad luck the past 78 hours and it wasn't my fault.
I kept myself from saying things would be better if he'd move home - we could afford to fix everything and we could help each other. Obviously this is not what H wants and thank god I'm DBing enough to not say anything.
I just listened and validated. I said some of my feelings. I told him that although I don't like it taken out on me, I worry about him when he isn't handling well.
It was progress that we could talk and listen to each other. I just wish so badly we could be together again and I could make everything all better. Yes, I'm working on my codependency issues, lol.
I'm sorry you guys had a fight, but him calling afterwards and saying he knew it wasn't your fault is very good! Not only that he recognized he was taking his rotten luck out on you, but he knew it right away too.
Don't read too much into his "secret" weekend away. He's still part rebellious teenager. He might have been tight lipped about it just because he could, not necessarily because he was doing anything "wrong". And if he was? Well, karma had her eye on him it sounds like!
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
Ok he lost it he can be forgiven for that we all have moments when we lose the plot. But yeah he realised straight away and phoned is fantastic, even teenagers take a few days for the penny to drop on their bad behaviour!
Small 2x4 its too early to think that being together will fix it, give him some more time, remember no pressure, keep working on ODP and start ODF we can swap notes as we go along lol!
Add that to your baby steps its a goodun, might be time for a count up of how many baby steps youve had over the last fortnight, its starting to look more positive and certainly you are turning into a new woman (())
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
H4L said: I kept myself from saying things would be better if he'd move home - we could afford to fix everything and we could help each other. Obviously this is not what H wants and thank god I'm DBing enough to not say anything
I struggle with this one too. The solution to some financial and other material problems that have been caused by our breakup are so blatantly obvious. In every way both of us are worse off because the choice was made not to go to MC this summer. With no end in sight! It's hard not to mention the obvious elephant in the room that separation and divorce have caused things to fall apart further. Congratulations on not saying so.
H is in MC with me H spends time with me before bed watching a show, relaxing. H stopped telling me I needed to be gone the nights he's here. H has started owning his side of things and apologizing H is staying way more calm with S and I We have been able to talk about our issues at times, hear each other, stay calm. H is not blowing up at me every time he is here. I am not calling him/texting him - waiting for him to, or keeping my messages very breif. I am calming myself down when I feel angry and like exploding at H. Calming my inner panic without need for H to do anything to make me feel better. Doing things to make me happy instead of trying to please or calm H down.
New 180's: Be more independent Not feel I have to fix H's anger Be more in control of my finances Be less available to H (busier when H is here) Continue to do things that make me happy instead of trying to avoid H's anger/criticism Stand up for myself more Leave when H is angry/hostile Work toward my dream of my own business Work on feeling ok about separation/divorce/MeTime Stay as calm as possible Be more gentle and forgiving of self Cook more Be more organized
Wooh. That's a tall order.
Any more ideas? LR, I scanned your old thread again last night. I'm so impressed at your early 180's and NC and it really worked. Even though H is around me a lot, I need more ideas on how to be less available to him. Without teasing that I may be out dating or anything - that would be too big of a button since I dated for a short time when H left and it made things worse. while we are in MC and on the fence, I need to stay comitted, without giving myself totally away.
rr22 - I think you and I both need to give H's more time to work out their anger and pain - it's not for us to fix. Yes, it is worse since they left, but we can't make them see that. They are "foggy". When they show signs of coming around, we can know they might be reasonable - until then, they need wide berths. Just remember our dear LR - she was dark for six or more weeks to give H time to feel his own stuff without putting it on her. And he came back around because she took care of herself without pressuring H for a thing. This is admirable and tough, but it actually is required if they are ever going to find their way out of the fog.
Crikey H4L thats quite a list bigger than I expected so you have been keeping some 180s secret squirrel lol!
