Not Me Ever...part 3

[Serenity13]

(((Kara))) (((Gardener)))

Thank you both for checking in on me, I am doing well.


Journal~ Long (Go figure lol)

Not much change in the sitch though some change in me...

The weekend was pretty quiet, work Saturday, Church and football on Sunday...

About 9am on Sunday (1 hour before Church) my Mom received a text message from my oldest son, asking her to tell me that his Father and him would be at the house around 11ish to pick up the little one and would then drop him off around 2ish (in reality he kept him for less then 2 hours)...

Little one heard my Mom repeat the message to me so at that point I couldn't deny him going, though I was pissed at the last minute deal and beyond pissed that it came from my son and not my H...

I went ahead to Church and basically was in my own little world and I realized something - I was in all actuality happy however guilt was masking it.

I feel guilty for feeling happy.

I feel guilty when an hour goes by and I don't think about the sitch.

I feel guilty because had my eyes opened earlier, I may have been able to head off the trouble with my oldest son, instead I was so wrapped up in my own pain and feelings, I didn't see him crying out for help.

I feel guilty for trying to plan a future and not including my H in it.

I feel guilty for allowing my beliefs to be changed and then actually accepting the new changes and being joyful with whatever the outcome may be.

I feel guilty for actually thinking something/someone out there may be better for me and my boys and it isn't the man/marriage I am fighting for.

I feel guilty that my boys are getting the short end of the stick where their Dad is concerned.

I feel guilty for actually sticking around for almost a year thinking that I was still good enough for him when in reality, he is no longer good enough for me.

So I took the guilt to the altar and left it there as well.

Today I composed an email to H letting him know I wasn't happy with the way he is handling this - I haven't sent it yet so any input is appreciated.


H,
As I have stated before, I will not keep little one from you however I will not allow older S to be the middle-man between you and I.

It pains me to see that you can't handle this as an adult however S is 14 years old and doesn't need to be contacting me concerning you seeing little one.

If you want to see him and just can't bring yourself to tell me over the phone, then send me an email.

I would appreciate more then an hours notice next time you want to pick him up.

From now on if you pick him up on Sundays, please plan to do it after 2pm because he is in Church with me.

No longer will I respond to older S when he asks if little one is doing ok, how school is going, if he is feeling better etc.

I find it very unfair to older S that you are putting him in the middle of all of our conversations and from this day forward, it ceases.

This is what you wanted so at least be man enough to ask yourself.

S