That is why you have to detach. Pull up a chair and watch the fireworks. You can not let it affect you. You can only control yourself, you can only make yourself happy. Your H has to learn that on his own. You can not spoon feed him that. It will not work. His MLC will only get worse and he will just blame you, when it is not your fault
I know I need to go dark and detach for my own sanity. I obviously cannot handle trying to be nice while feeling walked on. Eventually the built up frustration is going to come out. Luckily I was able to stay somewhat sane through the R talk but I know I could lose it at any point.
I am tired and feel used and I can't believe my H is treating me this way. I am hoping to see a counselor this next week who understands MLC and depression in men. I need some guidance on how I can cope if I want to hang in there. I am just not sure I want to anymore! I think this is too hard for me! And i feel like time is passing me by!!
Old Pilot: I'm getting there too slowly probably. I understand that you are right. Guess I am worried I won't be able to return from "detached" and might not care anymore once I achieve detachment. Yet I also see how burnout from caring could cause the same thing. So Catch 22.
Time IS passing you by. For me, I'm trying to set a mental time limit to hold on to. Like if I hold out X number of months (maybe 12 max, less than a lot of people on this board, but that's all I feel I can take without going crazy), that's what is reasonable and then I can be free knowing I gave it my all. Something like that. Who knows? Maybe I can take more than that. Or maybe I will get sick of it sooner. Hard to say what will happen once you get counseling support or if you see some baby step type improvement in your H's situation.
Read the resources. Knowledge is power. Don't tell him about this site. It takes courage and it is difficult I know I have been where you are. I might be there right this minute, but do what I say. We will keep hitting you with a 2x4 until you listen. We do this because we care not because we try to hurt you with an internet 2x4
I guess my point is that counseling might help you detach enough to ride his rollercoaster less. Then you might make it longer or long enough for him to get better if you want that. I guess it would depend whether he actively seeks help and gets it and it works before you give up. GAL really helps. But it's difficult not to have your day ruined when they call you and then you feel hurt and bad all over again. Thus detachment I suppose. BUt you can't just wave the magic wand and make detachment happen unfortunately or I already would have.
I know this sounds pathetic but I am not sure I can settle for baby steps. He has been tough for over a year now and I have been struggling to deal with this. Plus I am not even sure this is what it is. I have self diagnosed him. He could just be a mean son of a gun but I must admit that he sounds like many other men on this forum.
Thanks so much for talking to me. I am exhausted but feel better knowing there are others who understand!
Well, good night and good luck. I don't like settling for baby steps either. It seems a pale ghost in comparison to what I used to have. Also, if someone's depression turns particularly mean, they give you no choice but to get away. Don't feel guilty whatever you do. Sounds like you already gave it a fighting chance and he hasn't met you halfway by getting help for himself. You will have to decide what you want to do about that. Good luck.
Sydney, Your initial post sounded exactly like me!! I have been where you are, to a tee!! But, I didn't find this site in time and we are now D. He also had an OW until about a week ago. He has admitted that we D'd too soon. He has said a million things, in and out of the tunnel. I am pretty much dark on him, but it is easier cause I live 700 miles from him. It took me a long time to get there, even from so far away. I, all the time, refer to my XH as an alien! He was taken 3 years ago, almost overnight as you have said. He was an incredible husband and father up until that point, we had issues, but nothing I thought would make this happen. We talked many times a day while he was at work or wherever and he always called me "love of my life" In October of 2006 that ended almost over-night!!
I have struggled with the whole issue of knowing he is mentally ill and still leaving him. But, I know I did everything in my power (at the time, with the information I had) to save our marriage. I also know that I couldn't watch him be with another woman and survive. My kids needed to have a mom who didn't cry all the time. I am stronger now, only divorced 8 mo., but it is getting easier. My 10 yr old said when she heard XH and OW broke up "now you and daddy can get back together". I doubt that will happen, the lies, deception, pain, loss, etc is just too much now. But, I never say never. He won't even be my friend at this point, he blames me for every single thing that has happened, I am sure even that OW dumped him is my fault, lol.
Hang in there, I wish I had!! I know your pain! It is unbelievable at times, feels like you live in a twilight zone! Just leave him alone, let him live in the bed he made.
Me-40 XH-44 T-21 M-18 Div-19 mo. D-18,S-15,D-11 Bomb-7/07 EA,PA Mvd out-9/07-to give me space mvd back-12/07 mvd out-7/08 back with OW since 2/08 OW broke it off-1/10 in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
I deeply need encouragement! This is incredibly hard. This past weekend my husband lied to me several times. I don't know how you guys do this. He is heartless and continues to blame everything on me yet has not proceeded with the D. I know he doesn't want to and not because he wants me but because he doesn't want to deal with going thru a D.
I have gone dark which seems to make him angry which he then starts using my daughter as a pawn to get to me. I know some of you said they get angry at first when you go dark but then what can happen?! Please let me know your experiences. I am really hurting.
I have to have a medical procedure in a couple of days and I think I am going to ask him to contact his attorney (if he hasn't by that time) after I have recovered.
I just can't believe this is the same man I was married to. My heart is broken and it is hard to deal with the rejection. I never would have thought he would treat me in such an unkind way!
Any words of encouragement or advice would be deeply appreciated!
