I am the cause

[Day by Day]

undrdg, I'm seconding newmama's advice to try a 12-step program for sex addiction. If you truly want to stop this behavior, you can get help and understanding.

From what I've read, it does seem to me like an addiction and a difficult problem to solve on your own. You'll need a support group that understands and can help you recover.

Good luck.

[undrdg]

The "bad case of heartburn" feeling....it will get better. But, it will always be there. If it wasn't, it would be worse...that would mean you didn't have a conscience.

Have you told your wife? If/when your wife or daughter find out what you did, they have every right to have the feelings they will have. But...people make mistakes. We are human. This is where I would share my faith with you if you believed.

It sounds like you are questioning your addiction. This is where a professional can help you. Whether it is an addiction or not, you didn't stop yourself from doing something you knew you should not do. Either way, you will get help from a professional on how to deal with this.

I compare my affair to a drug. I don't believe I had a sexual addiction, but I was addicted to the high of the affair. I knew it was wrong, but I could not stop at the time. The pull was always there to call, to check the computer, to go by his house, etc. When I ended the affair, I went through a "withdrawal" for sure. My faith, pure will, and my h's knowledge of the affair and full transparancy I offered to him, helped me get through it. The aftermath is the hardest part. The rebuilding is hard. The memories.

Tell me what is going on right now with your situation. Are you divorced? Does she know?

Whatdidido
Yes I am newly divorced. I was up in the newcomers sections asking for help on my waw. She did not know any of this till a few days ago. And the only reason i came clean was because she found out. I fear i would have continued in this behavior. Now that it is out, I feel a certain small sense of relief.
Just to be clear. My ex did not divorce me because she knew of of this. IT was over money, non commuincation, the taking her for granted.

Now that it is out, it makes sense to her why i was withdrawn, sour, angry at myself, depressed. I have known something was wrong with me for some time. I just did not know what it was. Most of my efforts have gone to conceal my other identity from my wife and that itself took a long toll on me. I could never look at her in the eye. WHen i mentioned in my other threads that i was in a dark place, this is the dark place that I meant.

Does it make it easier to just admit i couldn't keep it in my pants? I don't know. I know i tried to stop. But i was unable to. Whether it was pornography or sex, i could not stop. That much I do know.

I lost everything once already, but i still had this secret to hold on to. Now that it is out, I can try to move forward.

I am sorry for what i have caused. That much is true. I am trying to get help for this. I have attended a couple of meeting, and will go to another one tonight.

Thank you for your understanding. I know i do no deserve it. I am no better than the those who have wronged you. My ex did indeed cheat on me, but that is no excuse for what i have done. IT is my honest hope that you who have been cheated on can accomplish what you came to this forum to accomplish. My presence here is not intended to be that of a victim, for I am my own villain.
I truly love my wife.
That much i know is true.
Did i cheat on her because i didn't love her? No.
I forgave her transgression for if anyone understands them i should be able to.

However, i have identified those memories as triggers, which cause me to act out. Is it her fault? No. It is how i am wired.
I use the release of sex as a way to make myself feel better.
As a way to escape.
But I keep escaping. Unable to stop.

[newmama]

Underdog great job going to meetings! Listen, the BSs on here are not saints either. NO, it is horrible to cheat on your spouse and none of us deserve it. But I believe that all of us are capable of cheating (Dr. Harley on marriagebuilders believes this ). So once you can figure out why you are using sex to escape and avoid intimacy, you might be able to forgive yourself.

[undrdg]

HI newmama
I do not know if i will be able to forgive myself even if i do find out.
My ex is an emotional wreck now because of me. I should not be getting the support, she should. She deserves all the help in the world. Not me. I feel so incredibly bad for what I have put her through.

I wish she could just erase me from her memory so as not to feel this burden.

Her life has been a lie all this time. Everything is a lie to her. The psychological impact of that must be soooo much worse than what i am feeling.

I wish i could take all her pain.

I am not saying this to be noble. I truly feel this way. It was all my fault. Not hers. I want her pain.

We have a child together. Now that will be a stern reminder of everything that has gone wrong in my marriage.
Not that my daughter was a mistake at all. I love her very much. I was hiding this secret from her back then.
I do not think i acted out till after she was born. But i still had that secret with me.

I am supposed to admit that i have a problem and that i am powerless over it. That a higher power has a plan for me.
I do not believe that yet.
I deserve what I am getting.
If those who cheated feel the way I do , i can see why they keep doing it. THey have passed the point of no return. They have it in their heads that they might deserve that outcome of a divorce.

For those people that are trying to get passed it and work on the marriage even after cheating, I have nothing but the utmost respect for you. I admire you zeal. I admire your love. I only wish in my wildest dreams I could have someone like you guys in my life.

Forgiveness is something that is so hard to attain. It is a word that makes us feel better. But what about the other person that is forgiving? What about their feelings? Those things never go away.
I would be willing to spend an eternity making up for what i did. But making up for what I did almost always means, cutting ties with that person, so that they may be happy without me. After all, i am a cruel reminder of what i did everyday.

I am trying my hardest not to live in that area. But it is a reality for me.

Thank you once again for letting me speak my thoughts.

