P, you sound so frustrated... ((hugs)). Your feelings are all over the place. You say you are done, you say you give up yet you care what W puts on her FB page. You want to run away... which sounds good to me. You need a break! You know too much about what W is doing and it's affecting you... Get some blinders on and focus on P more--that's what NC is supposed to be doing for you.
Hey DBD. You hit it on the head. I do need to get away from here. I think Gnosis also hit it on the head when he said that I basically can't move here without W knowing about it, assuming she's in the slightest bit interested (which I don't think she is).
I am desperate to get away from it all. DESPERATE. I get well. I get good. I get healthy and then BANG the stuff hits the fan again and I'm back at square one. I am simply tired of it all. Day after day after day of this. I never get a break from it. NEVER. And it's taking it's toll on me. It really is. I'm tired. I'm moody. I'm cranky. I'm less tolerant than I was. I really can't take much more.
That is why I am done. I have to be.
She still affects me initially. You're right, the Facebook message. Why? Initially it just brought me down. Now, less than 24 hours afterwards I just think - who CARES?!!? If she D's me, good luck to her. There is NOTHING I can do about it.
But what bothers me is the LIES. More effing lies. And then I think why is she lying and then the brain goes into overdrive to crunch away the why's and wherefore's. Is it to please OM? Maybe he's pushing her for a D? But is she is going for a D why does she think she can keep a relationship with D9 and then my brain starts to flounder in the 'DOES NOT COMPUTE' area and breaks down. I then get very confused and begin to think maybe she knows something I don't. Then I get worried and concerned. Then I go back to the start again crunching the why's and wherefore's ... the loop never stops. My brain never stops. It hurts. I'm sick of it. I'm tired.
The only solution I can see is to completely detach. I just can't do it. I have detached about as much as I can. I can't detach anymore. I simply can't do it. This A is just too much in my face all the time. She lives a stones throw from here. Everybody I speak knows something about it - another little tit bit of information. They either talk to me about the tit bit or they completely blank me and it's because they know something, maybe lies, about it.
While I am here W cannot live her fantasy. Now, I'm not being Mr Nice Guy by allowing her to continue her adultery. What I'm doing is removing all pressure on her A by me leaving. That is the only way it may crumble. While the big bad husband is around they have to stay together as I am pushing them together. Their love will hold me at bay. When I'm gone they can have a normal relationship with all the boring monotony that entails. I'm also removing all pressure on ME by leaving. Getting away is probably the best thing I could do.
To show how much I haven't detached, I'll tell you this. I was thinking. If W did ever want to reconcile, it would be hell to do it up here. EVERYBODY knows what's happened. If I move where I am going to, then nobody would know us. See, can't detach.
Anyway, I have been trying to look at why I am so stuck. It's quite simply the pain. The sudden shock of it and the tossing me to the side so completely. She told D a while ago that she still loved me but is not in love with me - I can't see any love from her at all. I can only see her focused on D. A focus that is just not practical and I still don't get it.
I have said a thousand times but please, somebody, tell me why she thinks that she can have a relationship with my daughter? Under what possible circumstances would you allow your daughter to have a relationship with somebody who has shown themselves to be a liar, deceitful, engage in behaviour that you don't want your child to know about, unstable, inconsistent and generally not really interested in her? As I said, it doesn't matter how many times I go over and over this, I still don't get it.
So there you have it.
Newmama, I know what you are saying above about analysing why she put that. It could be any one of those reasons. Unless I'm wrong, she can't file for D (unless, as I said, being on Match.com is considered unreasonable behaviour for me). So it can only either be for show, the OM, or she is under the illusion that a separation is 'preparing for divorce'. As I said above, after 24 hours I just don't care. W baby, do your worst. You can't do ANY worse to me than you already have - you've broke my heart, you've stamped on my feelings, you've abandoned your step-daughter and husband, and you've lied about the love we had and the memories we've shared in the last 7 years. What exactly can you do to top that? Legal end our marriage? Good luck to you.
With regards to driving 100 miles - I used to drive 600 miles every weekend (300 miles here on a Friday night and 300 miles back on a Sunday night) to see D ... 100 miles I can do in my sleep (not literally of course :)). It's a quiet road.
