She must be seeing a lawyer...what now?

[Deep]

Marital history re-writing, pure and simple. Sounds like your W likes drama, so she'll seize on a flashpoint, convince herself of how you utterly disrespected her, and toss that into the heap of burning wood for her WAS mode / entitlement.

I've been through quite a bit of what you shared. The resentment at W leading to the breakdown of the M, the little carrots thrown at you now, the wish to "find us again". It's not all bad, but keep in mind a lot of it is simple guilt, cake-eating, keeping you as a back-up, and plain unwillingness to put in the work to save the M - for now.

I think you're right to the line in wanting your M and W, but setting certain boundaries and respecting her choices.