better times to come - maple moves to piecing

[flowmom]

That sounds like a tough situation. H had a brief A before we were married and it took a long time for things to heal. He wouldn't have had an affair if there weren't problems in our R, therefore I think that he felt justified on some level in the A. He was not as remorseful as I would have liked, because on some level he felt pushed into it, even though as a grown man he was responsible for his own actions.

As for people not knowing, my H appeared better on the outside than he was in our marriage for a long time, so I know how that is. But realistically, the more that people know about your H's A, the more that you'd also have to deal with the consequences of his actions. You'd have to deal with everyone's opinion about his choices and your own choice to continue being married to your H.

I think that your best bet right now is to ask for what you want and what you want that to look like. I totally understand wanting your H to regret his actions, but that might take time if he is ambivalent about the situation, esp if the children have weighed heavily into his decision to work on piecing with you. I remember wanting reassurance, transparency, etc. The A will be painful for you for a long time, most likely. But what might make the greatest difference in your M is not addressing the A itself, but creating a more positive M, babystep by babystep.

I know that life with small children makes it all even harder and my heart goes out to you. I'm new at DBing so please disregard my input if it's not helpful. I wish you the strength that you need right now.