I'm doing fine I had a nice relaxing weekend. W and I talked on Sunday morning as you can read below but it was civil and informative of what she is kind of thinking. She is teetering back and forth mixed feelings I understand that. Not much I can do about where I am or where all this is headed at the moment.
How was your weekend? Did you get that storm last night. Windy as he11 and we lost power this morning which sucks.
On Sunday I asked my W if she had thought about the trial separation and she said a little. She asked me if I had and I said that I had thought a lot about it and looked up stuff on the internet. She said that she had looked up a little too.
She asked me what I had found. I told her that I read articles on setting up agreements on who should move out, how long the separation should last before a decision is made to allow each person time to decide what they want.
She said that she looked up articles on the best way to tell the kids. She asked if I had thought about the pros and cons of doing this and I said that I had but I did not write them down. I told her that we should both do that.
She seemed to be very apprehensive to have this conversation but I persisted. I told her that I do not want to live this way for the rest of my life and she agreed. I told her that I was happy with myself but she does not seem to know what she wants or what will make her happy. I said that I want both of us to be happy either together of separate. She agreed.
She said that this would be so much easier if we did not like each other. (I feel it is easier because we get along well otherwise we would be fighting about every little thing and we would not be able to do this like mature adults.) I told her I felt that we had grown much closer in the last year but you are very reluctant or unable to get over all that has happened between us in the past. I told her that I think being this close could be preventing us from figuring out what each of us wants.
I suggested to her that she really needs to go talk to a professional and to be open and honest about how you feel. She said that she is an honest person. (yes, I let that one slide no sense in arguing over a difference of opinions on whether she was honest or not) I told her what I meant was she needs to be honest with herself about how she feels and what she wants. That she needs to stop worrying about what other people think about her and to stop trying to please everyone and telling people what they want to hear.
She said that she does do that and that she is a people pleaser. I told her I know that but its time to figure out what you want and what will make you happy because I cannot do that and until you figure it out you will never be happy.
This has been the sticking point since the beginning. She just refuses to open up to anybody and until she works out her issues our relationship issues will never get resolved. And until she looks deep inside herself and is truly honest with herself about how she feels and what she wants she will never know how to be happy with me or anybody else. (Just like her mother)
I am going to continue working on my end of the separation agreement. Basically it’s about how we will handle the finances, my visitation with the kids, time we might spend together and of course that there be nobody else brought into the mix. This is time for each of us to step back and re-evaluate ourselves and figure out what we want. It’s not a time to complicate this mess with other people. It’s not fair to either one of us nor the person that gets dragged into it.
She hates change and this would be a major one for her but staying “comfortably unhappy” as someone stated to me is unacceptable. I cannot continue on the same course I have been for the last year and expect different results. I’m not happy with the current status of our relationship. We are still just roommates, we just get along better. I feel without change, without me doing something different that it will just continue as is and I deserve more than that.
