Ring On or Ring Off????

[kjensen]

Hi TCBTE,
I too, do not want to be divorced, yet that is what is happening in my situation...so as J3B says..I lawyered up. I met with two local lawyers and hated one and liked the other. So far, so good.

I would ask any friends, or friends of friends you know that have been divorced where you live, if they have any recommendations or lawyers they wouldn't use! Your C's list is a great place to start. I would visit a few before deciding.

My H always said he didn't want our stuff..he didn't want to be supported by me financially..and here we are in the beginning of the divorce process and his lawyer has made it clear that is exactly what my H wants...

So. Get the best lawyer who fits with your ideals, who has no 'dings' against him or her on the state bar association(usually you can find it on-line), who has a good reputation...

You can ask if the lawyer has a lot of court experience..if most of their divorce cases are settled out of court...whatever questions you have..what your chances are for custody, alimony...whatever you want to know...

You don't have to file first. But knowing who you might want to represent you, should you need to respond to a divorce petition, might alleviate the stress and let you know where you stand..

Hang in there. Its just no fun, no way about it! But you can get through this with flying colors!

[Cadet]

I would definitely make him do the work. I think he wants you to get the lawyer so it out of his hands. Jack as usual is right.

[Upside]

(((di)))
I am sorry that your H has requested that you get a lawyer. I know how much that has to hurt. Your H is still running from his pain and it is just unfortuante that he is confused about the source of that pain. As much as you hate to, do as he requests and get an attorney. I know it isn't what you want and it is a such a waste however, it may be what your H needs to see that it isn't your M that is causing his pain.

I agree, let your H do all the work for the D. You just need to protect yourself.

Get some referals and interview several attorneys. Find one that you feel comfortable with. I know there aren't very many decent family law attorneys out there...after all, what kind of a person could feel good about doing that job!

[ddstartingover]

I will get the lawyer. He now wants an "agreed to" divorce. No need for a mediator he says. From what I've read it's a process in which he will not have to do much at all, assuming he doesn't have a problem with what is drawn up. What work is there for him to do? That's what I don't understand. If I get the lawyer to protect me----to identify what I should get, etc. and get that in writing. I am doing all the work----he then just has to sign off on it??

I don't know. I'm in the process of assembling all of the documents that the lawyer I talked to several months ago said she needs to evaluate my situation, and will go from there. I wasn't all that crazy about her all business like attitude, but I'm sure I won't like anyone else either. My C gave me 3 to choose from and this was the only one that would work.

Many emotional emails sent over the weekend. My last from him: "I'll call a psychologist to see why I'ms so f**&^% up. You call a lawyer." I followed that with several more that were not replied to. In one I told him he should take his ring off --- because it obviously hasn't meant anything to him for a long time. He dropped off kids last night and yes, it is off.

[ddstartingover]

So - here I am at work staring at my empty ring finger. 23 years on that finger. There's quite a dent. How long does it take to go away?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Many emotional emails sent over the weekend. My last from him: "I'll call a psychologist to see why I'ms so f**&^% up. You call a lawyer." I followed that with several more that were not replied to. In one I told him he should take his ring off --- because it obviously hasn't meant anything to him for a long time. He dropped off kids last night and yes, it is off.

You should...uh...stop sending the emotional emails.
How are those working out for you? Does it feel good to say those things? Do you think he is going to wake up by something you say?

See deep down, you say something like: "you should take your ring off --- because it obviously hasn't meant anything to you for a long time."

You're hoping that he is going to argue with you, and tell you no, no it actually DOES mean something to him...

Instead you get this:

He dropped off kids last night and yes, it is off.

Its ironic, you told him to take it off and it is off.
That ironic him doing things you tell him to do crap only works against you, by the way.

So - here I am at work staring at my empty ring finger. 23 years on that finger. There's quite a dent. How long does it take to go away?

If you don't your ring off, then don't take it off.

As for your lawyer, here is the funny part of it. A Lawyer works at your pace. You don't to start the paper work, then you don't...understand? I do not think you do.

You're dancing to the tune other set in front of you. YOU set the pace and fukc anyone who tells you otherwise.

He wants the divorce, then he does the work, you have a lawyer to make sure your interests are served and have her look at he paperwork HE files, not her, not you.

Stop dancing to his tune, make your own music, have HIM dance to it.

[ddstartingover]

I know I should stop with the emails, but I'm sorry I'm hurt all over again and any very minute step forward I made with my DBing efforts has been lost upon receipt of his email last Thursday. I know I'm not going to change his mind. I know I'm not going to reach him. I know we don't speak the same language.

Yes, I shouldn't have told him to take his ring off---but I did and I expected it to be off----still hurts all the same. I didn't expect him to argue with me about it meaning something----I'm still just hoping for something from him that will help me understand. I know, hoping for this is futile. Tell my heart that what my brain already knows.

I know he wants me to start this. I know he doesn't want to initiate----he thinks by being agreeable I will be happy. I also know that he is a personal injury lawyer----not a family law attorney. He can't write a divorce contract and doesn't want to hire someone to do it---that way he would have to admit to someone what he's done/doing.

I've dragged my feet for so long. Pushing for more time. He continues to say that we need to do this the right way for the kids and in a way to keep them out of this process. I just fear that if I don't act now----if I don't initiate the process somehow my kids will suffer. I don't know how or why, but then maybe I still don't understand the process.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I know I should stop with the emails, but

If you know

Then there should be no but

[ddstartingover]

You are right.................I am such a VERY slow learner. I think J3B you were the first person that responded to my very first post over 2 years ago. I am the worst student --- and have failed in so many ways.

Lots to think about and read about as regard to this legal process.

For the record, this was my e-mail from H last Thursday:

I'm sorry to do this while you have the kids. I wanted to say this while I had them so that it wouldn't interrupt your time with them and I didn't get it done. I'm sorry for not doing this in person, but in the past, that has produced so much unnecessary drama for the kids that I write you now in the hope it will be productive.

Several months ago, on the porch, with Emily and K on the couch in the living room, you said that if there's anything I want you to do with respect to us, I needed to tell you what that was. I want you to hire one of the lawyers recommended to you by Terri to help us with the necessary legal things that will end our marriage. There is no current need to designate one of them as our mediator. Mediators are who you hire when you can't agree. I doubt very strongly that a mediator will be necessary. So, one of those lawyers, held in high regard by Terri, should be hired by you to see if we can agree to the terms of our divorce. I believe that we will agree, without the need for a "mediator." I think I can manage things on my end, minimizing the cost of this process. If I'm wrong, and we disagree on some important topic, that will leave two other suggestions from Terri to pick as a mediator. If I'm right, we can work through all the issues, file an "agreed to" divorce and there will be virtually no court involvement in this process. If we need a mediator, we can work with one suggested by Terri and resolve any issues that we're unable to work through on our own.

Please select one of the suggested lawyers from Terri and ask them to contact me. If none of the three lawyers are appropriate to deal with a Missouri divorce (which is possible since Terri deals primarily with Kansas divorces), please ask Terri for some more suggestions. You need a lawyer. A good lawyer. But you don't need someone who treats this as a battle to the death or as a way to pay for his yacht, outside investments, or summer home. Surely, Terri has some suggestions that fit this bill. I'm 100% sure that we can work through the necessary issues so that the court will be irrelevant to this process and, most importantly, to our kids.

dgs

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I was.

and have failed in so many ways.

That is your perception. If you truely feel that way, then stop failing.
More importantly...stop effacing yourself. Become confident in your actions.

That is a pretty...email.

Did you post it here looking for insight on ways to respond to it?