Just want my H back

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks LFA,

but to H, let me say this too. Assume for the sake of argument that this was ALL your fault...It was NOT but let's assume it was for a minute. To me, that's NOT bad news; it's kind of good. Sure you'll have regrets galore. but you can CHANGE you...the worst news in the world is hearing you were GREAT, but not good enough for him to stay b/c then, how can you ever trust that a man will stay with you if your best, isn't good enough?

Since all you can control is you, then DO IT. Make the changes you want to make so you are a great partner, "from this day forward..."and if another man is who benefits instead of your h, then it's your H's loss. (And your new mans' gain.)

Learn what you can from this and for most of us, being here at all means that down the road, we are better partners and our M's are better for it. WHether with our first spouses, or the next....but taking it as all you fault ins't realistic.
If you "blew it", then learn from it, improve, and forgive yourself.

Seriously, forgive yourself. You'll see things more clearly in time and for one, I can tell from your posts he was not blameless and I doubt he has learned much since he's blaming you, he does not have to look inward. That means that even if YOU change for the better, all won't be fine. HE"s got to change too but does not see this and you are not in a position to tell him either (at this point it's the last thing he can hear from you).

LEt him realize that your changes are REAL...which means if he's open to it:
Change + Time = Seeing you differently.

If he's not, so be it. The next one will be....

Your path is clear in one respect, since moving on does NOT mean giving up. IT means making progress and realizing your former approach has NOT worked....

So move on. GAL, be a bit mysterious but always upbeat. Did you ever read my post about going to Italy with my kids? (Probably not, it has been awhile)

But I did not want another anniversary "alone" with h sending flowers but living on the tundra in his one man MLC and knowing I was there waiting in case he got some time off...blah blah blah...so I went where I had always wanted to go for an anniversary and I took my kids since h was living up NORTH....and I did not invite H. I assumed since he lived 3000 miles away he would not be interested and frankly, I didn't feel like having him around in a fake "we're married but living apart..." thing. Too hard and crazy for me and I wanted the trip to be an escape. Boy did that bug H. He didn't deny us the right to go or anything and he knew he was in no position to whine, though he tried to....so off we went. BEST money I ever spent/borrowed and spent, etc.
NO reminders of H there at all for 2 weeks, and proving to kids and myself we could have a blast AND showing ourselves that. ANd showing h that we were happy, even without him around. Probably in part BECAUSE he was not around there was NO tension.

Later, much later, he told me how much it bothered him that he was "left out" but knew he had let himself out and too bad we were not there waiting....soemtimes it was hard for him to reach us there in Europe too, but TOO BAD, not intentional on my part but great for him to feel. Know what I mean?

It started something...he began calling much more often b/c somehow I gave him the impression we were having a blast without him..and he missed us! He wanted to have the fun times too....wth? Took him awhile but he sure showed marked interest after the trip, though more of it showed to ME, later. And again, he noticed things when he saw me applying for jobs OVERSEAS b/c...b/c for once, I COULD....I I didn't have to consider his career first or at all and I began to see the upside to div....NOT happy about it but figuring may as well make the best of it...

THat attitude shift IN ME, made one in him...make sense? I almost did not say yes to a recon and though we are in a good place now, I KNOW if he left again, I'd be fine. (And I'd realize it a hell of a lot sooner too)

I GAL, and you must do so. And you don't have to go to Europe to GAL.....small weekend trips...day trips even...a class here and there...the 180's ARE Noticed and who cares if they are not? They are for YOU....


Must get back to my dog--she's whelping and this ain't easy! (for her OR me...)

I'll finish the thread a bit later guys....good luck!

j-