My Story...possible "grass is greener" scenario?

[Gardener]

nsw1222,

I found out about detachment (or no contact as its referred to other places)

Not so. No contact is just that: NO. Contact. Detachment is altogether different: You are free from concern about the outcome. Any outcome. i.e., you will okay no matter what...and accept those no matter whats. You don't care what she is doing, what she is thinking, what she is thinking about what you're thinking, her moods don't affect your moods at all, etc., etc.

Every time I thought I was set in maintaining limited contact (e.g I havent heard from her or contacted her), I am contacted by her in some way (usually about our daughter) and I slip.choose to slip. Big difference

So thats why I'm thinking detaching on such an extreme level may be too lofty a goal.

Oh, try it first - reaslly try it for a while and then pass judgement on it.

As far as setting boundaries goes...at this point he only boundary I can see that I could try and set would be involving her relationship with the OM. Since she "said" her relationship with the OM hasnt become physical yet, I asked her if she was willing to remain faithful and she flat out said no. That having been said, I think (assume) from our conversation yesterday and this morning that she knows that if it becomes physical, I want no part of it or her.

Sorry, but you're ALL over the map here. You don't ask if maybe she's gonna kinda be faithful, etc. You TELL it is unacceptable, you will not share your wife with another man. Find and read the excellent thread on Boundaries that Coach started here on Newcomers.

I guess my question based on your comments is should I tell her this right now in no uncertain terms and not just assume she understood that from the way we talked and how I said I couldnt be friends with her while she moved on with another man?

I wouldn't talk to her until I got more educated, stronger, and have developed, written down and memorized some simple no-nonsense boundaries with explicit, immediate consequences.

I know from reading Micheles book that talk of the OP should be avoided...so if I brought that back up...

Mutually exclusive. Ignoring Michelle's advice. What am I - or you - missing, here?,

At this point it seems my plan of action is to not initiate contact with her unless its of dire importance about our daughter, go about my life and daily activities without expecting her in it, if she calls/writes/wants to talk Don't answer respond hours later to her in positive but reserved ways, and end the call quickly and first and if she wants to do things together as I mentioned in a previous post, as long as it isnt interfering with anything else I've got to do, accept.Why?Because she has free time from OM?

Does that sound reasonable...or am I just being too spineless and doormat-like? You're being a Doormat if you go along with her "hanging out with me one on one' while she is still seeing OM.

nsw1222, you are scared, confused and overwhelmed by trying to do everything at once. You are sprinting - madly. This is a marathom: slow and steady. Be the tortoise not the hare. Re-read DR. Take it slowly, step-by-step. Got one step firmly and automatically incorporated into your behavior? Then go on to the next step. And remember: this is designed to stop the slippery slope to divorce. Not "get him or her back." Or" Repair the Relationship." That comes much, much later with much difficulty.Read Boundaries.
Stop sprinting. You are exhausting yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally and it shows in your posts.