#2: WAH separated from us & I'm on the DBing path

[flowmom]

This is my second sitch thread...my first sitch thread is here.

Here's a summary of my sitch and I've added more background on our history:

now:
Me: 41 | WAH: 40
together: 17 years | married: 9 years
two children who mean the world to us: S: 6 (behaviour challenges, homeschooling) | D: 3.5
H: depression/MLC (no evidence of A yet but looks like he's heading that way)

history:
1992: one of H's brothers died
1992: started R (long distance/non-monogamous by H's choice)
1994: started being monogamous and living in same city
1995: another one of H's brothers died
1995: moved in together
1996-98: I was depressed on and off
1998: H had brief A which I discovered and he ended
1999: H proposed (with no pressure from me)
2000: we married
2003: first baby (high needs)
2004: H's depression started, and distance increased in marriage...we both struggled to cope with work and parenting
2006: second baby
Dec 2008-May 2009: first and only MC (ending in impasse because H not shifting)
summer 2009: mixed signals...some positive (some physical intimacy, a date together), some negative (more workaholism, more distant)
fall 2009: H more distant and more problems with anger management (even with children)
Dec 11, 2009: got an occupational therapy assessment about our son...it started to really sink in that he has special needs
Dec 22, 2009: bomb (H revealed that he was in crisis regarding our marriage but didn't have a solution)
Dec 28, 09: H first mentioned the idea of a trial separation
Jan 3, 2010: separation (H moved out for a "trial" separation)
Jan 12, 2010: I started DBing after reading DR and getting a coaching session

rough stuff going on:

• high needs child (S) has stressed our family a lot
• H is depressed (for years?) and hasn't had any treatment, stopped having friends, always grumpy
• seems like H has some MLC issues -- I've made changes but nothing satisfies H (now he's posting on the walls of girls who are 20 years younger in FB)
• lots of financial stress, big debt in short term because of H's business plan that bombed in the fall of 2009
• H has a business and also doing shift work
• I'm a stay at home mom, I have a professional career that's been on hold to be there for my children

What H has been saying lately:

Soon after moving out H said "the spark is gone", "I bear you no ill will", "I have no motivation to work on our marriage", "if you were going to change, why didn't you 4 years ago, 3 years ago, 2 years ago, or 1 year ago?". He blames all of his unhappiness on our marriage problems, which I don't believe is realistic. Last time I asked him if another woman was involved, he said "I wish". He's basically "done" but he's leaving the door open for himself to change his mind. In the 13 days since I started DBing, we haven't had any R or D talks (H just mentioned D once and I didn't react).

me right now:

• avoiding all R & D talk
• seeing H constantly due to coparenting
• trying to stay pleasant and cheerful but not pursuing
• babystepping towards GAL
• trying to work on my thinking so I don't go insane
• doing everything I can to make this easier on my children
• avoiding all legal stuff
• gradually recovering from pneumonia, which started over a month ago before this crisis started