A Choice

[flowmom]

I want my W to be happy.

But that's out of your control, of course.

She has damaged me.

Are you feeling like a victim in this situation? I can understand that you must be in enormous pain, but seeing yourself as a victim will only make you feel worse.

I can not longer be that person for her.

And it's a mistake to be a certain kind of person for one's spouse or anyone else. Yet sometimes we wake up and realize that we've been trying to.

What started off as wrong, followed by pain... turned into a game... forcing a harsh reality or awakening...

The "game" part of it disturbs me. It takes two to play a game. Was DBing part of how you participated in the game?

Sometimes when I read in people's threads it sounds like there is game-playing and a lack of authenticity. And that makes sense because sometimes we have to keep our cards close to our chest and not wear our hearts on our sleeves. But there must be a line where DBing crosses into game-playing and I'm curious to know where that line is.

Neither of us is in a good spot right now. I hate doing this too my W. It actually makes me sick to my stomach. I hate to see her unhappy...

I think you need to figure out what you are "doing" to her. If you have been a doormat in the past and you're now acting authentically in accordance with your own values, then you are not "doing" anything to her and her unhappiness is not your responsibility. OTOH, if you are involved in power dynamics and game playing with her, then you are probably not acting authentically in accordance with your own values. And you can choose to stop doing that, for own benefit, because it doesn't feel good to hurt people unnecessarily.

Sorry if I'm making assumptions or off base here. I'm new to DBing and chiming in on other people's situations helps me to wrap my head around DBing and what it looks like in real life.