Another WAW, Advise Please

[cannon]

I read a few of the threads, and my story is not much different. Married 10 years 2 school age kids. My W has threatened leaving for much of the 10 years and to my fault I though it was just passing, each time. I should have listened more closely, and she should have communicated it better.

She has no respect for me and believes that I have no plan. In her words "If not for the stigma of being divorced twice, and our current financial mess she would be gone already."

She recently started up conversations with her ex who is now separated from his W. He lives in her home town, and while traveling back to visit she met him, twice and has been in frequent contact since.

I wish i would have run into this form and book 10 years ago, but I have to start somewhere and sometime.

She is back in her home town the rest of this week and she has stated that they will not meet up, but I'm not naive enough to believe that. My question regarding this, is should I put down a boundary over email or phone while she is out of town? I fully expect that she will say, "OK, Great I'll move out!" She thinks she made great mistakes in their marriage and does not want him to move on without her.

She is seeing a counselor(or divorce midwife, whatever you want to call her) and she is putting on her big girl panties and telling her parents this week.

She claims that I am a great father and I take care of her well(cooking, cleaning, construction, errand boy, coffee barista, bartender, etc.) What do i stop doing to remove the cake or fork?

DR is on the way this morning, someone is picking it up for me double wrapped in shopping bags at the store, because i'm home with a sick child all day and can't wait to start this journey.

I shaking while i type, and i'm welling up with all of this pressure. Thankfully i ran into this site, and look forward to sharing and someday passing on the info that I am gaining.

I stopped talking about the M 2 days ago, and i'm thinking of my GAL and 180s.

Help! I think that is the first time I have ever typed/spoken that word.

Thanks

[cannon]

bump, anyone

i noticed a text from a client of hers at 4 this morning. they are staying at the same hotel and there are other constant texting that she could blame on work stuff, but 4ish in the morning?

i need to figure out if i wait for the boundaries confrontation or do it before more happens.

[DownNotOut...yet]

Everything that could happen has most likely already happened. Not even worth worrying about this.

Yes boundaries sooner than later. Scary as hell but the only success stories seem to be the ones where the cheated upon spouse stands firm.

...She has no respect for you...You earn her respect by standing up to her. She is gonna be p!ssed as h@ll but it is the first step.

She claims that I am a great father and I take care of her well(cooking, cleaning, construction, errand boy, coffee barista, bartender, etc.)

Sounds like you are her b!tch. BTW when my wife went AWOL, that was my first inclination also. It is a common mistake.

What were you doing wrong before the bomb that led to this? Address those issues. You have to own up to your part of the problems/breakdown BUT at the same time you must tell her, you will not live in an open marriage. You can have one or the other but not both. Scary, scary, SCARY stuff but the only affairs survivers I've seen around here are the ones who finally got the guts to face it. FWIW my wife didn't get with the program until the DAY I planned to file. Now it's fairly good.

I'm sure one of the hardcore folks will be along shortly and will paste the whole boundries script into your sitch. Look for and read threads by Coach and/or Greek, you will get both sides of the story. Read Puppy Dog Tails, I think Overburdended is looking strong. Read this forum and the infidelity forum. You can probably learn more quickly by lurking and reading but by all means post. We will be with you,.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

She is back in her home town the rest of this week and she has stated that they will not meet up, but I'm not naive enough to believe that. My question regarding this, is should I put down a boundary over email or phone while she is out of town? I fully expect that she will say, "OK, Great I'll move out!"

That depends; is this really a boundary of personal integrity with you (a "dealbreaker"), or isn't it?

If it's OK for your wife to be in contact with other men, and lie to you about it, and you can live with that (even if for awhile), then don't call her on it, especially if you don't want to risk her leaving you.

If, however, you say "Well, I don't WANT her to leave, but if that's what she is doing, well then I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THAT ANYWAY . . . "

... then that's a different animal.

Those are what the true BOUNDARIES are. They are things that, if the bottom were to fall out (she leaves you, separation, divorce, what-have-you), you could honestly look yourself in the mirror and say "Well, I couldn't have lived with that anyway. I have too much respect for myself to tolerate that, and Life is too short."

Make sense?

Get PROOF, and then sit down in a quiet moment and really ponder what your true DEALBREAKERS are. Those are the "N.U.T.S." spoken about in the excellent book "Hold Onto Your N.U.T.S."

