Yes she did go outside her comfort zone. Yes she was properly thanked by me, my father and his wife. I think your other ideas are good and I will try to accomplish some of them. Thank you for your words of wisdom. I don't know if she is really in MLC or not. I know she has childhood issues and issues with her parents. I do not believe they are as bad as others I have seen on these boards. I agree that if she really wanted a D I would have gotten the papers already. I never thought her crisis was a CAT 5(like a hurricane) more like a CAT 1 or 2.
Yes her depression is very real and I am sure I have some blame in that I at first pointed it out to her. She of course didn't want to hear it. Maybe she still doesn't. I will not pursue that anymore. I can only hope and pray that she is ready to do some work and that she is willing to let me be by her side to support her.
And now the fall. Returned from C. It did not go well I tried to keep the conversation off relationship but between my W, the MC, and myself it was impossible. I was trying to find something that we could build on but there was no ground for that. So then the MC moved the conversation to us getting divorced and we discussed that and at the end of the session my wife apologized to me. I apologized to her and it sounds like the next stop for her is to see her L on Thursday to roll her employment litigation and divorce into one thing.
It is sad but I am at peace with it. It is almost like I am watching a movie and some of these scene's I would laugh at if they weren't so real.
What the heck? Why did the "C" move to the topic of divorce? That was way too easy and quick to jump to. Couples have to work at getting to a place where they can communicate. This is exactly why I do not encourage people to put much faith in "Cs" when they are suffering a crisis.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The C moved the topic to D after about 45 mins of back and forth talk about $$$$$. It was not going well and I think she felt that my W has to deal with the realities of the next step. I disagree with the tactics but I am kind of stuck. I will go back to NC again and wait to see if my W can really carry through with this line. IMHO she can't. She is stuck. I think she knows that D is not the right thing but she is in too much turmoil to admit to anything else.
In retrospect this was more like a touch and go than anything else. She has run back into the tunnel.
Reading what I just wrote we are both stuck! That is exactly what came out in C.
What a roller coaster. I can imagine that if your W is feeling really low and vulnerable and the C is nudging her towards divorce, that would have a huge impact in her current state of mind. Meanwhile her actions don't seem consistent with someone who wants a D. She probably really wants and needs your love and support, yet she has boxed herself into a corner? It's amazing how messy relationships get. It's so hard to live in the moment.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
OP Really sorry to hear she did not take this opportunity to demonstrate that "openness and mutual respect" she talked about. But if she doesn't show a MC any sign of wanting to work on the M, they won't usually waste time on it; and agree with the WAS that is probably is time to D.
Not to take free shots at her, but it doesn't sound like she knows long term what she wants from life, despite her note about "an active plan for the future" or "the challenging things going on and the need to change". Hindsight is me having my head up my - - - for thinking she wanted to work at anything, and not presuming her note to be total alien speak. She's good.
Seems the extent of her plans for the future are litigate her employer and punish you - $$$$$.
Focus on yourself, NC looks like a good place to be. You aren't new to this, she just slipped a big old curve ball right over the plate. Back to your basics. If contact happens, agree to nothing, even if you smile and validate that you "hear what she is saying" or "understand her concerns". Agree to nothing you don't actively agree with. Think Potato. Makes as much sense as trying to reason with her.
But this can really eat you up from the inside out so please focus on taking care of yourself. See your IC as needed to stay grounded, and work on you. Don't let anyone take You away from you.
I was not really surprised by todays session and that was part of my hesitation to agree to it. It was still my decision to give it another shot. I didn't see anything in these letters that convinced me otherwise however I guess I did get swayed by the consensus here. I spoke to the C after the session and we will continue the discussion with just me and IC on Tuesday. I am still not convinced that she wants the D but yes she has boxed herself into something that has no other way out.
Yes she is good! LOL. Her depression is still quite present and the C even brought that up again today. Kinda of just telling her that her judgement is clouded by the depression. My W has been on this site and know that I think she is in a MLC, which of course she denies. I told her that she is in some sort of crisis and she basically agreed but she does not want to do anything about it.
The only thing that I observe this time is that she is much more reserved. Very little yelling or anger. Trying to figure out where she is in her crisis is a waste of time.
Thanks for checking in with me and your commentary on my W letter was appreciated.