[newmama]

Underdog, I didn't mean to make light of what you did or other WSs. Would you like us to offer ideas for the support your (ex)wife needs? I bet you are right; the pain of a betrayed spouse is worse than the guilt of a wayward spouse. So you can answer all of her questions honestly, you can create a timeline, you can never stop apologizing, you can keep going to meetings(who or what do you turn to for hope? that is your higher power), go to IC, and fight for her. Even if she says she doesn't want to talk to you, send/drop off flowers or a card or a mixed song CD or her favorite snacks/dessert every so often. Write letters and send them to her. NO MATTER IF SHE TRULY IS DONE, BE THE BEST DAD YOU CAN BE!

[MrBond]

Oh brother. I don't see how people can be patronizing this. I mean his W left him for lack of attention, etc. and it's easy to see why. He had OW.

Right now you're just like the rest of our WASs you don't want to do any work on yourself. That's cool, that's your perogative. But don't go on and throw act like you're so remorseful to us blah blah blah. We've heard it all before.

If you want to prove you're not BSing, get help for yourself. Your daughter deserves it to know her old man isn't a messed up individual.

But if you don't want to do the work and continue to play the role of victim, go ahead. Your D will be so proud when she grows up.

[undrdg]

Oh brother. I don't see how people can be patronizing this. I mean his W left him for lack of attention, etc. and it's easy to see why. He had OW.

Right now you're just like the rest of our WASs you don't want to do any work on yourself. That's cool, that's your perogative. But don't go on and throw act like you're so remorseful to us blah blah blah. We've heard it all before.

If you want to prove you're not BSing, get help for yourself. Your daughter deserves it to know her old man isn't a messed up individual.

But if you don't want to do the work and continue to play the role of victim, go ahead. Your D will be so proud when she grows up.

Stuck
You are right. However this isn't an act. I can see why you think it is. But it isn't. I own what i did. I accept or am starting to accept that I had no control over my addiction.

I think you hit a nerve in me when you said i don't want to do any of the work on myself. That is not true. I do want to be a better person. I do want to be a better father. I want nothing more than that. I just find it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel knowing what i am. The fear of failure even after you have bared your soul is quite terrifying.

Stuck, i am sorry if my presence here is grotesque to you. However that does not change the fact that i love my ex wife and that does not change the fact that i am more than remorseful for what i did.

I have started attending SAA meetings and have an appointment with an IC on tues.

I am jumping into this with everything that i have. I am jumping into this with no more secrets. That is why i have come to this forum to tell you all what i have done.

Please believe that i am not trying to BS you or anyone. I am writing my story. I am trying to take a moral inventory of what i have done. And just like you, and everyone in here, i want my wife back. If anything that is the one thing we share in common. Mistakes where made on my part. But i never stop loving her. I just did not love myself.
I was a liar.
I lead a double life.
I destroyed her.

SO please forgive me, if I have come in here and upset you. I deserve your skepticism.

And you are right. My daughter deserves a better dad. I will take your advice and try to be better for myself, for her. If my ex sees that then great. But if she doesn't, i will have to deal with those consequences.

[MrBond]

Whether you're here or not, doesn't concern me. What does is how you mislead people claiming you were the helpless LBS like the rest of us, only to find out that you were the same as the WAS.

You want to make things right. That's good for you. But don't go on and start bleeding when just now you are seeking help after chastising your W for having an A. What a hyprocrite. You should have gotten help before, but that's all in the past.

To me, you made your bed when the rest of us were totally caught unaware of the reasons our WASs left. So you have a sex addiction. Well big fat hairy deal. No one put a gun to your head and told you to have sex with other women. It was still your choice. They think Tiger Woods has an addiction, well you know what? It's not. If you KNOW something is wrong, then you are of the right mind to do something about it BEFORE it happens.

Deal with that and maybe you'll find forgiveness someday. Not forgiveness for yourself (that's easy) but forgiveness from your D after she has to live with the knowledge that her old man broke one of the 10 Commandments, more than once. And destroyed what might have been a great family.

So if you really feel bad, then go ahead and get better. I wish you well and I pray for your D that her future R don't repeat your mistakes, which sad to say, it probably will.

[undrdg]

stuck
I am not sure where to start. You are right on many points. However chastising my ex for having in affair is not really what i did. I was quick to forgive her, for whom am i to judge.
I understand that you do not believe that what i have done is an addiction. I am not sure what Tiger Woods has, nor can i comment intelligently on his habits. But i do know one thing, even if you do have a gun to you head you still have a choice. Does an alcoholic have a choice? A drug addict? A gambler? Some might not believe in addictions. I am still not convinced either, but what i do know is that in my situation, is that I knew what i was doing was wrong, but yet, i somehow always found a way to rationalize it.
My so called addiction is very cunning. I experienced a sort of compulsion to do what i did. Sex became a way to get relief from every day stressors. It caused me to retreat within myself. I could not love anyone fully.

I don't expect you to condone my behavior. That is not my intent. You have your opinion and i respect it.

I deserve your anger. But please don't minimize the issue without understanding the full problem. I am still coming to terms with this myself. If Tiger Woods indeed is a sex addict, that is his own addiction. Mine is my own.

Thank you for your time.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Wow. I'm stunned.

Are you saying you MADE UP all of those exchanges (convos) with your wife that you posted on here. All of the details about her infidelities?

Puppy