You'll then have your answers. Then it's just a matter of praying for the STRENGTH to do what needs to be done, and we can help you as well. But only YOU can answer what those boundaries are.

Puppy

[cannon]

Are there links to the chemicals going on that has been spoken of here(EA relationship stuff)?

She is texting him again today so atleast they are not in the same room(well maybe). I have proof of a EA i'm very computer savy and have emails back and forth that they would be together if possible, and emails to friends stating the same.

she says she does not want to hurt me, the great father and such, but that she feels nothing for me.

I will pick up the book "N.U.T.S" as soon as i can.

again thanks so much for the support, i'm good at following advise.

Here would be my boundary "I can't share you with another man as long as we are married. If you continue with the EA then the second you walk into my house you will inform our children of your intent to leave me. You will live in the spare bedroom until you can find accommodations(one month)."

Are there things to add/takeout? do i pressure with outing it to her family, since he is separated and has nothing to lose. i'm certain he is putting on the full court press. do i call him an confront? so many questions?

I can't watch my wife text, email, and phone a guy she has admitted to having great feeling for. I truly believe that she will leave when i say this, but you are right i can't live with it and maybe just maybe get a little respect out of it.

I'm just can't see whether i should do it before she comes home(over phone/email). i will be able to grab all of the other intel after she returns.

[cannon]

How do you handle a therapist that is pushing in a wedge? basically just telling W what steps to do next to get D, and minimizing grief about hurting me, minimizing effects it will have on children and extended family.

[Deep]

Ouch. An EA / OM changes the sitch dramatically. You can try googling PEA for the chemicals.

I think you're just being honest with yourself on setting that boundary on OM, and I'll just add be really sure of enforcing the consequences, as difficult as that may be.

Your W will never find the "us" you had or her feelings for you as long as OM is in the picture.

I'll leave it to the vets to advise on the boundary statement, but I would say you appear to be using the kids as a threat against her too blatantly in what you posted. Perhaps you can consider:

"I won't share my wife with another man. Emotional or physical, affairs are deeply disrespectful and a betrayal I will not tolerate."

Make it clear you have proof (make sure you DO have proof) before saying that, then tell her she has a choice of either a) coming clean, cutting off all contact with an agreed upon transparency plan, b) facing the consequences, which you have to decide. Whether it involves her leaving the house or room, exposure - and to whom, even more drastic measures. Just be sure you're ready to have her call you on them.

[cannon]

@ deep congrats on your sitch and newborn.

I agree on the kids, but i think that is a hot button for her, i'm hoping to follow what others have done here with the children and force her to drop the bomb on them as well. she is being told they will be fine, in fact they will be better, cause she won't be all over me and everyone walking on eggshells to make sure she is happy.

through intel i learned that she planned to meet OM/XH to catch up when she went back into town. i did not confront, instead i asked what her schedule was like and small talk. finally while she was packing W stated, "I'm meeting XH". I give a WTF and say that i don't approve. It's nothing yada...yada...coffee or something

W calls at midnight on way home from meeting with XH to check in with me, i'm asleep but now awake for the rest of the night. I try to have conversations, but she is out of town and is short on the phone. She is scared that her family can hear the conversation we are having. i say "i don't care, take the phone out to the living room and put it on speaker, i'm not the one meeting with my ex when i should be spending time with my family"

that seemed to work but, then i lost my strength when she returned home. she had met several times with the ex and when meeting with the therapist(divorce midwife) the idea was planted that separation was the way to go. W has started to clean the extra bedroom, and when she returns that's where she will move. in the meantime text X 100, phone calls, and emails that i will get the second she opens her laptop and goes wireless on my router. i feel bad about that, but should i? it hurts deeply to read them, but has built a strong wall that i will build into a great boundary. and, it has given me the communication with her that she has never given to me, how sad that you learn more about your W through her email, then she will confide in you.

So boundary time for the OM is as soon as W returns.

does it help to threaten and expose EA to W family if she will not live with boundary?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I would focus on OM's wife or bf, rather than your wife's family.

Puppy

[cannon]

The OM's wife said to OM that my W was his forever person and that he did not love her, then she left him for another man, that she was dating before they M. So i will try to put pressure there, but i think there is no pressure to be gained there.