Honestly you are so right on the nail about taking care of ourselves takes the pressure of our H's, I didnt realise how selfish (not intentionally) my behaviour must have been, all that pressure on him (even if he/we didnt realise it). For me my H bottled it and went MIA internally, for yours he let rip and gave you both barrels, which ever way round it was its so much nicer to have a conversation about things and support and validate each other. Also my panic ate into so much, it eroded my confidence in my own capabilites, today my mate thought he couldnt see my reversing lights on after getting my car back from garage, normally panic would have ensued and H would have been held responsible for fixing it, NO MORE, I got my girlfriend at work to go round and check all the lights were working and she also taught me something about antifreeze I didnt realise.. I came away feeling proud of myself but all the more as its one more worry to take off H's back! Girl Power thats what we need to reclaim lol!
H4L you need to a treat to celebrate that list you have done good girl be proud and hold your head high and wiggle those hips in a sexy manner
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Oh dear, that's my new list of 180s - the ones I am hoping to keep up! I have not done them by far...a while back we talked about setting up some new 180s - how about you now, Rabbit? Good thing to think about before WEdnesday I imagine...
Good for you with handling the car thing on your own. I need to do this myself - actually have a few times. Electronics and cars are the biggies - usually H has handled these and I hate to do it myself because it makes me think he's relieved to be rid of me but I can see now that it's important.
H bailed out of MC today - I let him off the hook, maybe I shouldn't as this was the week I had mustered up the courage to stand up for myself and sure enough H has a hard weekend and I let him off the hook. I just felt I want him to be in optimal listening condition and he's too busy and stressed right now.
So I saw the MC independantly - he used to be my IC - and he brought up how I should stand up for myself with H! I said that's exactly what I thought but now H is MIA - typical, eh?
He confirmed that H is very hurtful and I get so painfully hurt and don't say anything (until I blow which of course is not really communicating). I said I gave up years ago hoping H would hear my pain over his anger/meanness/criticisms. He dismisses me and is very cold toward me.
So I decided no matter how scared I am, I must stand up for myself and my S. MC appreciated how much listening and taking responsibility for my stuff I've done and said now it's my turn to be heard.
I don't think it's an accident (although it may be unconscious) that H is MIA this week right when I was going to speak up. It's a classic way he has of being dismissive and absent for me and my feelings. OOOOH, the hard stuff now....
that's an inspiring list of 180s and a good point about giving the Hs time to deal with their own anger. good luck with being heard in mc. it's hard to be heard when people are still angry. hopefully the mc can help. has your mc spoken any to you two about forgiveness?
Journalling more ... MC said how hurt I am by H. MC confirmed that H can be critical, dismissive, cold, mean. I cried when he validated my hurt. But there is a new layer of hurt, which rr22 was talking about. The hurt of being left. The hurt of feeling like H thinks I'm so awful he's better off away.
Besides the usual hurtful stuff that brought us to a broken M, how do you people deal with this pain? Tonight I did well with my 180s while recognizing how hard it is to stick to them when hurting.
H borrowed my car tonight to go to a game (nerdy d&d role playing type stuff) because of his broken window from the break-in. When he came back to get his car, S and I were almost asleep (we sleep in same room when H is not here). H came in and said his usual critique, but in a kind tone so I let it go "Why are you two still awake? It's past his bedtime. You're overdue for an oilchange." Ok, he wasn't mean so the hurt was minimal from that.
But the hurt is that he is all hugs and kisses for S (for which I am grateful!!!!) while ignoring me. It also hurts every time he leaves and doesn't stay as if he is so happy to. I keep wondering when is the day that he will want to stay just to be with us - or me?
I usually don't even realize how hurt I am when he comes and goes. My 180 was I didn't jump up to talk to him, to engage him, to hug him, etc. I just lay with my eyes closed and when he mentioned wanting to talk to me I said I'd rather do it tomorrow because I'm tired. I stayed quiet while he left.
I'm proud I was non-pursuing and yet how do you all do it when it's so hurtful that they are just fine being gone? How do you deal with the rejection?
I'm trying to PMA - "hey this is just the situation for now and it's possible he'll return someday." It's possible too that he has mixed feelings about being gone even if he doesn't express them. I'll never know if he wants to come back on his own unless I can be more independent like this etc - but how can I deal with the coldness? It's so sad. How can I be at peace with this and not so in pain?
