I hate talking to my H. He always traps me into D talk. He wants to start looking for a lawyer this week. I told him that it's only been 7 weeks, can't we slow down. He said we just needed to get this all over with as soon as possible so we both could move on and be happy.
I told him that I'm giving him space, and would like to wait before we make any D decisions. He said what he always says, “I can’t come back from this, I’ve told you that a million times”. I hate hearing that, he always says it every time we talk.
I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle. I don’t want to give up any hope of reconciliation yet, but I’m not sure what to do with him pushing the D.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
He wants to start looking for a lawyer this week. I told him that it's only been 7 weeks, can't we slow down. He said we just needed to get this all over with as soon as possible so we both could move on and be happy.
I told him that I'm giving him space, and would like to wait before we make any D decisions. He said what he always says, “I can’t come back from this, I’ve told you that a million times”. I hate hearing that, he always says it every time we talk.
That is very tricky and I'm sure I'll be having the same conversations very soon. I would avoid using WE at all in your conversations, because to your H there is no WE.
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I told him that it's only been 7 weeks, can't we slow down.
Instead maybe "I know you're ready to proceed with this. I am not ready yet"
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I told him that I'm giving him space, and would like to wait before we make any D decisions.
Instead maybe "I'm giving you the space that you want. I need time before making any decisions."
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He said what he always says, “I can’t come back from this, I’ve told you that a million times”
Maybe your response could be: "I understand where you're at.".
That's how I intend to deal with conversations like that. Hope that helps.
Also, you might want to think about if there are any triggers for these kinds of conversations. The last time that H mentioned D to me, the trigger was him trying to get me to do something with the kids on my time that was important to him. He started the conversation sort of aggressively, and I dug in my heels. Then he got mean in the conversation. If I could do that evening over again, I would have tried to redirect the conversation or put it off given that I could tell right away that he was in a p1ssy mood and trying to bait me.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
flowmom, Thank you so much for the reply. I will defiently try your suggestions next time. These conversations with my H get me so emotional, and that causes me to backslide.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Both of you listen to me I am getting a big 2x4 and hitting both of you. This is your new RULE. It is IMPORTANT. KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! Eyes and ears open. No texting, e-mailing, talking to your H. When you don't do what I am saying what has been the result? Divorce talks???? If you want to get divorced then don't listen to me and keep doing what you are doing. Thats it thats the 1 rule. Start doing it right now. PLEASE.....
Both of you listen to me I am getting a big 2x4 and hitting both of you. This is your new RULE. It is IMPORTANT. KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! Eyes and ears open. No texting, e-mailing, talking to your H. When you don't do what I am saying what has been the result? Divorce talks???? If you want to get divorced then don't listen to me and keep doing what you are doing. Thats it thats the 1 rule. Start doing it right now. PLEASE.....
Point taken OP.
How would you suggest that mb28 and I go about things when there has to be regular communication about small children though? About the only thing that H and I agree on is wanting to coparent and keep this is non-traumatic for the kids as possible. I'm trying to communicate by email as much as possible to avoid getting sucked into conversation, but my emails are brief and I try to send them frivolously. I don't text at all. I also engage in very brief small talk, mostly for the benefit of the children, e.g. "how was your weekend?". I want to avoid giving H the silent treatment because it would affect the children in a negative way, and it could send H a message of a bitter, brooding LBW. Since I started DBing, H has only mentioned D once, and I totally didn't react or respond, just continued looking at him with a pleasant expression on my face. That stopped the conversation.
At some point, though, H is going to say: "I want to proceed with mediation". What do I say then?
Hoping this isn't highjacking mb28 -- we have similar dilemmas.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
