I'm thinking that knowing what your dealing with, either OW or MLC would change the way you react or treat them.
You seem to be confused. There can be an OW in a MLC, usually there is!
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If its MLC, I think being more friendly and understanding is the move.
Yes but the remedy for both things is detach/NC (go dark), work on yourself , GAL. Friendly and understanding is not lovedovey, R talk. You can be his friend if you choose. But if there is an OW and I stress that there probably is, how understanding are you going to be? I will give you the MLC links. There is a lot to read. This is the resource link:
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
Remember that in the stages of MLC it does NOT go 1,2,3,4,5,6 but can get all mixed up and repeat itself and have more than one stage at once. Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
I went out last night with some friends. It was fun, but not as much fun as I used to have. It’s hard to be happy and enjoy being out, when all I can think about is my stupid H.
He did text last night “What are you doing”. I didn’t respond, so he tried to call me, and I didn’t answer. So he texted again and said that my daughter wanted to talk to me. I texted back and said I was in a movie and would call when it was done. He replied with another text “With who”. I replied, after making him wait, with a girl friend name (which was true). When I called about an hour later to talk to my daughter and told her that daddy had said you wanted to talk to me, she said, “No”. Well when he got back on the phone, I said “K, talk to you later, bye” and hung up before he could say anything.
Just a few days ago, I heard the ILYBNILWY and I’M DONE, if that is so, why in the hell does he care whom I’m with and what I’m doing. I just don’t know how to take this, again I don’t want to read anything into it. If anyone wants to give me their analysis, I would be greatly appreciated.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
mb28, sorry to say, but if you suspect an A then you are most likely right.
I thought there was no way in the world my WAW could do that to me, but yeah I was way wrong.
Took me weeks to get the opportunity to look at her Mobile once my suspicions were aroused (their texting gave it away). Then I looked up OM's address and drove by to confirm - yep she was there.
Finding out is sooooooooooooo very hard, and it made me think "what a fool I had been" to think she couldn't do that to me. But then I don't imagine that WAS's spend too much time and effort in thinking how us LBH's are feeling.
I also feel that most WAS's in A's do the cake eating thing. It's fine for them to be off committing adultery, but they still want to know that you're still there as a backup.
I'm guessing that our sitches are very similar once you uncover A, particularly with kids & house issues.
H: 44 W: 42 Married: 23 years Bomb: 16/07/2009 PA Confirmed: 16/01/2010 Over it & working on ME: Feb'ish 2010
blownaway65 Thanks for the reply. The OW that I suspect, I do finally have an address and will be doing some snopping to find out. I hate snooping, because it does make you feel worse. But I've decided that I need to know once and for all. I've already told him that I suspected and of course he denies it. The sad thing is, if it is the girl I suspect she is only 22, almost 13 years younger then my H. None of our friends or his family will ever accept that. It also gives me some hope that with someone that young, it will never last.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
There's a lot of division on 'snooping' here, my personal opinion is that it is best if you know what you are dealing with, and it did make me feel like a real pr*ck invading W's privacy like I did. But I'm not sorry I did it.
Your DBing will likely be less effective while there is a A going on, so it's just something to factor in when you are evaluating your efforts.
I'm in 2 minds as to whether I should expose the A, but OM is divorced and so I don't think it would have any shock value of W. You may be different.
I console myself by knowing that I'm the one who is being strong and wants to keep my family together, and in our Home to boot.
Take care.
H: 44 W: 42 Married: 23 years Bomb: 16/07/2009 PA Confirmed: 16/01/2010 Over it & working on ME: Feb'ish 2010
blownaway65, If I could expose my H affair, it would defiantly make a difference I think. He is one of those people who does worry about what all are friends and family think about him. Moreover, if it’s with the 22 year old that I think it is, it would make him look very bad. In addition, I would plan to be very nice, and telling everyone that “Yes, I could forgive him, if he decides to work on our M”. That would make his affair even more looked down on by everyone. I’m not sure if that is the right thing to do or not.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
As far as the reason that your H wants to have an A and still keep you on the hook. That is called cake eating. It is very common. You are plan B. Backup up plan. Also just remember now that 97% of affairs do not last, so unless you have some other reason don't stress about the OW too much.
What I would say about snooping is that it may be a necesary evil to find out what is going on.If you do snoop, don't let it become an obssession once you have the info you need, I have seen snooping destroy many people as they can't deal with what they find out or it then becomes a bad habit which they find difficult to curb,
I’m not too stressed about the OW, just the fact that I would really like to know if there is one. If there is, I’m sure it won’t last. I’m normally a controlling person, but this sitch has taught me a lot about letting go of that control, especially where my H is concerned. If he wants to be with an OW, then that is his choice and he will have to live with consequences of it. I’m a true believer in what goes around comes around. In addition, I believe he will regret his decision someday. Whether that will be in time to save our M or not remains to be seen.
Kara,
I totally understand about the snooping getting out of control and taking over someone’s life. I have days where it has already been out of control for me. That is one reason I think it will help me to find out for sure. I really believe that if I know for it will help me detach. I think it will stop all my snooping once I know for sure. I know lots of others won’t agree with me on that one, but it is truly, how I feel. If I know for sure, I would not have any more reason to snoop. Don’t get me wrong, I will be heartbroken about it, but then again I’m already heartbroken over this whole separation anyway.
I do know now more than ever, that I will be ok and that I will survive this no matter the outcome. However, if I would have never found this site, I think it would have taken me a lot longer to feel that way. Thank you to all that have helped me and given me such great advice. I hope to play it forward as much as I can.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
