I know that there were times over this last couple years that I would pull out photographs too - and I usually did that when I was already feeling kind of down...and it just made the pain all that more intense. Sometimes it felt like I was just so sad already that I might as well take it a step further - and so I would look at the photos...and get seduced into the idea that all was well back then because we were smiling together or traveling together or sharing a moment over the holidays....and I just had to remind myself eventually that we don't pull out the cameras as often to take pictures of the darker moments - the moments that brought us to where we are...and so, the photos don't tell the whole story - rather they capture moments of the hopes and dreams we had - and sometimes the toughest part of this process is learning to let go of those hopes and dreams and allowing new ones to grow.
Which is not to say that everything from the past is gone - only that we can't move forward very well if anchored too much to the glimmering moments of a dark past...sometimes we just have to embrace those memories as memories and then put our attention on what's ahead - on making new memories that will be just as valuable.
Anyway...I just know what you mean...looking at pictures can be so haunting and confusing...I did it far too much when I was trying to look for answers and trying to understand how my W's smile could have morphed into my STBX's constant anger...but the answer was never in the photos...Recently she asked me for a bunch of photos I had stored on my computer - while burning them to disk I had a chance to look at them again - and I had the same pinch of confusion...but I also realized that I was a different person looking at these photos now - and that I was able to see the happiness then for what it was - but did not feel the same frightened impulse to cling to it...I don't know how it is for you - but just wanted to share with you that you're not alone in going through that kind of pain and sadness...and sometimes I think we do it when we're most ready to do it...since the tears that might come do in some ways cleanse us a bit.
Oh...btw...I got the idea of "wasted energy" from Coach...he pointed it out to me at a vital time that made a tremendous difference in my life.
