38 years & I need physical connection with my wife

[Young at Heart]

I guess this is becoming my blog. Life seems to be a roller coaster.

This past weekend, my wife and I took off a did some winery visiting and wine tasting and stayed in a hotel away from home. It was fun to get away......until the reality set in.

Just before we left I asked my wife if she wanted to look at the Sinclair Institute video we were given as an assignment, as I wanted to take it with us to watch. She is the only one who knows where it is. She said that she would not watch it and that we were not taking it with us. I didn't push it as I wanted to have a good time.

The first night, I asked if she had read the material given to us by our therapist on sensate focus exercises as we hadn't yet done thee exercises and I thought that this might be a good time to start them. My wife said she hadn't read the materials from our last therapy session (January 16th)and yet our next therapy session is coming up on January 27th. I asked is she wanted to do the sensate focus exercises, if I explained them to her. She cautiously asked me to explain them.

I explained the purpose of the exercises and that the ones we had been given were divided into a three-week setting with the first week starting with the touching of the face, lips, and head, then later in the first week touching of the body excluding the breast and genitals. The second week was to do the exercises from the first week, but add touching of the breasts and genital without coming to climax or intercouse. The third week was to do everything in the first two weeks, but add mutual manual stimulation to climax and when ready add intercourse.

My wife immediately said that she was not going to commit to anything that required intercourse within three weeks. I told her that I was not going to force her to do anythig she was not willing to do.

I then said that I would like to do the exercise we had been given which is just the touching of the head, lips and face. The first step is to take our clothes off and then taking turns focusing on touching and being touched. She flipped out and said that there was no way she was taking her clothes off in front of me!

So much for the exercises on Saturday night. Saturday night, after a while with her fully clothed, in her flannel sleep pants and shirt, we held each other. Sunday morning I gave my wife a 40 minute foot massage. When it was over, she jumped out of bed and took a shower and got dressed. I was just sitting there in my underwear wondering what the hell had just happened. Not even a thank you. During the massage I had requested and gotten feedback as to higher on the foot, to the left or right and more or less pressure, but when she realized it was over.....she was gone.

Last night (Sunday) I reminded her that back in late October, we had talked about my needing to be touched and she had told me that the reason she won't touch me is that it always leads to sex. At the time, I did a 180, and told her that I would not under any circumstance have sex with her for 2 months until the first of January so that she could explore touching me with no fear of sex. Well the first of January came and went. She has touched me, but only in the most non-sexual of ways.....putting her feet under my knee or legs when we go to bed; reaching out and putting a hand on my arm and occasionally a hug that doesn't involve any squeezing or body movement. I reminded her the my promise of no sex ended on January 1st and told her that I had asked her on January 2nd for us to talk about my promise to her expiring and what she felt we should do next. No discussion happened. I again told her on January 12th that I would like to talk to her about my promise of no sex for two months expiring. That was a few days before our first therapy session (January 16th). Last night (January 24th)I asked if we could talk about what we should do now that my promise of no sex had expired.

Well that was just too much for her. She hit the roof and told me I just didn't seem to understand how hard this was on her. Didn't I realize that was what we were doing in the therapy sessions? I said, I didn't as, I was answering and responding to the therapist's questions. I said that I now that I understand her perspective I will bring things up at the therapy session rather that are important to me rather than waiting for them to be raised by the therapist. Then the crying really started and she tried to make me feel like she was a victim.

What an emotional roller coaster! After the first therapy session, I felt like there was hope and we were making progress. Now, after I realize that my wife is not doing any of the exercises suggested by the therapist, I feel there is little hope. I now feel like if I try to remind her of the exercises we are given, I am the "bad guy."

I now intend to bring up two issues during our next therapy session: (1) If my wife doesn't initiate doing the exercises we are given, what should I do? Should I try to initiate the exercises and be rejected by my wife, or should I just withdraw and wait for the therapist to handle this? and (2) Should there be any initiation on my part of stating my physical needs and feeling outside of a therapy session or asking my wife about her plans toward integrating sex back within our relationship?

My mantra for the moment:

This is a marathon and not a sprint! I love my wife and want our marriage to work. I need to back off and let the therapist set the pace of what we do. I need to be supportive of my wife's changes and attempts at change; and do things for her that make her feel loved in her languages of love. I need to tell her I appreciate her acts of love she shows me, even if they are not in my languages of love. I need to focus on her actions and not her words.

This is a marathon and not a sprint! I love my wife and want our marriage to work. I need to back off and let the therapist set the pace of what we do. I need to be supportive of my wife's changes and attempts at change; and do things for her that make her feel loved in her languages of love. I need to tell her I appreciate her acts of love she shows me, even if they are not in my languages of love. I need to focus on her actions and not her words...........