HI Avermont, Thanks so much for your posts. Sorry to be MIA in early Jan., I am determined to be on her more often, it helps me & I need to make it a priority.

Well, let's see. Currently he's not really pressuring me, maybe because we've now taken the steps for an S agrmt. The "ball" is in my court, as his L drafted one & sent to my L around Dec. 1. That sucker needs a LOT of work & I just wasn't able to work on it in Dec., work was nuts for me. Anyhoo, he last emailed early Jan. to check up on any "progress" as you see in my last post. But eventually he'll ask again.

Which brings me to the finances. I had people telling me in April (he left in Mar.) to do this. I was sure that would be the nail inthe coffin, & wasn't ready to do any of that. Fast forward to Oct., when I learned of moving charges to a nearby city (where OW lives). Why this is so hard for me to act on, is something I need to work on w my C!

We talked in early Nov., the last time he was pressuring, & I was the one who brought it up. I wondered if he would, but slowly (VERY slowly) dawned on me that, why should he? He's got the best of both worlds! Access to my full paycheck, the savings (which is really my money, inhertiance from Mom), and joint credit card. Which by now is very close to being maxed out. Ugghhhh!!

So result of Nov. convers. was he would open his own checking acct. & cr. card in his name. I had already done both, at least. (Finding out about the move in Oct. spurred me to do that much!) Saw a few more chrgs on the cr. card, but knew it would take a few weeks for his to be opened.

Dec. is a blur, I emailed my L that I couldn't deal w any S stuff til after the holidays due to work. OK. So early Jan., I looked at everything, & at the S agrmt., which calls for 50/50 split to pay off. Not so fast I think - he has always been a spender, & I bet most of the bal. is his. So, this is painful but I really did it - I went back to March on all our cr. card bills & yes, highlighed his, mine & ours & did a spreadsheet! Turns out the split is more like 40 (me) 60 (him). But alot of mine was for therapy, & DB coaching to the tune of about $700. frown

The joint checking is where even more spending happens, plus our mortgage etc., so I went back to about Aug. & did a balance sheet, our paychecks (or his unemployment during summer)& found that every mo., even Dec. where he had a $900 bonus, he spent MORE than he brought in.

Anyway, this is how I've been "handling" the finances. Long answer to your ? eh? smile So with all this I now have to go to my L, tell her the cr. card bal. is not a 50/50 split. And we need to (finally) dep. 1/2 our pays in to the joint checking & the rest in our own accts. Where my hard-earned pay will be safe!

The reason I went through this torturous exercise was anger. I got very angry thinking about having to pay for his A. His drinking, socializing, moving & creating his whole new life. Why don't I just pay for that?? People have been telling me for mos. to protect myself. This is my deepest issue. I think it represents the end to me. Once we do this it's a matter of finalizing the S agrmt. & then soon it will be done. Even though I've hurt myself financially, costing myself hundreds of dollars, I haven't done this. And now I am going to do it. Ugghhhh.

I have let him know I don't want the house, & I could write another book on why, but it has many issues but mainly because it's on the other side of town from my family & friends, & work. And it's just a big, heat-gulping reminder of our failed life together.

Sorry this is probably a book by now. Let me know if I didn't answer your questions. He has been doing taxes for many yrs. now. And when this first all happened I was advised to set "rules" for how to pay stuff, & he at that time agreed to keep taking care of that. He has, for mortgage but has been spotty on utilty bills. I just got a cutoff notice for gas, need to pay $450 NOW. When this happens I just do it myself. I usually would shoot him a brief email when I paid something so he'd know the $$ would be going out of the checking. Communication has been really REALLY minimal. I go through the same doubts many other have expressed, is this helping or hurting. I wish I could tell you!

I don't think there's any reason not to email him w any house/financial stuff. THat is not pursuing in any form. The advice Ive seen from the experts on here is to communicate on business (or kids) matters as you would to a co-worker. Brief, cordial, to the point. I know it's so hard when that's the ONLY C you have w him. But you can know you've acted w integrity & also have taken control of the situation by giving him the info, & not having him contact you at his whim.

Let me know if any of this rambling is helpful - I will check in & see how your doing. I hope you're having a GREAT weekend - you deserve it! (((Hugs))))
LFA