HI newmama I do not know if i will be able to forgive myself even if i do find out. My ex is an emotional wreck now because of me. I should not be getting the support, she should. She deserves all the help in the world. Not me. I feel so incredibly bad for what I have put her through.
I wish she could just erase me from her memory so as not to feel this burden.
Her life has been a lie all this time. Everything is a lie to her. The psychological impact of that must be soooo much worse than what i am feeling.
I wish i could take all her pain.
I am not saying this to be noble. I truly feel this way. It was all my fault. Not hers. I want her pain.
We have a child together. Now that will be a stern reminder of everything that has gone wrong in my marriage. Not that my daughter was a mistake at all. I love her very much. I was hiding this secret from her back then. I do not think i acted out till after she was born. But i still had that secret with me.
I am supposed to admit that i have a problem and that i am powerless over it. That a higher power has a plan for me. I do not believe that yet. I deserve what I am getting. If those who cheated feel the way I do , i can see why they keep doing it. THey have passed the point of no return. They have it in their heads that they might deserve that outcome of a divorce.
For those people that are trying to get passed it and work on the marriage even after cheating, I have nothing but the utmost respect for you. I admire you zeal. I admire your love. I only wish in my wildest dreams I could have someone like you guys in my life.
Forgiveness is something that is so hard to attain. It is a word that makes us feel better. But what about the other person that is forgiving? What about their feelings? Those things never go away. I would be willing to spend an eternity making up for what i did. But making up for what I did almost always means, cutting ties with that person, so that they may be happy without me. After all, i am a cruel reminder of what i did everyday.
I am trying my hardest not to live in that area. But it is a reality for me.
Thank you once again for letting me speak my thoughts.
