Hi all, Thank you so much for your kind and helpful posts. Patpat, your note above really touched me, thank you so much. LFA - I know you can relate. And 25, such good perspective and such words of wisdom and I look forward to your continued feedback.
I was in a self-blame cycle for a few days as I was missing my H so very much. I of course know that's not true and in some ways maybe we did not bring out the best in each other. I also quit my job shortly before he moved out to be home more with him while he was in school (I was traveling a lot), while I was supporting him..I was trying to address issues and 'help' us even then, and he got caught up in his school, partying, etc. He also had a bad temper at times and didn't address a lot of little things (his family used to say racist comments and it bothered me, and he said I didn't accept them instead of addressing it). Anyway, lots of little things on both sides...you get the point..he said I was controlling yet he rarely stood up to the plate, always deferred to me. We both fell into roles that we didn't like. So he gets fed up and leaves, back in Nov '08. So we've been separated over a year and I really don't think there is any hope left, even though I wish there was. We've had very minimal contact.
All the advice about GAL is great, last fall (you can see from posts back) I felt like I was in a much better place and even seeing the upside of D...got involved in new activities and relied on myself for my own happiness. But there was something in back of my head that held out hope. Getting papers right before Xmas quashed that hope.
So now I'm in a place where I am moving back to CA mid-March...so it would be hard if nearly impossible to work on anything from there, as he'll still be back east.
Also, I toy with the lawyer issues. I've spend $$ on his tuition and supported us fully while he was in school (and covered a lot of expenses and trips before then). When he went to business school he said in the beginning, "i am doing this for us, so you don't have to work so hard." Yes, i'm bitter...a good part of me wants to fight to get some $$ back, I want to cut back at work and he's now making gobs of $$ out of business school. I read Coach's post yesterday about Boundaries, and during most of our separation I've felt like I've been a bit of a doormat (letting him borrow my car, helping him out as needed, being a friend to him while he was really pretty crappy). So part of me thinks I should stand up to him, ask for $$ back, or go down the Lawyer route if needed. But I do fear there is risk involved as I have more savings then he does and could he come after what I have saved in our M? (I wouldn't think so given his earning potential and current salary, but you never know).
Then on the other hand I want things to be amicable with him, not fight, and see if it's possible to rekindle a friendship. Yes, 25, I had addressed a lot of issues he had with me, but for myself too...I've become more open/less controlling, and I've gotten help for my anxiety (that was a problem a bit in our marriage for a variety of factors). He says I can apply them to my next R, but wish it could be w him.
We are supposed to have dinner later this week or next. I'm sure he'll ask about my signing D papers then...then I don't know if I should in the moment ask him about tuition $$..I fear it could get nasty but I don't want to not act out of fear. (I'v also made more $$ than him throughout our M, which he apparently had a problem with, so don't know what court would give me $$ if I have good savings...but it's the principle more). We also have to deal w our taxes at some point (i realized yesterday he took all tax returns except '08 w him, which made me a little nervous).
Lastly, I wrote him a letter over the weekend...sometimes I just write my thoughts on papers...it was about how I was often self-critical and projected that unrightly on to him. Not an excuse but wanted to give him some context for my behaviors, and that they were not coming out of lack of commitment or love for him, or thinking any less of him. It's an apologetic letter and telling him how much I've always loved him. OR I have the Dobson letter I wrote too...so many different thoughts/emotions/approaches hard to know how to proceed. At this point I feel 'what's to lose?' if it's going to make me feel better sharing these thoughts w him, but doubt it'll do any good.
25, for the last 6 months of last yr I made a concerted effort to GAL, etc (and was happier, even dated a bit) but it really didn't make any different to h (yes I know this if for me, not him). I don't want to hold on to false hope and I want to be able to find love again, but sometimes, yes, I do miss him terribly and feel so sad that are issues are so solveable. But we've been together since 21 and I think he's enjoying time on him own, may even have a series GF, not sure. (Should I ask?) I don't think he's jealous or curious about me b/c last time we got together he kept prodding and asking if I was dating, and said 'when you go back to CA I'm sure you'll have plenty of options...' like he is really wanting me to move on.
I had a good talk over the weekend w a GF who has know H and I since college...she is also a counsellor. And she said some very good objective things to me, reminding me of H's flaws in his own family issues. She mentioned that he's clearly struggling w some of his own identity issues (not feeling 'macho' or 'man' enough in the ) and the fact that he never communication a lot of his grievances w me...reminding me of all that I have sacrified for him (I've moved for him throughout our M, supported us, etc...he came to resent it and i think i did too).
But it's hard to see him know doing so great, out of business school, successful and put-together (he even got a small modeling contract last yr!) and like i gave up a great guy (since he said I pushed him away) and will never find someone like this again. I know, I know if he was that great would he have treated me like cr-- across this past yr and jusy walked out? I feel in some ways I helped him get where he is now (remember helping him write his applications for school), and now he wants nothing to do w me... that's why part of me wants to get a L and find for some financial contribution back b/c it's one small way for me to take back control of the situation, and my self-respect/dignity, and frankly, i feel a little used.
So lots of thoughts...but with a move coming up and trying to figure out how to approach this end (even though I don't want it), I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. A legal course of action could be very draining...I could just sign simple papers and we walk away w what is each ours and move on...but I feel like I get the raw end of the deal here. And I am trying to build back my self-esteem, and I miss him terribly...
Ahh..sorry I'm kind of all over the place this morning. Thank you tremendously for your advice...keep it coming!! Love you all, hhh