Hope for a new chapter

[Belle]

Hi all

I haven't posted in a long time (October) and this is my first post in this forum. I am now divorced. It happened 3 days ago.

It was a real shocker. Only because we had received a notice that we were to meet on 1/22/10 to set the trial date and the settlement hearing date.

We didn't have lawyers. We (I) did it all on my own. Found the documents online and printed them all, filed them all. I got the house. He got his tens of thousands of dollars of debt. When we went to the courthouse on 1/22, they said, "Oh, you have all the paperwork completed, we can finalize your D today". After my H, excuse me now ex-H, had asked me multiple times if I was certain that this was ONLY the trial setting date. I was as shocked as he was.

But all in all, I can't help but think that God was watching out for me. Who knows what the H would have pulled. As he stated after we got D'd, "I wasn't sure". He might have tried to stall and stall if he could have.

When was he going to be sure? Never!

As much as I care and love him, I cannot sit by and watch him have an affair for 1.5 years, all the while saying he is not sure. I held out for as long as I feel I could. Please help me to not feel like I gave up. I felt like crap when he told me that his counselor (whom he saw about once every two months) said that since he wouldn't make a decision, I made it for him. And H said "You put a timeframe on it". That made me feel like crap. Logically, I know that he is living in his own crazy world. But there's a little part of my heart that wonders if I should have held out longer. A LITTLE part of my heart.....

I just have such an odd feeling right now because for 1.5 years I have held out hope. Hope that he would realize that he wanted to save our marriage. But it didn't happen. There comes a time when a person has to move on.

I have applied to Naturopathic medical school and I am planning to go in July. I have been accepted and I am excited about it.

But today I am just sad, and like I said, it's just such an odd and lonely feeling to not have that hope anymore.

Has anyone ever felt that???

A new chapter in my life is starting. But I am scared. I am scared that he will always have a hold on me. I had still been talking to him once in a while and I still care for him. It's just hard for me because I live 3 hours away from my family and friends (we moved here so that he could go to school). I have been relying on him for help - watching my dog, cleaning the sidewalks when it snows, etc. He asked me if we are never going to talk again now that we are D'd and I said "no, we will probably talk again". We had already discussed that I would do the taxes. But I don't like the idea of talking to him because I need to break free.

I need hope for a new chapter in my life......