It took about 30 minutes...granted I was staring at a damn picture of a lake and mountain and the clue was reaching out and smacking me in my face.....
I can hear your australian accent through your post... kind of cool.
This is hilarious. What accent??
I was down south at home over Christmas, which is our long summer break, I'd been at mum and dads for about a week, when mum sat me down and told me I've been in the Northern Territory too long, my elocution was appalling and she hadn't put me through school to hear me refer to a "significant group" as "biggest mob"!!!! The poor thing. She was so upset. Obviously I do have an Australian accent, but I think it's even stronger at the moment because I spend so much time speaking Kriol (pidgin English) with Indigenous people.
When I first came here, I called myself Walkingback - because I was a walkaway wife come-to-my-senses. You're right though, when I changed it to Walking there was an element of going walkabout I wanted to capture!!
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I did not bring up the D to manipulate her or shake her up or gain control of the situation. I am/was approaching the point your husband did. I guess I need to resolve myself to some sort of a path... sortof the sawshank get busy livin or get busy dyin thing.
I understand what your getting at here and I totally support it. I just caution you that we kid ourselves that once we make the decision to move on it'll all get better. Moving on is a journey in and of itself - and it's not necessarily a comfortable one.
Perhaps the best advice I can give you in relation to moving forward with your life is that you can do that regardless of standing for your marriage or not.
Sort out the things that are currently important to you - ignoring for the time being your relationship with your wife because that is largely out of your control. You can get busy living for those things that are in your control (your kids, your job, your friends and family, your interests, your hobbies etc etc)leaving the door ajar to a reconciliation with your wife when and if that happens.
Have you seen that Jennifer Aniston movie "The Breakup"? It's a good analogy for how a relationship ends, and how in our world of decisions and actions NOW often events overtake each other so that you back yourself into a corner. You don't need to back yourself into a corner by progressing a divorce. You can get busy living without regard to the relationship with your wife because that is only one part of your life when you really think about it.
I had a therapist who proposed a theory to me that I really like and try to live by. He says we need to consider our life as a square, made up of 9 squares (3x3). Those boxes are (in no particular order) 1. You 2. parnter 3. kids 4. parents/siblings 5. job 6. friends 7. hobbies 8. extended family 9. community service
we need to invest in each of those boxes in order to have a fulfilled life. I like it because it puts stuff in perspective - so what if your job is crap - you've still got another 8 boxes to keep you going. So what if your having problems in the partner box .... etc
I hope you had a good weekend and life is looking a little brighter for you.
Cheers, V
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
so, warning: I'm not doing a good job of GAL or DBing... for what it is worth. I know that. and perhaps that is at least a start.
Hi Jack- thanks for checking on me.
And Virginia... its funny. You really have a real bead on my inner psyche.. it seems like things rattle around in my brain for a while and then I read your posts and its like you have been reading my thoughts... wierd.
I really like your 3 by 3 thing. I am going to put some more thought into that. Actually I'm going to see how many boxes I can check every day for a while. Surgery residents are taught to make boxes and then check them off, so I'm hardwired that way. It will be a great thing for me to work on those 8 things. Thank you for that.
The weekend was really really tough. I went up, got boys, drove back here. Had bad talk with W on phone that night. She came down the next day and tension was high.
What was just killing me all weekend was this: here we were, a family, hanging out on the weekend, playing wii, watching football, all of that. but it wasn't real. and it was only a reminder of how I worked so hard all these years for them, for THAT-- and now that dream is all but gone. Yes, I was doing it for me too... but really for the team, moreso.
What is hard is the rollercoaster. The conversations where she opens up and makes me think she is wanting to reconnect... but its not real.
so last night I told her I can't do these types of weekends any more where we pretend to be a family... one of us sleeping with one kid or the other. I cannot focus on having a nice time with the boys because here is the woman who I was looking forward to spending the rest of my life with and we are functioning as brother and sister, essentially and its killing me that I cannot touch her, kiss her... hell I get jealous of my 6 year old son because he is always giving her back rubs and loving on her (we joked that we should call him Oeddie... as in short for Oedipus)
what is so hard for me is I feel like I never got a real chance to really enjoy being married to her. That statment, I realize, is a big part of the problem. I put her on hold, thinking, when I'm done, then we will be able to really be husband and wife... obviously that plan didn't work out all that well. we had no money and I was in the hospital for 9 years. now I have a salary, time, and ME to give to her and it seems to be too little too late. tough not to think of the death of the dream... yes I know we all have dreams die but this fall has been fairly precipitous and from up on high. SPLAT.
she stayed in town today so boys could go to the dentist here. Left and I have to say I was so happy to see her go. Just too hard having her around. Very sorry to see the boys go but again I was relieved for her to go.
So enough of the pity party. I did an operation this morning that went pretty well. I called a friend from college who lives in Jackson Hole and I'm thinking of heading out there in two weeks for a week of skiing and sanity gathering. It was really great to talk to a real friend like that...
W called me 8 times tonight when I was in the hospital. I'm not sure what that represents-- this often happens when she leaves me for the weekend. Then called to say that she really appreciated how peaceful I was today. I'd call it more or less just cooked, shattered and broken... I guess that you can be peaceful like that.
V you are totally right. I can go about my business and not go for the D. Right now W wanted for us to meet with the MC next week... I'm not sure if that is because she wants to see if there is anyone on gods green earth besides me that thinks it would be important to try and figure out a way for us to get back to each other... for the big picture and those precious 6 year old boys... or just to get the Passport stamp of approval that says, "yea. you are right. its toast". not sure.
but I do think it will be a good mental excercise for me to see if I can start to get myself back a little bit here over the next two weeks.
found the model airplane field this weekend w the boys but nobody was out there.
so, warning: I'm not doing a good job of GAL or DBing... for what it is worth. I know that. and perhaps that is at least a start.
We all start somewhere. This is good.
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tough not to think of the death of the dream... yes I know we all have dreams die but this fall has been fairly precipitous and from up on high. SPLAT.
The old M is gone. But that does not mean a new M cannot rise from the ashes. Like the Phoenix. Work, time, and patience and no one can predict what is possible.
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but I do think it will be a good mental excercise for me to see if I can start to get myself back a little bit here over the next two weeks.
This is exactly how to begin, but I will caution you about setting time frames. This all takes time to process. But you sound like you may be on the right track.
Finally, FB Brad, are you there yet?
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Somehow I don't think so but Brad/Elwood prove me wrong. Make up a fake FB page is fine. It is another way some of us can communicate. No one else has to know that its you.
Some of us know a FriendlyOne (now FriendlyOneDuh )in Jackson Hole who spent her time here, survived, and helped many of us through tough times. Doesn't ski - ankle thing. But an absolutely amazing person who provides great insight and always requires people to be upbeat and positive. If you aren't, you get that way just being around her. If you and your friend ran into her while in town you'd all have a blast and a lesson or two in GAL.
Not a fixup - cuz you are M and need to stay that way. A GAL lesson on picking paint colors with stories about creatures in Jackson that lick the side of your house, the best places in town to belly dance, contractors you see outside your window, and cautionary tales of tequila to name a few. Did I mention, a way smart real estate and property developing cookie?
