The "bad case of heartburn" feeling....it will get better. But, it will always be there. If it wasn't, it would be worse...that would mean you didn't have a conscience.
Have you told your wife? If/when your wife or daughter find out what you did, they have every right to have the feelings they will have. But...people make mistakes. We are human. This is where I would share my faith with you if you believed.
It sounds like you are questioning your addiction. This is where a professional can help you. Whether it is an addiction or not, you didn't stop yourself from doing something you knew you should not do. Either way, you will get help from a professional on how to deal with this.
I compare my affair to a drug. I don't believe I had a sexual addiction, but I was addicted to the high of the affair. I knew it was wrong, but I could not stop at the time. The pull was always there to call, to check the computer, to go by his house, etc. When I ended the affair, I went through a "withdrawal" for sure. My faith, pure will, and my h's knowledge of the affair and full transparancy I offered to him, helped me get through it. The aftermath is the hardest part. The rebuilding is hard. The memories.
Tell me what is going on right now with your situation. Are you divorced? Does she know?
Whatdidido Yes I am newly divorced. I was up in the newcomers sections asking for help on my waw. She did not know any of this till a few days ago. And the only reason i came clean was because she found out. I fear i would have continued in this behavior. Now that it is out, I feel a certain small sense of relief. Just to be clear. My ex did not divorce me because she knew of of this. IT was over money, non commuincation, the taking her for granted.
Now that it is out, it makes sense to her why i was withdrawn, sour, angry at myself, depressed. I have known something was wrong with me for some time. I just did not know what it was. Most of my efforts have gone to conceal my other identity from my wife and that itself took a long toll on me. I could never look at her in the eye. WHen i mentioned in my other threads that i was in a dark place, this is the dark place that I meant.
Does it make it easier to just admit i couldn't keep it in my pants? I don't know. I know i tried to stop. But i was unable to. Whether it was pornography or sex, i could not stop. That much I do know.
I lost everything once already, but i still had this secret to hold on to. Now that it is out, I can try to move forward.
I am sorry for what i have caused. That much is true. I am trying to get help for this. I have attended a couple of meeting, and will go to another one tonight.
Thank you for your understanding. I know i do no deserve it. I am no better than the those who have wronged you. My ex did indeed cheat on me, but that is no excuse for what i have done. IT is my honest hope that you who have been cheated on can accomplish what you came to this forum to accomplish. My presence here is not intended to be that of a victim, for I am my own villain. I truly love my wife. That much i know is true. Did i cheat on her because i didn't love her? No. I forgave her transgression for if anyone understands them i should be able to.
However, i have identified those memories as triggers, which cause me to act out. Is it her fault? No. It is how i am wired. I use the release of sex as a way to make myself feel better. As a way to escape. But I keep escaping. Unable to stop.
