Not Me Ever...part 3

[Gardener]

Serenity,
Guilt is an appropriate emotion in response to things we did wrong that were in our control and therefore our fault
Shame is an inappropriate emotion in response to things that went wrong that were not in our control or our fault.

Review your list. Forgive the guilt (no, you already did that at the altar) and disown and discard the shame; it's toxic.
Scroll down further on this quote and you will see my suggestions for you email to H.

About 9am on Sunday (1 hour before Church) my Mom received a text message from my oldest son, asking her to tell me that his Father and him would be at the house around 11ish to pick up the little one and would then drop him off around 2ish (in reality he kept him for less then 2 hours)...

Little one heard my Mom repeat the message to me so at that point I couldn't deny him going, though I was pissed at the last minute deal and beyond pissed that it came from my son and not my H...

I went ahead to Church and basically was in my own little world and I realized something - I was in all actuality happy however guilt was masking it.S
I feel guilty for feeling happy.S
I feel guilty when an hour goes by and I don't think about the sitchS.
I feel guilty because had my eyes opened earlier, I may have been able to head off the trouble with my oldest son, instead I was so wrapped up in my own pain and feelings, I didn't see him crying out for help.G
I feel guilty for trying to plan a future and not including my H in it.G or S
I feel guilty for allowing my beliefs to be changed and then actually accepting the new changes and being joyful with whatever the outcome may be.S
I feel guilty for actually thinking something/someone out there may be better for me and my boys and it isn't the man/marriage I am fighting for.S perfectly natural in your sitch, imo.
I feel guilty that my boys are getting the short end of the stick where their Dad is concerned.S
I feel guilty for actually sticking around for almost a year thinking that I was still good enough for him when in reality, he is no longer good enough for me.S You were doing the right thing for your M & Family in your eyes

So I took the guilt to the altar and left it there as well.

Today I composed an email to H letting him know I wasn't happy with the way he is handling this - I haven't sent it yet so any input is appreciated.
H,
As I have stated before, I will not keep little one from you however I will not allow older S and my Mom to be the middle-man between you and I.

It pains me to see that you can't handle this as an adult You continually demonstrate that you can't handle this maturely. However S is 14 years old and it is inappropriate for you to have him contact me concerning your visitation plans.

If you want to see him and just can't bring yourself to tell me over the phone, then send me an email.
All visitation plans with little one are to be communicated directly to me - father to mother - either by phone, email or text or I will disregard them completely. In addition, I insist upon a minimum of (x hours, 1 day, night before) notice with such requests or, again, I will disregard them. All Sunday visits are to begin at 2:00 pm or later due to church.